“86” Baked Potato

I went out New Years Eve to a nice steakhouse. We went early, like 5:00.
The waiter took our order.
He was sad to say they were out of baked potatoes.
Having been in the foodservice business a number of years I can tell you there is not much that can happen at a steakhouse worse than to have to eighty-six baked potatoes.
No one died, but still...
Total Mission Fail

EARTH DAY~ TOM CLAYTON

Suggested viewing for Earth Day. Tom Wilkinson plays a lawyer defending a chemical company until he discovers what they are covering up. From Tom's dialogue...

Yes! Here we are, all together. Is everyone listening? 'Cause this is the moment you've been waiting for, a very special piece of paper. So let's have a big, paranoid, malignant round of applause… for United Northfield Culcitate Internal Research Memorandum #229!
(Reading from the memo)
"June 19th, 1991. Conclusion: The unanticipated marketing growth for Culcitate by small farms in colder climate demands immediate cost–benefit analysis."
Hah. Would you like a little bit of legal advice? Never let a scientist use the words "unanticipated" and "immediate" in the same sentence. Okay? Okay.
"In-house field studies have indicated small, short-season farms dependent on well water for human consumption are at risk for toxic particulate concentrations at levels significant enough to cause serious human tissue damage."
Well, this is a long way of saying that you don't even have to leave your house to be killed by our product, we'll pipe it into your kitchen sink.
"Culcitate's great market advantage, that it is tasteless, colorless, and does not precipitate, has the potential to mask and intensify these potentially lethal exposures."
Now, I love this. Not only is this a great product, it is a superb cancer delivery system.
"Chemical modifications of the Culcitate product, the addition of a detector molecule such as an odorant or a colorant, would require a top-down redesign of the Culcitate manufacturing process. These costs, while assumed to be significant, were not summarized here."
Which, loosely translated, means: "It's going to cost a fortune to go back on this, and I'm just an asshole in a lab, so could someone else please make the decision?"
"Clearly, the release of these internal research documents would compromise the effective marketing of Culcitate, and must be kept within the protective confines of United Northfield's trade secret language."
You don't need me to tell you what that means. Goodbye!"

Hippity-Hop

I was supposed to meet a couple friends at Starbucks this morning. I seldom go to Starbucks but my cousin gave me a $200 gift card so what the hell. My friends were unable to make it, which left me sitting out front by myself with an Americano grande, three pumps vanilla, one pump whipping cream, and a Splenda. It's really quite good.

As I sat there I noticed several single women as they went inside gave me sideways glances. They were the kind of glances a woman might make when she is making herself aware of her surroundings. One has to be vigilant. I have heard that Starbucks is famous for creepy over-caffeinated guys, hanging out looking to pick up women. And here I was wearing a lavender shirt and hiking boots lurking in front of a Starbucks. That's when I started to feel self-conscious and my mind began to drift.

I had a friend who used to pick up girls at Starbucks. In fact he brought a girl to the blues fest one year. She had double shot triple shot breasts, and her shirt was unbuttoned from both the top and the bottom so that there was really only one button holding her together. As we all danced together I whispered to him
"Where did you find HER?
"Starbucks" he said.

About this time another single woman passed by me, gave me the sideways glance and scurried inside. It was then my mind wandered further and I went into one of my daydreams.
In my vision a long-legged woman climbed out of her BMW. She was wearing a black leather mini skirt and a furry little pink sweater. Black silk stockings. Lots of jewelry. Auburn hair hung down over the sweater, her lipstick must have been named Passion Play, or maybe Flame of Desire, I don't know.
What really caught my eye were her 4 inch heels. They were little pink bunnies, and matched her sweater perfectly. As she wiggled by me she gave me a sideways glance, but it was different from the other women. It was more like one of those Christine Baranski looks, a "cat that ate the canary" look, and she smiled like a knife. If she had opened her mouth I would not be surprised to see a canary fly out.

Mind you, all this took place in my mind in about 1.5 seconds.
I started to laugh but it wasn't funny yet.

Now, here she comes out of the Starbucks and sits down right across from me. "Hello" she says in a dark and dusky voice. "Hello back" says I. She crosses her legs out to the side to further advertise the shapely leg and bunny heels.
"You have some whipped cream on your mustache" she says, and makes a wiping motion with her hand.
I reach up to my face but she stops me.
"No" she whispers "Let me get that for you" and leans across the table and plants a big fat kiss on me.
I shook my head and snapped back to reality. Time to go. Lesson learned. Never go to Starbucks by yourself.
Happy Easter everybody!

Pam Bondi

Surprised to find that we haven’t roasted Miss Bondi till now. She makes Karoline Leavitt look like a sweetheart.

“Whether you’re a former FBI director, whether you’re a former head of an intel community, whether you are a current state or local elected official, whether you’re a billionaire funding organizations to try to keep Donald Trump out of office — everything is on the table. We will investigate you, and we will end the weaponization.”
Pam Bondi

The up-is-down pretzel logic--‘It rained all night the day I left, the weather it was dry”-- was notable but not surprising coming from Bondi — an attorney general who has made very clear that her loyalties lie first and foremost with Trump and his Republican supporters. Not surprising also that so many of her high profile prosecutions never make it past the Grand Jury or were quickly dismissed by judges.

We won’t even get into the Epstein Files.
I’ve hear she used to be a really nice person, and loves dogs. Maybe Trump can find a new spot for her, ripping wings off butterflies or something.