I was supposed to meet a couple friends at Starbucks this morning. I seldom go to Starbucks but my cousin gave me a $200 gift card so what the hell. My friends were unable to make it, which left me sitting out front by myself with an Americano grande, three pumps vanilla, one pump whipping cream, and a Splenda. It's really quite good.
As I sat there I noticed several single women as they went inside gave me sideways glances. They were the kind of glances a woman might make when she is making herself aware of her surroundings. One has to be vigilant. I have heard that Starbucks is famous for creepy over-caffeinated guys, hanging out looking to pick up women. And here I was wearing a lavender shirt and hiking boots lurking in front of a Starbucks. That's when I started to feel self-conscious and my mind began to drift.
I had a friend who used to pick up girls at Starbucks. In fact he brought a girl to the blues fest one year. She had double shot triple shot breasts, and her shirt was unbuttoned from both the top and the bottom so that there was really only one button holding her together. As we all danced together I whispered to him
"Where did you find HER?
"Starbucks" he said.
"Where did you find HER?
"Starbucks" he said.
About this time another single woman passed by me, gave me the sideways glance and scurried inside. It was then my mind wandered further and I went into one of my daydreams.
In my vision a long-legged woman climbed out of her BMW. She was wearing a black leather mini skirt and a furry little pink sweater. Black silk stockings. Lots of jewelry. Auburn hair hung down over the sweater, her lipstick must have been named Passion Play, or maybe Flame of Desire, I don't know.
What really caught my eye were her 4 inch heels. They were little pink bunnies, and matched her sweater perfectly. As she wiggled by me she gave me a sideways glance, but it was different from the other women. It was more like one of those Christine Baranski looks, a "cat that ate the canary" look, and she smiled like a knife. If she had opened her mouth I would not be surprised to see a canary fly out.
Mind you, all this took place in my mind in about 1.5 seconds.
I started to laugh but it wasn't funny yet.
Now, here she comes out of the Starbucks and sits down right across from me. "Hello" she says in a dark and dusky voice. "Hello back" says I. She crosses her legs out to the side to further advertise the shapely leg and bunny heels.
"You have some whipped cream on your mustache" she says, and makes a wiping motion with her hand.
I reach up to my face but she stops me.
"No" she whispers "Let me get that for you" and leans across the table and plants a big fat kiss on me.
I shook my head and snapped back to reality. Time to go. Lesson learned. Never go to Starbucks by yourself.
Happy Easter everybody!
