Friday, December 29, 2006


I have noticed a bit of a trend since blogging that I tend to come off as being a little touched in the head. I don't know what to do about that, so I will just have to continue being my unabashed, unapologetic self. I will say that there seems to be a certain Spirit of Surreal Events that follows me around, giving me ample opportunity to have a good bit of fun, and lending itself to support the notion that I am bonkers.
I had a lot of fun at the Craft Fair at the beginning of December being Santa Claus.. But it pales in comparison to the fun that was available on Christmas Eve- Eve, at my kids’ Church during the “Living Nativity”....
It was quite cold and they needed someone to fill in for one of the Wise men. Baltazhar, I suppose. And by “they needed” what I mean to say is ‘The Crazy Church lady needed”.... thats what my kids called her, anyway. Of course, I am glad to help anyone out. I donned my Robes and Turban and Shepherds crook and took my place at the side of the road.
Now if you can imagine, I play one hell of a wise man... especially if you put me beside a busy intersection in the "Freezin (expletive deleted)" cold. While I was instructed to just "stand there and try to look Wise”, this is just not my style. Its not how I roll.
So after a period of contemplation (six seconds) as to why a Wise Man was carrying a Shepherds Crook, I made my move.
I was everywhere, with my Crook, commanding attention to our little Nativity scene, leading traffic and urging Drivers and passengers alike out of their vehicles, at crook-point, if you will, and you would be surprised at how many aquiesqued to my threatening gestures. There were a few times that I actually stepped into the 4-lane road and stopped a car by virtue of the notion they simply did not want to run me over. The whole scene took on a “North by Northwest” meets "Halloween at Christmastime" "Miracle on 34th Street" look.
The end result, however was that we had a whole lot of people stop that otherwise would have kept on driving. I don’t know that any souls were saved because of my exuberance, but I can tell you the Crazy Church Lady was thrilled to no end.
In one of the backrooms of the church, she helped me disrobe.
“You were just wonderful’ as she took my crook and Turban.
‘Why have I never seen you here before?” as she removed my fake beard and looked into my eyes, smiling.
“Well, Ma’am, my kids go here but I generally don’t attend Church”
‘Oh, you must start” and she removed my robe.
I have to admit I was feeling a little uneasy as she began to unbutton my shirt. Then I realized that she thought this was part of my costume, and that what was about to happen was just another of those things that just seems to present themselves to me at times.
An Event of the Surreal Spirit served up on a Silver Platter.
I wanted to laugh, but it wasn't funny yet.
When she got to the last button on my shirt and found her hand on my belt buckle, she noticed my bare chest. A slight gasp barely escaped from her lips, and she raised her eyes to mine.
Our faces are only inches apart and her breath fogs my glasses a little and I say VERY SOFTLY ....
“You better stop right there, Lady, or you are going to know everything there is to know about me!”
And I give her my most disarming smile.
From her lips comes an “Oh” but it is so soft, so barely discernable, that it sounds more like “peep”. She ran from the room.
My daughter told me later that the “Crazy Church Lady" asked if I were single...
Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime!!!


Mother of Invention said...

Well, you never said "OLD" Crazy Church Lady! She could be THE ONE! And yes, we can all imagine you'd make a great Wise Guy!!!!

Old Lady said...

Whew! I'm fanning myself!

dsquared said...

great story! uh, what's the Crazy Church Lady look like?

Barbara said...

And what a WISE man you are! Will we be getting a sequel to this one?

steve said...

ol'lady- My heart was in my throat!!! d/2- She has a real pretty face and a ferocious a**!!! Barb- That remains to be seen; it all depends on her as I am quite shy, you know... MOM-the greatesat part was the way I was able to stay in Character--as people rolled down ntheir windows to find out what was going on I would say things like "I have followed a star to..." and "Unto the world a child is born..." "Follow me to yon manger"
It really was great!!!

Mother of Invention said...

You are such a riot of fun! I would have loved to be doing that with you, dressed up as something or someone...well, not the camel!
You should be in community theatre.
Should have asked her out while in role! I can just imagine the dialogue! "I am not a rich man because I just gave away my gold, but would you like to grab some goat's cheese on bagels sometime?!"

Annelisa said...

rotfl! You crack me up, Steve! You really do :-D

I just chuckled all the way through your post - you have such a way about you! And yes, you're totally quackers! :-D

Maybe we shouldn't be watching the mallards, but the bollards... oh, tears in me eyes....

Hope you have just as good New Year, Steve!!! Here's wishing you the best yet!

Angel Feathers Tickle Me said...

Happy New Year

red dirt girl said...

this is one very hysterical post!!!! and i'm wondering if you are pulling my leg, going gonzo...or it's just your plain, crazy life!!

looks like i've been missing all this great stuff.....and hoping ms. church - a - luscious ended up in your stocking.......hahaha!


kissyface said...

this sounds like a Christmas story that could go into the category of "Santa's Little Helpers."

Why do your kids call her "crazy"? Careful there, because kids are really perceptive. Anyway, sounds like maybe that's something you might want to pursue..?

Merry Sexy Christmas.

steve said...

Annelisa- Do "Bollards" mean what I think it do?
RDG- I keep telling you guys that I could not make this stuff up...and I actually think that this stuff happens to us all; we just have to watch for it and be able to see from a point of view that turns a mundane event into an adventure... or something like that...
kissyface- this lady was stressed from being in charge of the Nativity... and no telling what else...she is one of those that tries so hard and gets a little intense in doing so...

Annelisa said...

Aha , depends... what do you think it means, Steve ??? :-D