Sunday, May 31, 2009


My Nephew Davy says he is hanging up the ol' blog.
Many of us have said it, but few have actually done it.
If Davy says he's hanging something up, then something will be hung up, believe you me.
Go say 'bye over at Dave Mows Grass.

Friday, May 29, 2009


Dad used to ask me a question when we would be driving to a fishing trip, or when we might be discussing my future.
He would ask"Would you rather be a big fish in a little pond, or a little fish in a big pond?" and we would discuss the pros and cons of each.
As time went on my answer evolved into "I'd like to be just a medium fish in a medium pond" but I don't think I ever quite told him so.

Another thing Dad used to say was "A place for everything, and everything in its place." He usually said that after finding a tool I had left rusting outside somewhere.

When it started to rain, if we were in the car, he would always very tersely say:
'Um-Ummm, these streets are slicker than snot on glass...Ummm.Ummm...GOLLY!

Other things Dad said:
"You are judged by the company you keep"
"Sometimes you have a little luck, sometimes you got none at all"
"Everything I touch turns to wood"
"Best thing about telling the truth is you never have to remember what you said"
(slowing the boat to stop and fish) "Well, this spot looks as bad as any"
(in response to a colleague asking him how he's doing) "Anybody I can"

But my favorite was always the sign he had on his desk....
"If I try to insult you its a sure sign I like you...
If i cannot insult you its a sure sign you like me...
If I haven't tried to insult you yet, please be patient"

What did your Dad say?

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Joe Buck (Jon Voight) leaves his job as a dishwasher in a small town in Texas, and gets on the bus heading for New York City. There he plans to use his considerable (from what the local girls have told him) manly talents to make a splash with (and a good living from) wealthy, high-society women.

There he meets Ratso (Dustin Hoffman) a sickly streetwise punk loser with failing health. After initially conning Joe out of twenty dollars, they eventually become friends, companions, and soul mates. With Ratso taking over the management side of the hustling operation, they set about finding the wealthy women with whom Joe hopes to make his fortune, not just for himself, but for Ratso, too.

The film was rated "X" (no one under 17 admitted) upon its original release in 1969, but the unrestricted use of that rating by pornographic filmmakers caused the rating to quickly become associated with hardcore sex films. Because of the stigma that developed around the "X" rating in the ratings system's early years, many theaters refused to run "X" films and many newspapers would not run ads for them. The film was given a new "R" (children under 17 must be accompanied by a parent or legal guardian) rating in 1971, without having anything changed or removed.
It was the first X-Rated film to be shown on Television, albeit heavily edited, and veiwed by a President in the White House.
My guess is that it was Nixon.
Ford or Carter would be Longshots, but you never know about men do you?


Joe Buck: I like the way I look. Makes me feel good, it does. And women like me, goddammit. Hell, the only one thing I ever been good for is lovin'. Women go crazy for me, that's a really true fact! Ratso, hell! Crazy Annie... they had to send her away!

Ratso Rizzo: Then, how come you ain't scored once the whole time you been in New York? Frankly, you're beginning to smell and for a stud in New York, that's a handicap.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Man, some mornings I wake up and its just too good to be true. The whole world smells good, every breath seems sweet and its just so great to be a human being.
I start singin’ some crazy song at the top of my lungs, it was “Rhinestone Cowboy” today, while I decide that I’m going to have an Egg Sandwich at the Subway on my way to work. I dance my way down the hall, doing a little skippin’jig, shake my left leg out as I make a right into the shower.
Turn the water on and its time for the chorus:

“Like a rhinestone cowboy
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo
Like a rhinestone cowboy
Getting cards and letters from people I don't even know
And offers comin' over the phone”

I hop outta the shower and look into the mirror and man I just have to crack up.
How the hell did I get to be so funny lookin’?
I don't even need to make a face!
I feel so good I decide to skip the shave today.
Check my blood sugar, its right on! even after having had the Ice Cream last night!
Doctor told me Friday I'm doing real well, so I takes my 4 pills I am supposed to take, at least until I am cured.
But, what the hell...when you feel this good, who needs to be cured?
As I’m locking the front door, its time for the chorus again

“Like a rhinestone cowboy
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo
Like a rhinestone cowboy
Getting cards and letters from people I don't even know
And offers comin' over the phone”

I’m one of these people that the louder I sing, the better I sound and man-o-man-o-man, do I sound good today!
In fact, here come my neighbors down the stairs and they are all smiling at me.
“Good morning Steve” says Miguel, a smiling little boy in the 3rd Grade.
‘Que paso Miguelito” says I back, and we trade high fives.
His mother just laughs and gives me a kind but quiet look. Her husband wants to know who did that song I’m singing.
Glen Campbell I tell him and launch into the second verse for them:

“Well, I really don't mind the rain
And a smile can hide all the pain
But you're down when you're ridin' the train that's takin' the long way
And I dream of the things I'll do
With a subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe
There'll be a load of compromisin'
On the road to my horizon
But I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me”

So now I climb into my BRAND NEW TRUCK and it starts right up and I’m on the way to the Subway where my friend Robin will fix me an egg sandwich. I can’t wait to walk in the door, singin this stupid happy-ass song and doing a little dance. I really have a flair for the dramatic, doncha know, and I should have pursued a career in acting, maybe attended Julliard or something.
Julliard, man.

““Like a rhinestone cowboy
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo
Like a rhinestone cowboy
Getting cards and letters from people I don't even know
And offers comin' over the phone”

I can’t wait to get to work and torture Rachel with my good mood.
Water Baby will tell you….I’m a little hard to take when I get like this!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


My High School kissin' buddy, Lisa!
She was a Rock Star...and she sure could kiss!
She always talked so cool.
Click here to read all about her.

And I used to be skinny!
Here I am, promising Lisa the Ocean, and pointing out where the Submarine Races will take place later!

Thanks to Julie for these pics!
The three of us met in a Journalism class and became fast friends, and a center for an extended group of good friends that year. This last year has seen several old paths converge once again. I had not heard anything about Julie for 32 years until last week. iIts always good to hear old friends are doing well, especially when they have dimples like Julie's.
Julie finished just about every sentence with a "Man". Like she would say
"I don't know who the strange dog is, man."
I always liked the cool way she said 'Man" and she even says it in her EMail's, man.
Hi Julie!

Monday, May 25, 2009


Robert E Lee was the genius Conferederate General who had kept 4 vastly superior Union Armies at bay and on the run during the 4 years of the Civil War. He had outwitted, ought-fought and embarrassed 7 diffent Union Generals.
Before the War he had been the countries best soldier, a West Point Graduate, and had turned down Lincolns offer to be Commander of all Union Forces, saying he could not draw his sword against his state, which happened to be Virginia.
Lee had married Mary Custis, Grandaughter of George Washington and they lived together in the Custis family mansion at Arlington Virginia.
The mansion was taken by Union Forces at the start of the War, with Mrs. Lee being moved to a hotel room.

In 1864, with 2000 dead and dying Union soldiers being sent to hospitals and graveyards every week, the Union had run out of cemetaries in which to put the bodies. The Quartermaster General, Montgomery Meigs, a Southerner and West Point Classmate of Lee's did not hesitate. Though he was a Southerner, he was a Unionist and considered Lee to be a Traitor. He picked the Custis Mansion and grounds at Arlinton, and began burying the dead on the grounds so that it might never be inhabited again.
He buried his own son right next to the house- in Mrs. Lees Rose Garden.

That Cemetary became Arlington National Cemetary, our countries most Hallowed Ground.

Please do honor our country and those fallen, today, Memorial Day

Friday, May 22, 2009


Man, this reminds me of Valentines Day 1970.
(click here)
Seventh grade, in love with the mousey straighthaired girl across the street, Jeri was her name, and she was a bit bucktoothed and her ears stuck out the sides of her hair.
I loved those ears!
And she really wasn't bucktoothed exactly.
As I see her in my minds eye, as I am sure you are doing now, she was "over-toothed"...that is to say that her two front teeth were a bit out of proportion, giving her a kind of Bugs Bunny look that drove me wild.
Anyway, the day before Valentines Day I told my best friend Billy that I was going to ask her to "go steady" on Valentines Day, and Valentines Day morning I went to the Student Council stand to put down my $1 and send her a Valentines Telegram, a "Love-O-Gram", in which I intended to declare my undying love and devotion to her.
Anonymously of course.

She was in three of my classes that day, plus lunch, and I watched her as she got the telegram. I saw her show it to her friend Vicki. I watched as it was passed around to all her girl-pals at the lunch table.
I was terrified, making sure I did not watch too closely, lest I be found out.
I am glad that I have no recolllection of what was in my Love-O-Gram or I would be tempted to divulge what my seventh grade mind would have written.

Anyway, she had no idea it was me, because I was a real squirrel back then, carrying a trombone with me everywhere I went and forever waxing about the Chess Club and stuff.
Several times that day I nearly summoned the courage to ask Jeri to go steady, but in the face of those ears and teeth I always chickened out.

Jeri lived across the street from me, we rode the same bus home and we got out together, just the two of us. Having lacked the courage throughout the day, it was now my intention to pop the question after we got off the bus.
Do or die.
We were standing there as the bus pulled away.
She had a funny look on her face as I toed the ground and studied my shoetops and cleared my throat. but before I could speak I hear her say through the ringing in my ears:
"Steve, can I ask you something?'
"Billy told me you were going to ask me to go steady today. Is that true?"

WHOA! You could have knocked me over with a feather!
Of course I completely and categorically denied it. If Billy had not been twice my size, I'd have kicked his ass the next day.

Jeri lived across the street from me till we graduated High School.
We seldom talked after that, but five years later, on the night of Graduation, I told her that my intention had been to ask her to "Go Steady" that day, and that it was me that had sent the Love-O-Gram.
"I know, and I still have it" was all she said and laughing gave me a kiss on the cheek.
She had gotten braces or else her face had caught up with her mouth. She no longer had that Bugs Bunny look and her ears no longer showed through her once-thin-and-mousey but now stylishly-permed-frosted-blonde-hair.
That is to say her charms were quite faded in my eyes.
Still, I'll never forget that kiss.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


I got Ring-Necked Doves that flirt with each other all day long right outside my window here at work. They are really lovely. Soft grey and rainbowthroated with white tail and wing feathers. There are four pairs usually. They bathe and peck and roost together.
It only takes a glance to see which ones are lovers.


"Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absent-minded.
Someone sober will worry about events going badly.
Let the lover be."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


from "leaves of grass"

I see over my own continent the Pacific Railroad, surmounting every barrier;
I see continual trains of cars winding along the Platte, carrying freight and passengers;
I hear the locomotives rushing and roaring, and the shrill steam-whistle,
I hear the echoes reverberate through the grandest scenery in the world;
I cross the Laramie plains—I note the rocks in grotesque shapes—the buttes

I see the plentiful larkspur and wild onions—the barren, colorless, sage-deserts;
I see in glimpses afar, or towering immediately above me, the great mountains—

I see the Wind River and the Wahsatch mountains;
I see the Monument mountain and the Eagle’s Nest
I pass the Promontory—I ascend the Nevadas;

I scan the noble Elk mountain, and wind around its base;
I see the Humboldt range—I thread the valley and cross the river,

I see the clear waters of Lake Tahoe—I see forests of majestic pines,

Or, crossing the great desert, the alkaline plains, I behold enchanting mirages of waters and meadows;
Marking through these, and after all, in duplicate slender lines,

Bridging the three or four thousand miles of land travel,
Tying the Eastern to the Western sea,
The road between Europe and Asia.
Walt Whitman

Tuesday, May 19, 2009




Two guys rockin' on the porch.
Hours pass, not a word between them.
Finally, one of them asks:
"What day is it?"
A long minute goes by...
"Hmmm....I keep thinkin' its Wednesday"

Thats how my brain feels today.


Antbed on a Golf Course.
Ball lands on it.
Man comes and hits the ball, messes up the antbed.
Ants come out and fix the Antbed.
Ball lands on antbed.
Man hits the ball, messes up antbed.
Ants come out and fix antbed.
Ball lands on antbed.
Man hits the ball, messes up antbed.
Ants come out and fix antbed.

Ball lands on antbed.
Man hits the ball, messes up antbed.
Ants come out.
One of them says
'We need to get something on the ball here."

Thats how my head feels today.


Baby bird falls out of his nest.
Can't fly, can only peep, which draws the attention of a thick black cat.
Cat crouches in the bushes, ready to strike.
Baby bird peeps.
Baby bird stumbling peeping towards the bushes.
Baby bird, wings no work.
Cat flexes, creeping, ready set...
Dog barks, chases cat up lightpole, continues barking until kindly owner, annoyed, comes to put him back in house.
Kind owner hears, sees baby bird, smiles, and puts him in tree.
Mama bird breathes sigh of relief.
Now, how to get baby back to nest.

This is how my heart feels today.


Well, I have been without a car for 4 of the last 5 years.
Sometiomes I wonder how I've done it and I'm not too good at sayin' it and I'm not sure how much of it I believe...but...
Someone has been watching over me.

So last week I bought a pick-up truck.
Its a 1975 Chevy Cheyenne, rebuilt Motor and Transnmission, two gas tanks, new battery,new tires and re-done interior. Even has a wire rack to put your cowboy hat on.
I'm thinkin' about turnin' cowboy on ya.
I have pictures and will post them later this week.

For now I just want to say that in the first week I had this truck I have managed to leave the lights on and run the battery down TWICE.
It doesn't end there.
Even with two 15 gallon gas tanks on board, I managed to run out of gas!
And right now as we speak I have two spare tires on board, but NO LUG WRENCH!

Ain't that just like an Addict?
Cars are such a pain in the ass.

Monday, May 18, 2009


“When I came to this group I knew that finding a “Higher Power” would be part of the program.
I wondered how you guys would sell this to me, an unbeliever.
Because to me, God, even one of my own understanding, is a slippery thing, hard to grasp and harder to hold. Like soap in the shower, where you try to hold it but it slips from your hands. It slides around the bottom of the shower, you pick it up, and no matter how hard you squeeze, it slips out again for you to retrieve.
I do not yet have a grasp on this God, but I have found that the more I chase the soap around, the cleaner I seem to get.”


Friday, May 15, 2009


Sittin there before a meeting last night…
Chick asks me if I have the 12 Steps memorized
“Yes, yes I do” I bragged.
“I can’t seem to remember them. How did you do it?’ she asks.
“Well, when I’m walking, or riding my bike, I repeat them to myself, either under my breath, or even out loud sometimes”
Then the dude sitting across from us ( dude don’t like me much, I don’t think) he pulls a card out of his billfold the size of a credit card, embossed,with the 12 steps printed on it.
“You need one of these“ the dude says, and makes a big deal out of presenting it to her.

So I say
“Yes I have one of those too. I have mine attached to a holder on a hat to where it hangs right here in front of my face.”
Dude gives me a dirty look, but the chick , she laughs.
‘What does that do?” she asks.
“Well, I wear the hat while I’m doing housework, or even watching TV sometimes and now the 12 Steps are BURNED into my brain.”
She and I laugh at the thought of this, genius as it is...
The dude just gives me another dirty look.
So I continue….
‘Yeah, I went to the eye doctor two days ago and he asked me to cover my right eye and read the top line.
I read:


Dude gives me a last dirty look, says dry as a bone:
"Thats really funny"

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


"There was a man who killed a buffalo bull to no purpose. Only he wanted its blood on his hands. It was a great, old noble beast and it was a long time blowing its life away. On the edge of the night, the people gathered themselves up in their grief and shame. Away in the West, they could see the hump and spine of the huge beast which lay dying along the edge of the world.They could see its bright blood run into the sky where it dried, darkening, and was at last flecked with flakes of light."

M. Scott Momaday

Of all the West's natural wonders, none surpassed the huge herds of buffalo that blanketed the Plains -- perhaps once as many as 30 million of them. They had frightened Coronado's horses by their smell, and astonished Lewis and Clark by their sheer numbers. One wagon train of pioneers was blocked for hours by a herd three miles wide and ten miles long. But for the native peoples of the Plains, they represented existence itself.
Their numbers had been reduced by the 1860's, but with the coming of the Railroad and the wholesale slaughter that ensued, they were on the brink of extinction by 1884. A quiet descended on the prairie; the buffalo was gone, and with it a way of life that had existed since before recorded history.

"The buffalo saw that their day was over. They could protect their people no longer. Sadly, the last remnant of the great herd gathered in council, and decided what they would do. One young woman got up very early... and... peering through the haze, she saw the last buffalo herd appear like in a spirit dream. Straight to Mount Scott the leader of the herd walked. Behind him came the cows and their calves, and the few young males who had survived. As the woman watched, the face of the mountain opened. Inside Mount Scott the world was green and fresh, as it had been when she was a small girl. The rivers ran clear, not red. Into this world of beauty the buffalo walked, never to be seen again."

Old Lady Horse


MAY 13th

Mentally, they are keen-witted and practical more often than intellectual, and are probablythe most resourceful person in the room. When they are not being quiet they are making a lot of noise. There is no in-between. They love to laugh, eat, smoke and screw. Their character is generally dependable, steadfast, prudent, just, firm and unshaken in the face of difficulties. Their many vices arise from their manyvirtues. Excess is the name of the game...thats why they make such great lovers.

A Taurean may (will) be obstinately and exasperatingly self-righteous, unoriginal, rigid, ultraconservative, argumentative, querulous bores, stuck in a self-centered rut. They may develop a brooding resentment through a series of injuries received either real or imagined and, whether their characters are positive or negative, they need someone to stroke their egos with a frequent, "Well Done!" all the time.

I share a Birthday with the following folks:

1961 Dennis Rodman (basketballer)
1957 Bulletholes in the Mailbox (see Resume')
1951 Stevie Wonder (musician)
1950 Peter Gabriel (singer)
1948 Knock-Knees (Biker)
1944 George Lucas (film producer)
1943 Jack Bruce (musician)
1941 Ritchie Valens (singer)
1939 Harvey Keitel (actor)
1936 Bobby Darin (Cassotto) (singer)
1931 - Jim Jones, reverend, poisoned over 100 in Guyana (Jonestown Massacre)
1925 Al Porcino (who?)
1923 Beatrice Arthur (actress)
Also a Scientist named Fahrenheit.
You may note there has been a real drought of famous folks the last 48 years. No one representin' may 13 since 1961, unless you count a Beauty Contestant named Carrie Prejean, Miss California.
This is the raciest photo available of yours truly.

"Which one of you girls wants me to hold you?"

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Yes, it is as Annie says, you can see The Alzheimers Project online. (click here)


But if you do, be sure to check out the HBO Alzheimers Project.
My friend Annie and her mother (click here) play a part in this film.
If you have been coming by here for long, you know that Alzheimers is a subject dear to my heart, having watched my Dad suffer from "early onset" at the age of 58.

Its a Four Part series...(click here)
"On May 10, 11 and 12, tune into HBO's "THE ALZHEIMER'S PROJECT" to take a look at the faces behind the disease - and the forces leading us to find a cure. This multi-platform series reveals groundbreaking Alzheimer discoveries and the effects this debilitating and fatal disease has on those with Alzheimer's and their families."

I assume that it will air several times in the coming weeks, if HBO is anything like what it used to be.

Here is a link to Art as done by Annies mother. (click here)
She has a talent for arranging everyday items in a delightful way.
She has a real visual style.

Seeing this Art reminds me of Dad. He might not recognize his family, or be able to open a door, or even put his slippers on, but he held onto his sense of humor and his ability to tell a story the whole way through the disease.

Reprinted from Annie without permission;
Annies Mothers Art

Monday, May 11, 2009


There once was a man who just couldn't cry
He hadn't cried for years and for years
Napalmed babies and the movie "Love Story"
For instance could not produce tears
As a child he had cried as all children will
Then at some point his tear ducts ran dry
He grew to be a man, the feces hit the fan
Things got bad, but he couldn't cry

His dog was run over, his wife up and left him
And after that he got sacked from his job
Lost his arm in the war, was laughed at by a whore
Ah, but sill not a sniffle or sob
His novel was refused, his movie was panned
And his big Broadway show was a flop
He got sent off to jail; you guessed it, no bail
Oh, but still not a dribble or drop
In jail he was beaten, bullied and buggered
And made to make license plates
Water and bread was all he was fed
But not once did a tear stain his face

Doctors were called in, scientists, too
Theologians were last and practically least
They all agreed sure enough;
this was sure no cream puff
But in fact an insensitive beast
He was removed from jail and placed in a place
For the insensitive and the insane
He played lots of chess and made lots of friends
And he wept every time it would rain
Once it rained forty days and it rained forty nights
And he cried and he cried and he cried and he cried
On the forty-first day, he passed away
He just dehydrated and died

Well, he went up to heaven,
located his dog
Not only that, but he rejoined his arm
Down below, all the critics,
they took it all back
Cancer robbed the whore of her charm
His ex-wife died of stretch marks,
his ex-employer went broke
The theologians were finally found out
Right down to the ground,
that old jail house burned down
The earth suffered perpetual drought

loudon wainwright III

As done by Johnny Cash

Friday, May 08, 2009


"think of the saddest thought you can possibly think of, the saddest thing in the world, then look into the eyes of a dog, and he's is feeling that right now. You can see all the sadness in the world in the eyes of a dog"
george carlin

I was riding my bike in to work this morning. I bought a truck last week, but I rode the bike in this morning, for old times sake, and it's a good thing to do now and again.
But that's not what this post is about.

This post is about the dog I saw on the side of the road. He was dead, struck by a car in the night I suppose. It was a Short-haired Pointer, with red ears and a white coat, and a pointy tail that stuck out at an obscene un-natural angle this morning. He had not been a beautiful dog, even with those red ears, but being a dog he was by nature, beautiful.

As I passed by him I could almost see his life as it must have passed...a puppy with that new puppy smell, falling over those floppy red ears, bounding and stumbling his way to his water dish, only to spill water everywhere.
Then learning to play with some little boy somewhere, running after balls and sticks in a constant springtime, and being told not to jump on people, licking faces laughing in the sun.

Later in the summer, laying and panting in the shade, ears pricked for that certain sound of a certain motor pulling into a certain driveway, and running to the fence, towards the scent long awaited, tail wagging so hard his head moves in opposition, like a counterbalance to such a complete joy that remains unknown to a mere human.

Then in the fall, when footballs and hunting gear come out, and the musty smoky smell of drying leaves and November in the air; maybe he was a hunter, perhaps he was a warm spot on a couch for a nice woman who chilled easily. Maybe he was just a good tackler, chasing the boys of the neighborhood at play, wishing he could throw the ball instead of just stealing it, clasped in his teeth like a prize pheasant. Whatever he was, he was eager to do his red earred part.

I couldn't help but think all this as I passed by this animal. I thought somewhere there is a boy missing this dog, or a girl, or even a man somewhere that has lost his best friend. They likely don't even know it yet, and are still expecting a familiar scratch at the door, or to see him back in the backyard, chasing squirrels or sleeping on top of his doghouse in his ignorant blissful doggie way.

And it occurred to me that if there is a Doggie Heaven, that it must be some kind of place! Can you imagine?
Ear-scratchin', belly-rubbing, pettin' lovin' touchin'.
Barking, licking, jumping, pawing and panting going on all the live long day!
It all seemed so poignant an hour ago. Now these thoughts just seem a little silly having written them, but do you know what remains?

This is what remains:
It is a very good thing to ride your bike in to work, now and again.

Addendum: A friend of mine saw this post the next day. She called the pound and found who the owner was. She then contacted the owner, a little handicapped lady, and shared my story with her. It seems the dog was her companion, and named "Birdie". My friend said she and the lady had a wonderful cry over the phone.
It is a good thing to do, riding your bike to work now and then.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009


I went to the Pharmacy yesterday and the girl there remembered my name.
She says "Are you picking up, Mr Bulletholes?'
and I said yes, and expressed my astonishment that she knew my name!
The grey haired pharmacist says 'You are one of our favorite customers, Mr Bulletholes!" and the other assistant looks at me and nods her head and smiles.
I think to myself
"What did I do?'
I mean., I'm not in there that much or anything, twice a month, I'm just a regular guy picking up a few prescriptions for the last 4 months...

So I ask everybody there if they know any Pharmacy Jokes.
They all frown and shake their head no. They don't know any Pharmacy jokes.
So I say 'Ya'll ought to make one up!"
and the old man behind the counter looks over the top of his Pharmacist glasses and says
"Like what?"
" maybe" I say "like maybe...A pig walks into a Pharmacy and asks "Do you have anything for the flu?"'

Man, its not funny, but the whole place just cracks up, including the lady behind me in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank. They had to fix her Oxygen she was crackin' up so bad.
I still can't figure how come they know me so well down there.


Shari (click here) was the Pastry Chef at the Hyatt I used to work at. A good portion of her energy was spent trying to keep me out of her sweets. She had an entire walk-in Cooler that was filled with Pastry Creams, Cheesecakes, Petit-Fours, and ingredients like you have never heard of.

When Shari wasn't looking, I would sneak into her cooler and gorge on Truffles and Tartlets.
Some times, if she had nothing tempting already prepared, I would take some of her leftover Cake tops and smear them with whipped cream she kept in a big bucket. That drove her more nuts than if I'd actually managed to snag something good, like an Eclair or a Cream Horn.

Sometimes after sneaking in to the cooler and feasting, I would slowly open the door to try and "duck-out", but she would be standing right there, her arms crossed with that bad look on her face.
I would say innocently
"Oh there you are, I was looking for you"
and she would say
"You were not, you were in there eating my pastries"
and I'd look all shocked and say
and she'd say
'You have Chocolate crumbs and whipped cream all over your face"
"Do I really? Huh, I wonder where that came from" and I'd wipe my face with my sleeve.
She would shake her head and say
"You are such a Squirrel"

She also had a lock box where she kept various Liquours and Special Garnishes like Chocolate with Gold filigree, and Petrified Bee Pollen and stuff like that.
There was an item in that box I couldn't stay away from and if I ever found it unlocked I was likely to eat all of them
The item was Crystallized Violets. They were sugar coated and hard and Purple and they had a lovely floral bouquet. I got a hold of them one day and I don't remember how many I ate but it didn't take long for Shari to come looking and find me.

"You frickin' Squirrel, did you eat all my Crystal Violets?"
"You heard ate all my violets!"
She's really mad.
"No Shari, I didn't eat all your Violets. I haven't even been over there."
And she hits me with a pretty tough question
"Then why are your lips all purple?"
Well maybe not quite, after all I am pretty quick on my feet, and I am a Chef...
I gave her my best smile and phrased it more as a question than a statement
"Would you believe... Beets?"

Her shoulders slumped and she couldn't help but laugh and say
"There is something seriously wrong with you, buddy."

I'll always remeber Shari for the boxes of leftover Pastries she would send home to my mother, leftovers from the Sunday Brunch, during the last years of Moms life. Shari would pack that box with all the care in the world, and when I walked in the door at home Moms eyes would just light up like Sapphires.
Thanks Shari!

Tuesday, May 05, 2009


If you had told me 287 days ago that I would not do any drugs for 287 days, I would have asked
"Why not?"


I did this little poem at least six months back, back before I had Diabetes, before I dreamed of Chavonne, and back before I started posting about my drug addiction and sharing my experiences with Narcotics Anonymous.

I now have 287 days of being "Clean and Sober" but I'm still the weirdest kid on the block. Leastways, I try to be.
A gal at the meeting a few days ago says to me
"Bulletholes, sometimes you are very strange"
and all I could think to say was "Thank you"
She just walked slowly away.

So, anyways, Banquet Manager asked if anyone ate the Croquembouche I made for the NA fundraiser, and yes, those addicts ate the shit out of that sugar mountain, licked the platter clean too.

I didn't get any comments when I posted this 6 months ago, and I do understand that I am no poet, and that many of you have likely never heard the Steppenwolf song 'The Pusher" which was the lead song of the Movie "Easy Rider" which chronicled and romanticised the drug and anti-drug culture of the late 60's, and I don't really expect any this time around.
Maybe you got to be ol' doper to know what this is about, but....

Now everyone knows what a Croquembouche is.
And that I am a Diabetic and a grateful recovering addict.
And strange...and silly too!
And I should also remind you that while I was a Chef for 24 years, I am no Bakerman...

But I do know how to smoke a Perch...

To the tune of "The Pusher" (click there) by Steppenwolf

THE BAKERMAN by bulletholes 10/1/2008

You know I smoked a lotta’ Perch,
Oh Lord
You know I mopped a lotta’ spills
But I never Poached nuthin’, nooo,
That would have been better Grilled
You know I seen a lotta’ people walkin’ round
With Pate’ a Choux in their eyes
But the Baker don’t care, if they live or if they die

Got dang, the Baker
I said got dang the Baker
Got dang, got dang, the Bakerman

You know the Pastry Chef is a man
With the Love Dough in his hand
He’s got Eclairs an' Tarts an' Pastries
Good God, he’s not a Protein man
Aww, The Baker for a nickel
Lord, will sell you lots of Sweet Creams
You’ll get the Body Fat
And the Dia-bee-tees
There'll be Croquembouche
and Confection Sugar
When you Sneeze

I said, Got dang, the Bakerman...

Well now if I were the Manager of this Hotel
You know I’d report the Bakerman
Immediately to “Personnel”
I’d truss him if he stands and
I’d roux him if he runs
I’d kill him with my Butchers mallet,
I'd Saute’ him till he’s done…

I said Got Dang, the Bakerman

Sunday, May 03, 2009



That is not a bald spot.

Have you ever heard of a Croquembouche?

The Corquembouche was first created by a Chef back in the 1700's name of Careme'. He took Cream Puffs, dipped them in carmelized sugar and stacked them up in a conical shape. It became the Traditional French Wedding Cake and is best served by cutting with a Broadsword. They are usually 3-5 feet tall, but these I made for the NA Fundraiser auction two weeks ago are just baby's, only about 100 Puffs each.

After you get them built, you take your melted sugar and you spin it around the cake, leaving a fine silken golden web that these pictures do not quite show. Thats what I am busy doing in the pictures above. Thanks, Kimmy for taking these pics!
They are quite stunning to see and delicious to eat.
Any Pastry Chef worth their salt would be horrified at the way these look, but one of them sold for $150 dollars at the Auction!

Friday, May 01, 2009



They certainly did!
Due to Swine Flu.

Mayfest is one of our most beloved of all celebrations here in Fort Worth.
200,000 people getting together for Face-Painting, Corn Dogs, Carnival rides, and Pie Eating contests on the banks of the beautiful Trinity River.
And a Petting Zoo.
Good clean hometown fun, with vendors coming from all over the country, and a financial boon to the community.
Mayfest began along the Trinity River greenbelt in 1973. It has persevered through heat, drought, rain, and grapefruit-sized hail. But the four-day festival will not withstand the threat of swine flu.

I haven't been since the Great Hailstorm of '95 that killed over 150 ducks and geese at Trinity Park, broke out car windsheilds and sent everybody scrambling for shelter and 90 slowpokes to the hospital. It was like "Bury my Heart at Wounded Knee" without the Indians.
It was one of the worst Hailstorms ever recorded in the United States. There was 1.5 billion in property damage from that one storm.

Cancell Mayfest?
Good idea.
Especially the Petting Zoo.