Friday, February 06, 2009


I know, I've been getting a little heavier on occasion than any of us would like.
This was my assignment this week, to answer questions about my ability to control drugs.
Sometimes you start writing one thing and end up wth something else entirely by the end, and such was the case with this. In fact, it wasn't until the day after I wrote this that I really understood the way it ended, and what I had written.
I won't explain it any further, I'll let you decide.
My sponsor sure liked it.

Can I control the use of Drugs?
The only way that I can control the use of Drugs is by not using, and past performance shows that I will use again and again, and anything short of total abstinence is inadequate. Once I use a Drug, it will do exactly what it is designed to do, and moreover, it will affect me in ways I cannot control. I am likely to increase and continue my useage until my life again becomes so unmanageable, and my behavior so bad that once again, an outside influence (Jails, Institution Death) will have to step in. Drugs affect me in ways I cannot control.

We did not use drugs, drugs used us!
At first I did not quite get this one, but if you consider the countless hours spent chasing or waiting on drugs, the unsavory characters I befriended and placed my trust in to get drugs, and the places I went to placing my life and property in jeopardy I can say that indeed, drugs pushed me around. Drugs became the motivational factor in the better part of my life.
Truly, I handed my integrity over to Drugs, and did things that no one in their "right mind" would do.

The management of my life was interrupted several times by jails.
Even the times I was in jail for non-Drug charges, the charges were completely Drug related. It was the fact that drugs had made my life unmanageable that I was there for countless charges of Registration, Insurance, License and Vehicle Inspection charges. I would rather spend my money, resources and time on dope than to take care of my business.

I fully accept the fact that every attempt to stop using drugs failed.
If I had a dollar for every time I quit or said "this is the last time", I could buy a Marijuana Farm.
I stopped all right; long enough to justify using again; long enough to collect another paycheck so I could spend every last thin dime leftover (and more) on my next high; long enough to pay rent late.
I controlled my using so well I lost the trust of my wife, my inheritance, my home, my car, my friends. I was actually surprised and indignant when I lost my marriage, the respect of my kids and my will to do a days worth of work.
My sense of soul vanished like wood to smoke, beyond all repair, and as answer to what I had done to myself declared to all who would listen...
Man is not a Spiritual Being.

"The only way that I can control the use of Drugs is by not using..."
That is the first sentence I wrote, but by the end of this piece, I came to a conclusion that seemed to be a product of my subconscious and it rendered the first sentence moot.
That last sentence, in italics, just seemed to appear on the page and I didn't know what I had written until the next day. It leads directly to my next assignment, which I may post next week.


petra michelle; Whose role is it anyway? said...


cornbread hell said...

heavy shit, steve. i'm rootin' for you.

e said...

Wow, Bullet! Keep it up, man!

Rick O'Shay said...

Wow I've missed a lot. You've been busy.

You bare your soul and it seems strange reading it. like I'm introuding on something personal. Yet I can't stop reading.

I think you are finding your way.
And hopefully found your point of no return.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mr B,

I imagine you are writing for your e-friends, not this interloper when you say you are getting heavier than any of us would like. 'Cuze I DO like.
I love your humor. Thinking of some of your posts I can burst into heartfelt laughter, even while standing for eons in some government office line with my service number hundreds higher than that posted as currently being served. That's entertainment.
I appreciate your sharing of your life. It must have been hell losing a brother and your parents. Those are loses over which you were always completely powerless. You communicate with such clarity and grace. I feel you are reaching deep within yourself and baring your soul. I realize that might be easier on the internet than in person, but I also think many people are not nearly in touch with (much less, willing to share) such intimate thoughts.
I also love the way you write. You have excellent command of language and very poetic descriptions. "Vanished like wood to smoke, beyond all repair" Wowzer. You're awesome.


MikeTheWaiterDotCom said...

you are quite heavy, bullet .... but, for what it's worth, it has paused me to rmemeber that I have similar life experiences... not as well stated... but amazingly similar.. be strong, bro ... you're on the right track... one step at a time ... chris moltosante, of the "Sopranos" once said, "I've been sober and I've been high. Sober is better!" It doesn't seem better.... as I sit here craving a spleef! ... continue the journey... the alternative is unacceptable.

Barbara said...

I hope you never fall back into those bad habits. You're on top of this thing!

Anonymous said...

Wow. Ok, so now do we really get to know you??
You are awesome.
Keep clean--we are behind you!!

Anonymous said...

Miles Davis said, "The trick to playing jazz trumpet is that you have to play like yourself. The problem is that sometimes it takes a long time to find out who yourself is!"
A lot of folks are afraid to find out who they are .... pretty funny ... they are afraid of themself! Our greatest fear is our self. People are afraid of being sad and depressed - afraid of what might happen, what they might do ....
Lots of folks appreciate you Steve ... good to see you joining the crowd.
Quack, Quack!

Anonymous said...

Steve, I'm tired of your shallow, inane posts on things that have nothing to do with what's really going on with you. For a model on how to "really" get honest with oneself, check out my blog, Unremitting Failure. Kidding, of course. That last sentence is marvel, totally King James-worthy, as is your honesty throughout. I spent a good amount of time either in a blackout or wanting to be in a blackout, so I know where you're coming from. I too could have purchased a marijuana farm. A smallish one anyway. Where I could have mistreated and underpaid my overworked workers. Drat. Hang in, Mike

Anonymous said...

You're such a brave & honest man... that's all I can think of to say. (Saying any more would seem inappropriate, like I really know what I'm talking about.)


bulletholes said...

I'm fortunate to have found this place I can share this stuff from, and I don't mean my blog, but a part of me that seems willing to talk to the guy behiond me in the grocery store the way I talkm yo you guys.
Sometimes thats where these posts actually come from and sometimes my post ends up being my topic of conversation at a meeting or with my doctor or a friend and even the guy on the train that i will never see again.
Anyway, its a cool place to be, being open, honest unashamed and brave. i ran from it long enough.

And the part about "Wood to smoke"...I can't entirely claim that, nor can I remember where I got it from, I just know its not me. It worked goood for this.

Water Baby said...

Daddy, I'm so proud of you, I know it must be so hard to typw this all out and then hit the publish button. I am not sure I would be able to share myself the way that you have. I love you daddy.

GrizzBabe said...

Isn't funny how writing things down, processing things out, can really tap into areas, feelings, emotions we didn't know existed? Good work, Steve. Thanks for sharing it with us.