"THE WARM THRILL OF CONFUSION"

Fella said:
“No way I’ll ever do any dope again! I have completely lost the desire to use!”
I had to give him a funny look.
“Is that right ?” I said.
“Yep” he replied, “You could put a big pile of dope on that table right there, and I would have no desire to use any of it. I’m done”
I said "Man, I wish I could say that, but I’m not so sure”
“Why not?” he asked.
‘Well, with me it could all depend on who it was that threw down that dope, and how do she look. It if was Velvet Skinned Annie dancin’ with a rose between her teeth, I’m afraid I might be right tempted to have a go again.”
Fella just looked at me kinda sober like, and went back to his seat.


******************************

See, that’s the way it is for an addict like me. I got rid of all my phone numbers, all my connections, all the people I used to use with. But the fact of the matter is that a relapse is only a phone call away, two at most, and by the end of business today I could be high-igh.

******************************

Its just different for me. I went to a movie Monday night. It was made by a couple of 20 year old kids, one of them being the son of a friend of mine.. It was about dope, and kids that were dealing, and one of them gets beat-up, and another gets shot and another OD’s and it was supposed to be all about the intense danger that looms in every users life. Not many movies can begin to portray the insidious nature of drugs, or reveal the depth of the insanity that makes their use so attractive to people like me.
And this movie, "Thrown", did not, though I have to say it was a major accomplisment and a grand venture for a couple of High School kids.

This post is not meant to disparage the Movie, but to illuminate the space that my addict mind sometimes occupies.

Some people might be able to watch a movie like this and think “Oh, gosh, I’ll never do any drugs! No way!”.
But you know what that movie did for me?
It made me want to go use some drugs.
It made me want to snort something, even if it were only Pop-Rocks.
See, I could make all that insanity work for me. I know I could.

I wanted a piece of that action, that confusion, that excitement. No one is going to get beat up, or OD or get shot. No, I’m too slick for all that. At least that’s what my addict mind wants to tell me.
After the movie, they had a question and answer period with the audience. People asked questions like “What kind of camera did you use?” and “Did you shoot that scene over by the Bedford library” and “How long did it take to film this movie?”

It was all I could do to sit on my hands and not ask two questions:
‘Have any of you ever done any dope? I don’t mean experimented, but really done the deal?” and “How much dope was used to produce this movie?”
A good friend of mine stood up, and he never asks any questions, but he likes to make a statement. He said
“I just hope some young people see this movie and it keeps them from ever using any drugs.”
I would hope so too, but my own experience is that it was the excitement and danger and counter-culture phenomena that led me to drugs. I needed more of a thrill than what the Chess Club and Methodist Youth Fellowship had to offer.

I left that theater and went straight to a meeting. These days I just thank God for Narcotics Anonymous, whose message is:

“Anyone can stop doing drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live.”

SLEEPIN' NIGHTS AIN'T SO BAD

Stayin’ clean for 440 days has not been that tough.
Its not near as tough as handing a guy you barely know and who has no visible means of support 100 bucks with the hope that he will be back in the next hour or two.
That he will be back at all.
Its not near as tough as concocting an explanation for why you have no Drivers license, Inspection Sticker, Registration, and your socks don’t match.
Its not nearly as difficult as trying to get through the next week with $4.58 to your name.
That’s tough.
Its not as hard as looking into your rear-view mirror and having a blood-clot heart attack because a cop is right behind you, or turning into someones driveway because you see one a few blocks up.
Its not nearly as hard as trying to remember the last place you put your shit can be, especially when the last time you slept was in line at Jack-in the Box four days ago.
Nope, sleepin’ nights really ain’t so bad.
Really, it ain’t that bad being able to look your boss, your kids, and your friends in the eye again; to make new friends and learn how to buy groceries, chew your food before you swallow, and clean a little on a regular basis instead of a 12 hour binge every 3 weeks.
Of course, I'm still working on that one.

Tomorrow, I graduate from my Probation, my case dismissed.
Funny, a year ago I figured that I would go get commode-huggin’ snot-slingin’ drunk after graduation. That I might even want to do a little dope in celebration, you know, what the hell.
The Court system brought me to Narcotics Anonymous. thats how most of us addicts get there. We come like prisoners, like refugee's, and the first thing they tell us is that we really don't have to use drugs today.
They tell us that we can lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live.
Narcotics Anonymous really did give me a new way to live.
I might have been able to stay clean for 440 days through the court system, but still, I would be lost.
I would still be so lost.

"NEVER BEEN BETTER"

Birthday Night is a celebration every month for those Narcotics Anonymous members who have stayed clean and sober for a continuous year. There was a guy Friday night that celebrated his 19th birthday.
When its your Birthday, you get to pick up a gold coin.
Someone will introduce you from the podium, usually your sponsor.
Then you go up to the podium and address the group. You can talk about how you stayed clean and sober, or what the program has done for you, or what your struggles may have been and how you got thru them..

Last Friday was my first Birthday Night, having had my first year sober.
One of my good buddies gave me a custom made T-Shirt that reads “Never Been Better” before the meeting. I have been running around the last month telling anyone who will listen that I have never been better.
Then the meeting started….and guess who got to go first?

I’m not sure why I got to go first, but I did.
My sponsor went up to the Podium and said
“When this guy came to me 6 months ago and asked me to be his sponsor I wasn’t too sure what to say. But he has stuck around, and done some stepwork and now he is a part of this group now. And if you haven’t met him, well, you are about to now, and you have to realize that he is really loud, and he laughs so hard, and he has this big heart and he has on this shirt and he will probably tell you all about it.
So come on up here Steve!”

And I went running to the podium like some kind of Heavyweight Champion of the World, hands waving and arms flying, kicked my right leg out as I took a left and went sliding up to the podium.

Quite animated, I said:
“Man , I am so excited to be here, I’m more excited than the first time I rode the Texas Twister at Six Flags, and if you aren’t excited as I am about Narcotics Anonymous like me then you just do like I did and keep coming back.
I got support groups everywhere:
I have ‘em in my Blog world, and I can’t tell you how much support I have gotten from people I have never even met, and likely never will.
And I know every cashier, busboy, buffet attendant in town, and they all know my story and when I go to Blockbuster Video and the girl behind the counter says “How you doin’, Bulletholes?” I do a little dance and say “I’ve never been better Baby, how’ bout you” and everybody in the store can hear me and knows I’m there.
And I got a couple kids….do you think they are excited their daddy don’t do any dope?
And I got an X Wife and a sister and friends and family that have finally seen me stop using drugs….Do you think they are excited?
But what I really have that’s done it for me is all you people here at NA…like the literature says, “the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel”
I get to come here and hear the things I need to hear from other addicts…
And I get to come here and meet people that I need to meet…
And sometimes I get to come here and say some things I need to hear myself say…
And I am just totally psyched on the idea that I did something I did not know I would want to do, that I COULD do, and thats stay off drugs for a whole year...
So somebody ask me…”How you doin’ Steve?”

And someone in the crowd of 150 people hollered out “How you doin’ Steve?”

And I stood away from the podium so everyone could see my shirt, I even pointed to it and shouted at the top of my lungs
“NEVER BEEN BETTER!”

And the crowd went wild!

TRAILS

Sometimes we get on a trail that seems to have no end, and we feel lost, and at some point we have to turn back. Its hard to say what point that is, but turn back we do.
Sometimes we get on a trail and we see all the signs we are on the right trail; life gets real easy for a time.
Sometimes we come to places that we have to choose between two trails, and some of those times we pick, and never get know that on the trail we did not pick there is a sign that says
"No longer an option".

Part of Learning to Hope may be finding there are few trails thusly marked.

RAGERS CREED

I found something a while back that has really helped me at work.
I susbstitute 'workmates" for 'family members".

THE RAGERS CREED from "ANGER BUSTING 101"
1. I will practice self-restraint as a *top* priority today.
2. I will act *the opposite* of how I feel, when angry.
3. If I feel that my anger is about to erupt, I will *quietly* leave the situation.
4. I will find truth in *all* criticisms directed toward me today, especially from my partner..
5. I will say, "You are right," in a sincere, meaningful way, when I am criticized. (Notice that it does not say, "I will say, 'You are right, but...'")
6. I will give an example of how the person who criticized me is *right*.
7. I will repeat the following sentence to myself today: "I am better off being *wrong* because when I am right, I am dangerous."
8. I will avoid explaining myself in any way by saying, "I have no idea why I did that...it doesn't make any sense to me either."
9. I will listen sympathetically to my partner when she tells me about her day.
10. I will not give unsolicited advice to my wife or children.
11. I will avoid blaming family members for anything today, especially if it was their fault.
12. I will avoid trying to make any family member "understand" anything.
13. I will avoid trying to convince my child or spouse that I am being fair.
14. I will look for an opportunity to sincerely praise everyone I live with, especially the cat I don't like.
15. I will humbly commit myself to removing my angry behaviors today, as my contribution toward a more peaceful world.

THE BLACK CARD

My sister has started a Blog, (click here) and she left a comment on my post from last week.
I don't know where she may take her blog, but she has started by commenting on my Journey, which she has felt deeply and been a part of.
Here is her comment, and I hope soon she has a post up...


She says:
"There is an enormity to this day.
Bullethole’s story from the prospective of his Sister:

I am bummed that I have to submit this in part’s because you can’t understand one part without the others. I skip around (I have ADHD). I couldn’t decide the order in which to tell our story. I think that I am starting with the worst part. I hope that as I go, I can explain how it got this bad. Then I want to talk about now, which is really the best part. Everyone else I have lost has stayed lost. This time though my brother who was lost to me has been refound.

I can tell by the wonderful responses that have been made to my brother’s blog that many of you care for him deeply. I thought that some of you may want to know more about this man, this wordsmith who literally IS Lazarus. To me, he has risen from the dead. As siblings our stories are intertwined. For many years I felt that there was little emotional connection between the two of us. In alcoholic families (yes, our parent’s were very high functioning alcoholics) siblings either grow very close to each other because they need to support each other. Or, they grow distant as one sibling wants to talk about it (me) and one sibling doesn’t (him). Kids from addictive families also get assigned roles. Who gets what role is the luck of the draw. There is the hero, the saint, the comedian, the scapegoat, the lost child. For those of you not familiar http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/alcohol-abuse/toxic-brew explains some of this.

What made our situation a little more insidious is that our parents where unbelievably attractive and gracious people. There wasn’t anybody lying around on the couch with a bottle of liquor in a brown bag. My father was a highly successful and admired man. He was a good friend of John Connelly (yes, the Governor of Texas who was riding in the car with JFK when he was assassinated. I have a great story of when I met the Governor’s sister who figured out that I was the daughter of bullet holes senior and her great admiration for him, but that if for another time.) In his prime, he was hand picked to run for the head of the Texas Railroad Commission. Bullet holes senior told me about, and I have some memories of frequent breakfasts at the Governors’ mansion in Austin. We came through the kitchen door.

So, I didn’t understand until almost 6 or 7 years after they died that there was a drinking problem. I learned about this from my mother’s best friend before she died. It was further verified by Dave Mow’s Grass’s mother, my sister in law. My mother was the primary alcoholic. Her friend Jean, wife of the infamous Bruce we all have come to love and laugh at had no idea that I didn’t know when I finally asked her about it. After I came to understand alcoholism I could recall incidents that spoke to our father’s romance with it as well.

Bullet holes drew the black card, the addict. I spent a lot of years being angry with him about it. A couple of years ago, I realized that I owed him. It could have been me. Oh, God. It could have been me.

It seemed that the endless string of losses sent my brother further into his addictions and me into mine. The fiend of a drug that would eventually suck my brother under and almost take him away forever.

ONE YEAR

One year tomorrow, not so much as a glass of O'Douls psuedo-beer, nor a Wine Sauce with my Pasta, or a Benedryl or Vicks inhaler. No Opiates, Amphetamines, or Barbituates.
No Mexican Fireweed, White Robots, Pink Witches or Strawberry Fields.
If you had told me I would do so a year ago, to stay clean and sober, I would have asked you "What for?".
I'd have told you that I would have to use, eventually and soon, if for no other reason than to settle my ass down a little, make myself a little more quietly bearable.
And to get that sinkfull of dishes done.

I have since found lots of reasons "what for".
I have gotten used to my loud-ass, over-the-top, in-the-center-ring-spotlight self.
I can look my kids, my friends and my past in the eye and spit.

Fuck the dirty dishes, let 'em pile up to Kingdom Come...I ain't usin' no matter what.

I'M DONE

345 days clean and sober.
330 posts in 345 days.
I'd hoped to hit 365 in 365 with 365 days clean, but I think I'm done.
I might could do 35 posts in the next 20 days, but they would be real crap.
So I just might be done.
Thats what they say down at NA when you are at the end of the road.




LOST IN THE BACKYARD
I said "this is the last time"
A few times ago
But once more it's happened
And that's all in the world I know
I still hear the echo
When you hung up the phone
I feel like I'm lost in the back yard
Just trying to get home.

I woke up in a strange world
I can aptly describe
It's like the streets of a town where I lived
When I was too young to drive
It all looks so Familiar
But I can't find my way
I must have got lost in the back yard
When I went out to play

Don't open my eyes
To nothing like truth
Just leave it all lost in the wind
Let it hide in the blindness of youth
The facts of the matter
Most likely will always remain
And I guess I'll be lost in the back yard
Till I get home again

j. mcmurtry

KING SOLOMON ON ADDICTION

Who has woe?
Who has sorrow?
Who has strife?
Who has complaining?
Who has wounds without cause?
Who has redness of eyes?

Those who tarry long over wine;
those who go to try mixed wine.
Do not look at wine when it is red,
when it sparkles in the cup
and goes down smoothly.

In the end it bites like a serpent
and stings like an adder.
Your eyes will see strange things,
and your heart utter perverse things.
You will be like one who lies down in the midst of the sea,
like one who lies on the top of a mast.

“They struck me,” you will say,“but I was not hurt;
they beat me, but I did not feel it.
When shall I awake?
I must have another drink.”

proverbs 23

THE MOD SQUAD

The last 4 weeks has been a time of old friendships coming back around again.
There is "Jimi", a buddy from High School who I found recently at NA with 14 years of clean time. He is the same but he is different. He was the Jimi Hendix of LD Bell High School, the only black spot in a sea of white, which made him a real novelty in these parts, and he became a friend, a cohort and back then, seemed to give a carte blanc of coolness to anyone in his proximity.

We used to get high just about everyday together back then, and if we were still in class by lunch, then there was something terribly wrong.
I see him about once a week now, and he is an inspiration to stay clean and sober.
HE IS ONE OF THE VERY FEW TO HAVE 14 YEARS OF CLEAN TIME WITHOUT A SINGLE RELAPSE.

In a meeting a few days ago, near the end of the meeting, someone called on him to share (talk). Jimi usually will talk even without being called on but this day he declined. The dude next to him pokes him in the ribs and says “C’mon, Jimi, go ahead” but Jimi declines again and says in perfect Jimi form
“No, man, I don’t want to mess with anybodies serenity”

I laughed my ass off, partly because it was funny but mostly because he said it just the way he would have said it 35 years ago. Only back then when he said it, he probably had his hand in your pocket, the way he has his in Lisa's here...

LISA, JIMI, AND ME
JANUARY 1975
3rd PERIOD CHEMISTRY CLASS

BEING CLEAN

“When I came to this group I knew that finding a “Higher Power” would be part of the program.
I wondered how you guys would sell this to me, an unbeliever.
Because to me, God, even one of my own understanding, is a slippery thing, hard to grasp and harder to hold. Like soap in the shower, where you try to hold it but it slips from your hands. It slides around the bottom of the shower, you pick it up, and no matter how hard you squeeze, it slips out again for you to retrieve.
I do not yet have a grasp on this God, but I have found that the more I chase the soap around, the cleaner I seem to get.”
BULLETHOLES

A PIG WALKS INTO A PHARMACY

I went to the Pharmacy yesterday and the girl there remembered my name.
She says "Are you picking up, Mr Bulletholes?'
and I said yes, and expressed my astonishment that she knew my name!
The grey haired pharmacist says 'You are one of our favorite customers, Mr Bulletholes!" and the other assistant looks at me and nods her head and smiles.
I think to myself
"What did I do?'
I mean., I'm not in there that much or anything, twice a month, I'm just a regular guy picking up a few prescriptions for the last 4 months...

So I ask everybody there if they know any Pharmacy Jokes.
They all frown and shake their head no. They don't know any Pharmacy jokes.
So I say 'Ya'll ought to make one up!"
and the old man behind the counter looks over the top of his Pharmacist glasses and says
"Like what?"
"Welllllll.....like maybe" I say "like maybe...A pig walks into a Pharmacy and asks "Do you have anything for the flu?"'

Man, its not funny, but the whole place just cracks up, including the lady behind me in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank. They had to fix her Oxygen she was crackin' up so bad.
I still can't figure how come they know me so well down there.

WHY NOT

If you had told me 287 days ago that I would not do any drugs for 287 days, I would have asked
"Why not?"

EASY BAKER

Hah!
I did this little poem at least six months back, back before I had Diabetes, before I dreamed of Chavonne, and back before I started posting about my drug addiction and sharing my experiences with Narcotics Anonymous.

I now have 287 days of being "Clean and Sober" but I'm still the weirdest kid on the block. Leastways, I try to be.
A gal at the meeting a few days ago says to me
"Bulletholes, sometimes you are very strange"
and all I could think to say was "Thank you"
She just walked slowly away.

So, anyways, Banquet Manager asked if anyone ate the Croquembouche I made for the NA fundraiser, and yes, those addicts ate the shit out of that sugar mountain, licked the platter clean too.

I didn't get any comments when I posted this 6 months ago, and I do understand that I am no poet, and that many of you have likely never heard the Steppenwolf song 'The Pusher" which was the lead song of the Movie "Easy Rider" which chronicled and romanticised the drug and anti-drug culture of the late 60's, and I don't really expect any this time around.
Maybe you got to be ol' doper to know what this is about, but....

Now everyone knows what a Croquembouche is.
And that I am a Diabetic and a grateful recovering addict.
And strange...and silly too!
And I should also remind you that while I was a Chef for 24 years, I am no Bakerman...

But I do know how to smoke a Perch...

To the tune of "The Pusher" (click there) by Steppenwolf

THE BAKERMAN by bulletholes 10/1/2008

You know I smoked a lotta’ Perch,
Oh Lord
You know I mopped a lotta’ spills
But I never Poached nuthin’, nooo,
That would have been better Grilled
You know I seen a lotta’ people walkin’ round
With Pate’ a Choux in their eyes
But the Baker don’t care, if they live or if they die


Got dang, the Baker
I said got dang the Baker
Got dang, got dang, the Bakerman

You know the Pastry Chef is a man
With the Love Dough in his hand
He’s got Eclairs an' Tarts an' Pastries
Good God, he’s not a Protein man
Aww, The Baker for a nickel
Lord, will sell you lots of Sweet Creams
You’ll get the Body Fat
And the Dia-bee-tees
There'll be Croquembouche
and Confection Sugar
When you Sneeze

I said, Got dang, the Bakerman...

Well now if I were the Manager of this Hotel
You know I’d report the Bakerman
Immediately to “Personnel”
I’d truss him if he stands and
I’d roux him if he runs
I’d kill him with my Butchers mallet,
I'd Saute’ him till he’s done…

I said Got Dang, the Bakerman

EVERY LITTLE BIT COUNTS

Every Little Bit Counts

My thoughts were gnawing at me so I tried hard not to think
I took a pint of whiskey and poured it down the sink
I'd get my act together, I swore it to myself
I looked up at your picture and I knocked it off the shelf
Every little bit counts
Every little bit counts


I tried and I tried and I tried to be so good
Wanted to be so good so bad
I tried and I tried and I tried every trick I could
'til I'd emptied out the whole damn bag
but it was too little too late

I'm no longer choking on the hair of the dog
It's been a couple of weeks now since I came out of the fog
The highs are slightly higher
And the lows are just as low
A mild improvement on the average even so
Every little bit counts

Though it may not count for much
They could be long forgotten
By the time you add 'em up
Every little bit counts



J. MCMURTRY

BEING OK...IS RELATIVE

Here's an article about a 6 lb. dog that rode a 70 MPH gust of wind 2 miles and is described as being "dirty, hungry, but otherwise OK". (not the dogs words)
(click here)
Not lucky, blessed, traumatized, slightly damaged, windblown, disheveled, possessed, mad, loco, totally freaked, a long way from home or "no worse for the wear", but just OK.
Okay, as in fine, copacetic, hunky-dory, allright, cool, good-to-go, and "Fair-to-Middlin'.
Doggie just wants a bath and a meal.

Okee-Dokee.
It's the best you'll do on and average day.

BEING OK...FOR A DAY!

Thoughts, continued from "knock-knees"

Tommy thought:
“Why the fuck is it so hard to be Okay?”

I wonder this sometimes, like when the laundry is piled up and I am tempted to wear yesterdays socks…OK….whenever I find myself wearing yesterdays socks.
Or when I start the dishwasher and even though its full, there is still another half load of dishes in the sink.
I live by myself...do you know how many days you have to avoid doing dishes to create that scenario?
Or when I can’t find my shoes and look all over the place and finally find the lost one behind the couch.
Who kicks a shoe off to have it land behind the couch?
Or when I look for my keys in all the usual places only to discover that…there are no “Usual “ places. They could be anywhere.
Or when I wake up in the morning and there is nothing for breakfast, even though there is money for groceries, and I have to stop somewhere on my bicycle, which I didn't want to ride, but I have no car and no choice, and wind up eating a $7 breakfast when a bowl of cereal would have sufficed.

And these are just little things…

I’ve spent most of the last 15 years using a couch as a bed. This is a bigger thing thqn you might imagine, you who have slept in a bed for most of your sleeping life. Last year, about the time I had begun to sleep in my bed, I gave it away.
I think part of the reason I gave it away is a fear of doing things that make me seem OK.
Sleeping on a couch full time is not OK. So, in the interest of being OK, I bought a new bed 6 weeks ago. I noticed right away that having bought that bed, suddenly laundry was getting done more regular, that I was doing half loads of dishes, and that my keys, even though I still couldn’t find them, my keys were on the Key Hook!
What a concept…
But you know what?
Its hard to stay OK for long, and over the period of a few weeks, my laundry is starting to suffer, and last night I did a load of dishes, but a load didn’t get them all, and right now I am wearing yesterdays socks and can’t find my keys anywhere.

But that’s OK man.
I was OK for a while and even if I’m not OK right now…..
I’m still a bed ahead!

I have spent 3 of the last 4 years without a car. I'm not sure how I've done it but I have, and while it helped to make me OK for a while, it is now a part of me being "Not OK"
But Thursday, I am buying a truck.
And I''ll bet that truck will be like that bed, and I'll be a little more OK for a while because of it, but then at some point I will be less OK in spite of it, but thats OK....
I'll still be a Truck ahead!

I'll be a bed and a Truck ahead!
Hooray!

KNOCK-KNEES

All Tommy wanted was to make it to a meeting

Just get the hell out of Applebee’s and go to a God-Damned meeting. Sure, he had 4 years clean time, and was on his second tour of the Fourth Step, but right now he wasn’t feeling any too strong. Yeah, a little female companionship would be nice. Someone to share the 13 Spiritual Principles* in his newfound drug-free life with. After 6 years in the program with only one relapse, it was safe, and probably about time for him to come out of his self imposed shell and try to live like a normal human being.
"Way overdue" he thought to himself.

How hard could it be?

Never mind that his only jacket had “Clean and Sober” logo and his clean date advertised on his ragged back, and his nickname of “Knock-Knees” on the front next to his Sergeant at Arms patch. His leathers were adorned with brass letters spelling out the words
'Third Tradition"** and "We do Recover"***.
His only transportation was a fairly worn out Harley Softail.
His only shoes were boots. Motorcycle boots.
Everything Tommy owned was black or had a skull on it.
He lived to ride, mostly, except at work, where he processed Microchips for a Major Telecom Distributor.
Even with all the Death Insignia and Jailhouse Tattoos, he deserved a shot at being normal, even if the only thing regular about him was his haircut.
Every morning he woke up and said his Third Step Prayer:
"God, take my will and my life. Guide me in my recovery. Show me how to live clean"


And he might be normal one day, right after he finished killing his sponsor.

His sponsor who had suggested he join that Singles Club which had planted him in this damn booth at Applebees, drinking coffee and eating Pecan Pie with one of the nicest plainest most flat-chested women he had ever met.

Tommy had done some pretty terrible things in his day, things that he had just recently learned to accept, but right now he could not recall doing anything more twisted than what he was doing right now, which happened to be trying to have a nice conversation with a normal woman.
A normal woman, wearing a Robins Egg Blue Gingham dress who had never done any dope at all. Ever.
It was excruciating.
Why the fuck is it so hard so hard to just be Okay.

All Tommy wanted was to make a meeting.
to be continued



*hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, faith, tolerance, patience, humility, unconditional love, sharing and caring.
from the basic text, Step 12

**"The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using"
from The 12 Traditions of NA

***When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a Human Being either with or without drugs we all face the same dillemna-what is there left to do?...
...Those who are addicted today are more fortunate. for the first time in mans entire history a simple way has been proving itself in the lives of many addicts. It is available to us all. This is a simple Spiritual-not Religious - program, known as Narcotics Anonymous
from the group readings, NA literature

270 DAYS

Nine months, not so much as a sip of Wine.
What I miss is a Dos Equis with my Fajitas.
After all, I am the Second Most Interesting Man in the World.

"Mandatum novum do vobis ut diligatis invicem sicut dilexi vos"

for many a dark hour, i've been thinking of this
that jesus christ was betrayed with a kiss
but i can't think for you
you'll have to decide
if judas iscariot had god on his side
b.dylan

Man., I went Sunday Morning to my old Sunday School Class to tell them I have been going to Narcotics Anonymous and how much I am getting out of it. I used to go to that class about once a month, and they like me immensely as I do them. I wanted them to know where I've been the last 5 months, and that I am the Chairperson for the 10 and 12 O'Clock meetings on Sundays.
I should have known better….
They were very concerned that it is not a “Biblical” program.
They were concerned with the idea that we seek a "god of our own true understanding" and not their “one True God".
I tried to explain that NA is a simple Spiritual, not religious program and seems to be having a great effect on me and that it may even lead me back to the Church someday. (it could happen)
Its such a wonderful juxtaposition, a dichotomy, and one that they don't quite understand.
Somehow I managed to get out of there without insulting them or starting a huge fight of some sort.

But they invited me to their Maundy Thursday Service tonight and I will probably attend.

My boss and I talked about Maundy Thursday yesterday.
My title phrase is Latin, and we take Maundy from the word "mondatum" which is the first word in a phrase Christ gave us even as Judas was betraying him;

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you"

A wonderful juxtaposition, part of a really great story whether you choose to believe it or not.
My boss is very strong in his belief that yes, Judas had God on his side.
He says we all do.