Wednesday, October 07, 2009


Stayin’ clean for 440 days has not been that tough.
Its not near as tough as handing a guy you barely know and who has no visible means of support 100 bucks with the hope that he will be back in the next hour or two.
That he will be back at all.
Its not near as tough as concocting an explanation for why you have no Drivers license, Inspection Sticker, Registration, and your socks don’t match.
Its not nearly as difficult as trying to get through the next week with $4.58 to your name.
That’s tough.
Its not as hard as looking into your rear-view mirror and having a blood-clot heart attack because a cop is right behind you, or turning into someones driveway because you see one a few blocks up.
Its not nearly as hard as trying to remember the last place you put your shit can be, especially when the last time you slept was in line at Jack-in the Box four days ago.
Nope, sleepin’ nights really ain’t so bad.
Really, it ain’t that bad being able to look your boss, your kids, and your friends in the eye again; to make new friends and learn how to buy groceries, chew your food before you swallow, and clean a little on a regular basis instead of a 12 hour binge every 3 weeks.
Of course, I'm still working on that one.

Tomorrow, I graduate from my Probation, my case dismissed.
Funny, a year ago I figured that I would go get commode-huggin’ snot-slingin’ drunk after graduation. That I might even want to do a little dope in celebration, you know, what the hell.
The Court system brought me to Narcotics Anonymous. thats how most of us addicts get there. We come like prisoners, like refugee's, and the first thing they tell us is that we really don't have to use drugs today.
They tell us that we can lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live.
Narcotics Anonymous really did give me a new way to live.
I might have been able to stay clean for 440 days through the court system, but still, I would be lost.
I would still be so lost.


Anonymous said...

I am so proud of you. I can't imagine how hard it must have been at first, but you have continued to be free and that is a beautiful thing.

I watched my best friend struggle for 5 years with narcotics, but was hopeless to help him. I am happy to say he is 13 years clean with NA. Eventhough his wife passed away two and half weeks ago, he hasn't gone back. He is devastated by her death, but the support is there and he is staying clean.

I applaud you. :)

kissyface said...

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me. I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Addiction seems to me a common denominator of the American experience. I don't know why it's such a prominent feature of our culture (I have my theories), but it is. Of course, we aren't so different from the rest of Europe in that regard.

Me too, I'm so proud of you. You have so much to offer the world.

Barbara said...

Yay for NA! It seems to have turned your life around. Now go do another 440 days on your own.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations. You are magnificent. Not many people really understand what it means to crawl out of hell. You shine.

Annie said...

Congratulations. Hiya Bulletholes!

bulletholes said...

Thanks ya'll!

ALittleGuitar said...

well done. stand tall.

Leslie Hawes said...

It's actually kinda fun gettin' pulled over by a cop when you are sober and all your paperwork is in order.
Hi, Bullets!
Good work!