Friday, October 23, 2009


Fella said:
“No way I’ll ever do any dope again! I have completely lost the desire to use!”
I had to give him a funny look.
“Is that right ?” I said.
“Yep” he replied, “You could put a big pile of dope on that table right there, and I would have no desire to use any of it. I’m done”
I said "Man, I wish I could say that, but I’m not so sure”
“Why not?” he asked.
‘Well, with me it could all depend on who it was that threw down that dope, and how do she look. It if was Velvet Skinned Annie dancin’ with a rose between her teeth, I’m afraid I might be right tempted to have a go again.”
Fella just looked at me kinda sober like, and went back to his seat.


See, that’s the way it is for an addict like me. I got rid of all my phone numbers, all my connections, all the people I used to use with. But the fact of the matter is that a relapse is only a phone call away, two at most, and by the end of business today I could be high-igh.


Its just different for me. I went to a movie Monday night. It was made by a couple of 20 year old kids, one of them being the son of a friend of mine.. It was about dope, and kids that were dealing, and one of them gets beat-up, and another gets shot and another OD’s and it was supposed to be all about the intense danger that looms in every users life. Not many movies can begin to portray the insidious nature of drugs, or reveal the depth of the insanity that makes their use so attractive to people like me.
And this movie, "Thrown", did not, though I have to say it was a major accomplisment and a grand venture for a couple of High School kids.
This post is not meant to disparage the Movie, but to illuminate the space that my addict mind sometimes occupies.

Some people might be able to watch a movie like this and think “Oh, gosh, I’ll never do any drugs! No way!”.
But you know what that movie did for me?
It made me want to go use some drugs.
It made me want to snort something, even if it were only Pop-Rocks.
See, I could make all that insanity work for me. I know I could.
I wanted a piece of that action, that confusion, that excitement. No one is going to get beat up, or OD or get shot. No, I’m too slick for all that. At least that’s what my addict mind wants to tell me.
After the movie, they had a question and answer period with the audience. People asked questions like “What kind of camera did you use?” and “Did you shoot that scene over by the Bedford library” and “How long did it take to film this movie?”

It was all I could do to sit on my hands and not ask two questions:
‘Have any of you ever done any dope? I don’t mean experimented, but really done the deal?” and “How much dope was used to produce this movie?”
A good friend of mine stood up, and he never asks any questions, but he likes to make a statement. He said
“I just hope some young people see this movie and it keeps them from ever using any drugs.”
I would hope so too, but my own experience is that it was the excitement and danger and counter-culture phenomena that led me to drugs. I needed more of a thrill than what the Chess Club and Methodist Youth Fellowship had to offer.

I left that theater and went straight to a meeting. These days I just thank God for Narcotics Anonymous, whose message is:

“Anyone can stop doing drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live.”


soubriquet said...

That's scary.

As with so many things, sensation story-lines miss the point that many lives and families are wrecked in a long drawn-out tale of pain and sorrow, without the whizz-bang and pizzazz of hollywood.

My friend's brother was a heroin addict for over twenty years.
Currently, he's clean, has a job, and Narcotics Anonymous is a big factor in his life. But he admits, he is afraid, that if he encountered some people from his past, he might not be strong enough to resist.
People care about him, though there were times he stole from them, fought them, hurt them.
He says there's a demon in him that he has to confront every day.
But he also says, he's living his life for the first time since he was a teenager. The last twenty or so years, he was not in control, and he can never have that time back.

bulletholes said...

Hey Souby!
"sensation story-lines miss the point that many lives and families are wrecked in a long drawn-out tale of pain and sorrow"
Yeah, its like that.
Its like jurrasic Park....everybody see's the Dinosaurs and its all "Ooooh and Ahhh" and then...the screaming and running starts.

Mother of Invention said...

I hope you stick with it and find some other things in life that can give you equal highs.
You probably have more will power than you think to get this far...more than me with trying to eat right with diabetes.
Sending you all the good resisting- vibes I got!!!

Barbara said...

You've obviously learned a lot over the past year +. I love the fact that you've nailed your addict mind completely. I'm glad you have NA to support your new way of looking at life.

Martijn said...

Last Friday the conversation here at the office came to playing a musical instrument, and what the advantages of that were (nobody but me plays). I said: "unless you play something, you can never truly understand the music." This idea followed me listening to Jimi Hendrix' 'Band of Gypsies' the day before, and standing, for the so manieth time, motionless and, hearing all his notes, his improvisation and in my mind 'seeing' what he does with his hands. Then everybody got mad with me again. I was the snob, again. But all I meant was: you have to do some things to really understand them. I don't play the trumpet, so how can I really understand Miles Davis playing? I don't know how he makes those notes. Same with drugs I guess. I don't know drugs... proper drugs. Other than The Sauce that is. But I do know I think you're a brave & strong man for making yourself go away from it.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if you have any idea how touching this blog is. At first it scared me, you desribe your desire for drugs in a way that made my heart hurt for you and made me fear you were going back to the "other" side. I thought about it all weekend and then re-read your blog this morning. I had let your mention of going straight to a meeting and being thankful for NA be overshadowed. I hope the meeting helped, I hope today is better for you and the next day and the next.

West Texas Insomniac said...

Hey Steve!!!

Most poignant blog in a long time. Maybe ever...

I haven't had a drink in over a month. I don't really miss it. Since I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease I've had bigger fish to fry. But it has changed my lifestyle. I wanted to go to the sports bar yesterday to watch NFL...but I knew if I did I'd have a big glass of yummy Shiner. Or six. LOL

Here's MY feelings on drugs. I saw you in a recent picture where someone near was drinking a beer. It would be hard, but I could probably pull that off. I have lifelong friends that still smoke weed, some daily. Professional people with above average incomes, families...responsibilities. I can hang out and never be tempted.

BUT, I cannot be around "chemicals". An addict is always an addict, right? I know that if I did a bump, it (probably) wouldn't kill me right then, but it WOULD kill me. Just knowing it's in the same building makes my palms sweat. My heart rate goes up. It's not until I'm on a verge of a panic attack that I simply HAVE TO GO. Remove the temptation from the equation. Now here's the goofy part...I haven't done drugs in over 20 years! That's the power of those evil substances.

The last time I was in the hospital I refused morphine for 2 days. I was chomping on Lortab like they were mints. Finally, I sat up in that bed with tears in my eyes and told my RN to "stop this pain"...As soon as that morphine hit my IV I remembered why I quit drugs...I've gone on enough, but I don't have a clue if any kind of education will ever stop SOME kids from having to touch that stove to make sure it's hot. Everything I read says LSD, marijuana, cocaine, meth and prescription drug abuse is on the rise again, especially in younger people. It's a shame because THAT'S where we have to catch it. Again, great story. Tim

bulletholes said...

Barbara and know you guys have stuck with me for some time now and...w3ell...have I told you guys how mucch I like you lately?

bulletholes said...

Hi Matijn!
I'm addicted to music too!

bulletholes said...

anon...I appreciate your concern. I don't usually post anything here till its played all the way out. be sure to read my endingsd to any troubling blogs because there is usually a conclusion there for you. Anytime i can find a way to put the NA message in around here, I will!

bulletholes said...

Hey West Texas!
It was a bit of a rant, wasn't it?
So far I have had no trouble in being around alcohol, but that could change. i am convinced that to take a drink would lead me back to using at some point.
Anyhow, I have a blast being sober!
And like you say, I can't be atround any chemicals at all. Too much pull for me.

West Texas Insomniac said...

A dear friend of mine will be speaking at this event. I've never been to an AA/NA meeting, (much to her chagrin...) But I MAY be attending, depending on how I feel.

Have a great day! Tim

Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it

Kim said...

The drugs do eventually lose their charm maybe you have found this now, you wrote this a year and a half ago. I'm just out on my discovery mission. I've learned alot tonight. Read some 2008s and 9s. Saw that name Lily again. Lily Is my nickname for my girl pup, lily jilly. Her name is really l'il Jill you know like a rap star. I do wonder about your lily