Monday, October 12, 2009


I took a girl out in High School and before we had our second date her mother found her diary.
There was no second date!

It reminds me of an old Bread song about a Diary from their album "Baby,I'm a Want You".

I found her diary underneath a tree.
and started reading about me
The words she's written took me by surprise
you'd never read them in her eyes.
They said that she had found the love she waited for.
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it

Whoa, Nellie!

Nobody ever kept their Diary underneath a tree. Not unless they were a squirrel in love, a sensitive, deeply emotional right-brained squirrel with a lot of love to give. But squirrels generally do not keep diaries, no.
They are too busy gathering nuts. And tweaking. Ever see one jump sideways 20 feet and scramble 100 feet up a tree? I used to have friends did the same thing.

I have walked past, by, and through a great many trees. My granpa had a Pecan Farm, I've been to the redwood forest, and the piney woods too; there were squirrels everywhere, but never once did I find a diary. I've never heard of a Diary Tree, where diaries grow like ten dollar bills on the branches, falling with the leaves in autumn to sprout into little Diary Tree saplings.

No, the only way you are going to find a diary is if you are a sicko control freak or a jilted lover with a confidence problem. and you break a window or pick a lock and ransack someone’s house, looking through their drawers and under their bed and on the top shelf of their closets until you finally find the wall safe behind the Renoir, and you tear it out of the wall, drag it out to the car and speed down to the river bottom sticks where you can blow the lock and read all about yourself.

Or you can send your lover out for pizza, then ransack their house.
That's how you are going to get your hands on a diary.
No one leaves them "under a tree".
That would simply be bad journalism.
Maybe not as bad as this post.

My Diary! Gimme back my diary!


Martijn said...

Bad post? Bad post? Uhuh! It's good. Keeping a diary under a tree... who has ever heard of such irresponsibility. Good of you to point that out.

bulletholes said...

Its my best "Mike" impression.
Its all I got.

Mother of Invention said...

I thought this post was a riot! You have such an imaginative mind and I love how it races all around but does make connections along the way! (Kinda like mine sometimes!)

Barbara said...

My boyfriend's mother once found the letters I had written to him. I'm blushing as I type this. Parents can really make a mess of things sometimes.

GEWELS said...

Yup, my mother once found a written note about a date I had had.
I was grounded for a month!
Was the date with you Steve?

(p.s. I love jedi squirrels)

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post! I can't say enough good things about it. Except how did you know I keep my diary in a wall safe behind the Renoir?


Kudos, UF Mike

Kellyann Brown said...

I have to sheepishly admit that "Diary" was one of my favorite Bread songs... probably because it came out when I was in romantically inclined Middle School and could conceive of someone finding someone else's private thoughts and misinterpreting them to be about themselves... When you are in Middle School it IS all about you! :::smile:::

love the squirrels... still love the Bread song!

bulletholes said...

Hi Mom! I love you!

Barb, what did you do with that boy?

Was the Date with me? Yes.There was me, then lisa in the front seat and sophie in the back seat and I didn't know whether to crap or go bowling so I would kiss lisa till sophie started whining, then hop into the back seat with sophie till lisa complained of being lonely. This was how I spent halloween, 1973 at Chisdolm Park.
I have no idea what lisa put in her diary. I know you don't believe me but its the truth.

mike, i can see where you might like this...or despise me for it!

Kelly, if you couldn't get a girl with that album gouing, well you just weren't going to get a girl!
I always liked the "surprise ending" on "Guitar Man".

GEWELS said...

Goofball- I meant was MY date with you back in high school? But I don't remember a Lisa being there.

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