Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Thoughts, continued from "knock-knees"

Tommy thought:
“Why the fuck is it so hard to be Okay?”

I wonder this sometimes, like when the laundry is piled up and I am tempted to wear yesterdays socks…OK….whenever I find myself wearing yesterdays socks.
Or when I start the dishwasher and even though its full, there is still another half load of dishes in the sink.
I live by myself...do you know how many days you have to avoid doing dishes to create that scenario?
Or when I can’t find my shoes and look all over the place and finally find the lost one behind the couch.
Who kicks a shoe off to have it land behind the couch?
Or when I look for my keys in all the usual places only to discover that…there are no “Usual “ places. They could be anywhere.
Or when I wake up in the morning and there is nothing for breakfast, even though there is money for groceries, and I have to stop somewhere on my bicycle, which I didn't want to ride, but I have no car and no choice, and wind up eating a $7 breakfast when a bowl of cereal would have sufficed.

And these are just little things…

I’ve spent most of the last 15 years using a couch as a bed. This is a bigger thing thqn you might imagine, you who have slept in a bed for most of your sleeping life. Last year, about the time I had begun to sleep in my bed, I gave it away.
I think part of the reason I gave it away is a fear of doing things that make me seem OK.
Sleeping on a couch full time is not OK. So, in the interest of being OK, I bought a new bed 6 weeks ago. I noticed right away that having bought that bed, suddenly laundry was getting done more regular, that I was doing half loads of dishes, and that my keys, even though I still couldn’t find them, my keys were on the Key Hook!
What a concept…
But you know what?
Its hard to stay OK for long, and over the period of a few weeks, my laundry is starting to suffer, and last night I did a load of dishes, but a load didn’t get them all, and right now I am wearing yesterdays socks and can’t find my keys anywhere.

But that’s OK man.
I was OK for a while and even if I’m not OK right now…..
I’m still a bed ahead!

I have spent 3 of the last 4 years without a car. I'm not sure how I've done it but I have, and while it helped to make me OK for a while, it is now a part of me being "Not OK"
But Thursday, I am buying a truck.
And I''ll bet that truck will be like that bed, and I'll be a little more OK for a while because of it, but then at some point I will be less OK in spite of it, but thats OK....
I'll still be a Truck ahead!

I'll be a bed and a Truck ahead!


SkippyMom said...

Trucks have beds too ;) - I think this is a subconcious obsession with beds.

kidding, kidding....

cornbread hell said...

note to self: buy bed, buy truck, wash hands...and i will be ok.

GEWELS said...

Bulletholes- even when you're not "OK" you're OK in my book.

Very insightful SkippyMom

bulletholes said...

Skippy- I got new sheets too!
Cornbread- Everything else is gravy.
Gewels- On a scale of -5 to +5 I am a zero. A zero, lookin' for a pillow!

cornbread hell said...

it's not really all that funny how much we have in common.

Barbara said...

OK is a relative term with a lot of leeway. You're really OK. You're just testing the limits, something you seem to have been doing all your life. But no harm done. Just buy an extra box of Cheerios and put it behind the couch for when you run out of things to eat for breakfast. :)

Water Baby said...

I didn't know you had a bed! That's awesome daddy, I'm so proud of everything that you have gone through over the last few years. I know I haven't made it that much easier on you and I'm sorry for that, I know there is more I could have done to help. What color is your truck?

Annie said...

Keep on keepin' on, Bulletholes!

bulletholes said...

corngrea, I'm sure you are correct, and you are OK in my book.

Barb, you are wild!

Water baby! You know you tricked me out of my bed!

Hi Annie! You gave me a good link to get my bedspread repaired, though i have not done it yet...I'm not that OK.

Martijn said...

Inspirational and touching story. You sound like a bit of a slob... that's okay though for I'm a slob too. I usually do the dishes when I'm out of plates and forks. Let's call it the 'artistic temporament' in us, that sounds better. Yep, I am too living alone. For your comfort: loosing a shoe is not the end of the world. Some day last week I woke up in a right mess. Couldn't find my glasses. And I had a bumb on my forhead from unknown causes. Took me half an hour to find my glasses. Let's all stive for being OK for a day. Greetings to you Bulletholes and everyone.


Martijn said...

I don't know what is wrong with my typing lately: so many mistakes! 'Temperament' sounds even better. And I meant 'some days ago' OR 'last week', I didn't want to give the impression that these shenanigans happen often at my place. I need a vacation I think... and I'm going on one soon. Greetings again.

TIM BURNS said...


I've been reading you for quite some time but never commented on a blog. You've made me laugh, think & maybe even shed a tear or two. A quick story...

I've slept on the couch for about 4 years. I own a very nice 4-poster bed with a barely slept-on mattress/box springs and 1000 thread-count sheets on it. But after the She-Devil moved out, I tried sleeping in it and it's just too big. In a lot of ways...

I use one coffee cup, one iced tea glass and one wine glass. I've got an old truck that's paid for, and sometimes you have to beat on the starter to get her to crank. And you want to know something? We're OK...

bulletholes said...

Hey Tim!
its always pretty cool when someone says they neer left a comment and finally decided to. I just left your site and from your post and your comment I find a lot of inspiration.
Thanks for stoppin' by!