BLUEBIRD

FOUND AT 'NITA'S TEMPORARY BLOG...check out her craft stuff as well. She's a pro.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact

charles bukowski...
who else could it be?

TACKY, TACKY, TACKY!

I went to see Lyle Lovett at the Bass Hall in Fort Worth last night. Lovett was great; such a wonderful voice, great delivery of well composed music and lyric. His band was well rehearsed and quite polished. Almost too polished. There was nothing raw about the show, and I do like it a little raw.

Anyway, I want to write a little bit about the Bass Hall, Fort Worth's multi Million dollar centerpiece for the Performing Arts. I have to tell you, the seats we sat in may as well ave come out of an old Braniff jet. They were small and cramped and amounted to little torture machines.
And I won't win any freinds here in Cowtown by saying that the fancy-ass facade of the Bass Hall is overdone and gawdy. If those angels blowing the Lord's trump were carved from marble I'm sure it would take my breath away; but its not.
Its Fabcrete.
But hey! what do I know?
What do you think?

THE GENERAL JOKE

"There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke, though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns, and more than suspects that the joke is at nobody’s expense but his own. However, nothing dispirits, and nothing seems worth while disputing. He bolts down all events, all creeds, and beliefs, and persuasions, all hard things visible and invisible, never mind how knobby; as an ostrich of potent digestion gobbles down bullets and gun flints. And as for small difficulties and worryings, prospects of sudden disaster, peril of life and limb; all these, and death itself, seem to him only sly, good-natured hits, and jolly punches in the side bestowed by the unseen and unaccountable old joker. That odd sort of wayward mood I am speaking of, comes over a man only in some time of extreme tribulation; it comes in the very midst of his earnestness, so that what just before might have seemed to him a thing most momentous, now seems but a part of the general joke."
Herman Melville, Moby Dick

Christmas must surely be part of the general joke.
It is for me.

TESTOSTERONE

I flunked my Testosterone test again!
I have been taking Testosterone for 6 months now, and I'm still low.
The doctor doubled my dosage.
And I found out how much Testosterone costs before insurance.
Two-Hundred and Fifty dollars!
Thats ridiculous. They make that stuff from frogs or something. You can't tell me it takes 250 worth of frogs to make that stuff for me.
I'm just one guy!
I wonder if I can make my own?

NOTHING AS UNWAVERING AS A WOMAN...

My friend SL at Assiorted is in town this week and she is taking me to see Lyle Lovett at the Bass Hall!
He's a little on the homely side, but a damn fine musician and man! What a voice! He was married to Julia Roberts for a while. He must have had something. Or at least had a little "sumpthin'-sumpthin'".
Here is one of my favorite songs by Lyle. Check out the fretless bass.





She said something about going home
She said something about needing to spend some time alone
And she wondered out loud what it was she had to find
But she's already made up her mind

All my friends told me she was too young
Well I knew that myself and I tried to run
But the faster I ran the more I fell behind
Because she'd already made up her mind

Now there is nothing so deep as the ocean
And there is nothing so high as the sky
And there is nothing so unwavering as a woman
When she's already made up her mind

So now she's sitting at one end of the kitchen table
And she is staring without an expression
And she is talking to me without moving her eyes
Because she's already made up her mind

And she said something about going home
And she said something about needing to spend some time alone
And she wondered out loud what it was she had to find
But she'd already made up her mind

So my friend carry me down to the water's edge
And then sail with me out to that ocean deep
And let me go easy down over the side
And remember me to her

She's already made up her mind
She's already made up her mind
She's already made up her mind

PINE AWAY FOR YOU

My sponsor asks:
“So, are you still seeing that married lady?”
“Yes, but we kinda broke up a few weeks ago.”
“What do you mean "kinda"?”
“Well I told her that we needed to take the sex out of the equation for a while, that we should go back to being just friends until she figures out what to do about her husband or I stop pouting and being a grouch.  I had started being grouchy because the relationship wasn't what I wanted it to be.”
“You know she will just find someone to replace you, right?”
“I really don’t know what she is going to do."
"Well, thats what she'll do. Thats what they all do." he tells me.
"We still talk about every day. And I'm not so grouchy lately.” I say.




This isn’t good enough for my sponsor.
So he tells me that right after the first time I talked to him about my married girlfriend, that he went and got involved with a married lady. And when he told her she needed to leave her husband or lose him forever, she went and just found herself a replacement for him.

“Of course she did” I tell him.
“What do you mean?” he asks.
“Well, why wouldn’t she find one?” I say.
“Because she’s supposed to love me.” He says.
“Yeah, but it was you that put her to the test. What’s she supposed to do? Pine away for you?”
“There’s something wrong with you!” he says.
"Its not me issuing ultimatums and asking women to leave their husbands"

It reminds me of the first time with my gal, as we slow danced after making love, half-dressed, in my living room.
She began to sob, just a little, and so I asked her what’s wrong.
‘You’ll never be able to trust me…” she says.
I understand what she means. If she will cheat on her husband, she will cheat on me, yes? That’s the idea, right?
So I pull her close and whisper;
‘That’s OK, baby. Do you think you can trust me? My record ain’t that great, you know.”
And we both laugh.

And this reminds me of Deb, a waitress I knew at Luminaris when I was 18.  She was older by a few years, one of the Junior Love Goddesses where I worked, and divorced. I’d never really flirted with a divorcee’ before. I remember telling her that I could never date a divorcee’. That I would always wonder if she wasn’t secretly still in love with her Ex.
I remember Deb laughed, and laughed and laughed. "You are such a babe" she said, and patted the seat of the couch, where she wanted me to sit. And soon I got over that idea, after she showed me what it was all about.
I was so young.

Anyway, this is written for men and women that think they own other men and women.
And for folks that think they have Karma all figured out.

"WE ADMITTED WE WERE POWERLESS"

Oh gosh yes, its been such a year, and its been real fun on this blog again.
I don't get around as much as I used to, visiting my blog friends. I'm kinda self centered these days maybe, but its good to have posted as much as I have the last 8 months. If I can keep it up through the end of the month I will have equaled my best blog year, 2009, where I did 230 posts.
Thats kind of amazing since the first 3 months this year I only did a dozen or so.
Back there in 2008/2009 when I first got clean I had that great run of 320 posts  in 340 days.

It feels real good to have 1,273 days clean and sober. I don't talk about it to you guys as much anymore, but I continue to go to 3 or 4 meetings a week. I work the first 3 steps all the time. I live the program and keep the 10th step in mind always.

A friend called me a few weeks back. She wanted to go to a meeting. It was a friend that I would not have expected to be calling me for something like that. It was hard for her to do I'm sure, and last night she picked up a 30 days clean and sober chip.
I'm still humbled byn the fact that someone can come in and sit down and listen and talk and find out the message of Narcotics Anonymous...
"Any addict can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live"

GOD SAYS YES...

"I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes"

God Says Yes To Me

by Kaylin Haught

CARNIVAL OF SOULS

"It's funny... the world is so different in the daylight. In the dark, your fantasies get so out of hand. But in the daylight everything falls back into place again."

Carnival of Souls

I used to try to stay up when I was a little boy to see this "B" film, but it always came on after midnite, on "Nightmare Theatre". The title, 'Carnial of Souls", really had its hooks in me.
But I always fell asleep. I was too little to stay up that late.
It comes on tonight, an hour past midnite on KERA Public Television Channel 13.
 I will try to stay up to see this movie, but I doubt I will be able to.

I'm too old to stay up that late.

SUIT UP AND SHOW UP

"The truth is tiny compared to the things you will have to do."
Leonard Cohen, from "The Energy of Slaves"

My good friend SL, over at Assorted credited Bulletholes with this, but thats not entirely correct. I posted it it to my Facebook last year. Still, its one of my better efforts, and ought to be posted here just the same.
And thanks to my old lover Billie, who turned me on to  "The Energy of sSlaves" so many years ago.
She said it was written against, as Cohen said, "men and women who own men and women"...

"To the men and women
who own men and women
those of us meant to be lovers
we will not pardon you
for wasting our bodies and time"

Catching Up with an Old Friend

Part 2

He says:
“Have you found a girlfriend yet, Bulletholes?”
“Yeah, kind of. A few months back. I’m in love. She’s sexy and pretty, and we dance and spend every minute we can together, and she thinks I’m so smart. But right now we are kind of broke up a little.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I told her we had to stop having sex for a while, that our arrangements really weren't quite working for me, and that we would just be friends for a while. Just lovers...without all the lovin'.”
“Really?” one eyebrow raised “Where is she tonight?”
“Oh, she’s home with her husband”
“Really?” Both eyebrows raised now “She’s married?”
“Yep!”
“Well, buddy, there is some serious Karma that comes with something like that.”
“What do you mean? I’ve done the right thing here.”
We both laugh.


I don’t think Karma always works the way we might expect it to.
And ya like who ya like.

MY SPONSOR

Part 1

“So how are you doing these days, Bulletholes?”
“Great! I’m completely in love with this great girl. She is cute and funny and just like perfect for me. There’s just one problem…”
“Uh-oh….she must be married”
“Yeah”
“There are some negative spiritual consequences to this kind of relationship.”
“Yeah, I’m sure there are, but you know what? There are some negative spiritual consequences to being by myself for 15 years too.”


Ya know, you like who you like.

DIRTY WHITE NOISE

She had a do not disturb sign hanging off her back
She looked taller than she was in her tapered slacks
Calculated head of hair and cowboy boots
She said, I'm a country girl from down on 8th avenue

She bought a bottle of wine
Two bananas and a New York Times
The man behind the counter smiled this time
Cant blame him boys
I heard him sigh above the dirty white noise

I saw a poodle in a parking lot look just like you
He was sitting in a pink Cadillac with a view
Waiting for his mistress with a beret on his head
I wanted to laugh but it wasnt funny yet

It was a quarter to nine
He was running on Las Vegas time
Show's about to start so stand in line
Can't blame him boys
I heard him sigh above the dirty white noise

Three women in the front seat of a 60's Chevrolet
Fins and wings and rattle of tailpipe
Driving down a New York City street like it was day
But it was 2 AM and they were stuck at a red light

Somebody yelled from behind
Thought the three looked like a valentine
But the bumper sticker read Treat Her Right
Can't blame 'em boys
I heard 'em sigh above the dirty white noise

He was watching the TV like it was really gonna talk
Watching it close like it was really gonna walk
Some woman on the screen was getting killed again
It was a rerun of the rerun where they all die in the end

I don't know why
He was a big fan of the violent crime
Remote control was hidden in his eyes
Can't blame him boys
I heard him sigh above the dirty white noise

We were sitting in a cafe designed by Paul Klee
I asked myself, is this real or a toupee
Everybody was so young they still smoked cigarettes
I guess the collective unconscious hasn't woken up yet

It was a quarter to nine
We were running on Las Vegas time
Show's about to start so stand in line
Can't blame us boys
We all sigh above the dirty white noise
Patty Larkin - Do Not Disturb
I've written about Patti before. Good to see there are finally a few good vids of her stuff.






image lifted from Red Dirt girl...thanks Red

"THE BUDDISTS ARE RIGHT..."

"...reality is illusion.  But it never looks that way."
UF Mike

image by MC Escher, captured over at Crashingly Beautiful

FORTUNATE SON

I must have been spoiled. I never really lacked for anything, but something has been gnawing at me for a few months now. It is this:
There are things in my life I use every day that I have never had to purchase. Not my whole life. Not a single one, ever. It just seemed like these items just "came" with life, no purchase required.

The first of these I noticed a while back. 
Tupperware.
I have three cabinets full of Tupperware. I have bowls, square dishes, pie holders, and individual triangle-shaped pie holders. I have a Cake Holder, and a compartmentalized condiment piece. I have Tupperware for juices, lettuce, butter and jam; I have Tupperware for steaming and straining. I must have a million dollars worth of Tupperware, the nicest most complete set in the world, but here's the thing:
I have never bought a single stick of Tupperware.

When I was in the process of moving in with Buckshot, all my towels were in storage. As I was driving to his house with my suitcase of clothes and toiletries I thought. "Bulletholes, you don't have a towel. You can't just show up at this guys house without a towel. He may not have towels for you".
So I stopped and I bought a towel. It was the first one I ever bought.
And to think I have a Kings Ransom of towels in storage! Where do all these towels come from, and who buys them? Funny thing is, as I was unpacking, Buckshot came and showed me my bathroom, and opened a cabinet and said "Here are your towels". My towels?
See, life just comes with towels!
And what towels they were! Big thirsty looking towels, the kind Doris Day might use.
I didn't bother to show him my pitiful little towel.

Then as I lay my head down last night on Buckshots set of down pillows, and I was just about to fall asleep, I woke with a start. Pillows! Here I am falling asleep on a set of $100 pillows, with at least a half dozen pillows in my storage unit, yet I have never bought a pillow!
Life just comes with pillows!

Life also seems to just come with hairbrushes, toothpicks, scissors; it comes with forks, spoons and knives; and depending on what I get for Christmas this year, it comes with underwear as well.

JUST LIKE A WOMAN

"And when we meet again
introduced as friends
Please don't let on
that you knew me when
I was hungry,
and it was your world"

thanks Red Dirt Girl for the image

ON THE BORDERLAND

I guess the best thing about not really having anything original to write is that it forces me to go looking for something original to read. Here is a marvelous little story I found today at a site I had not been to...
Its about grandpa and peanuts butter cups and family...its a nice read.
CLICK HERE

MORE BONES

"At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time."
— Frederick Nietzsche

BAG OF BONES

"This is how we go on: one day a time, one meal at a time, one pain at a time, one breath at a time. Dentists go on one root canal at a time; boat builders go on one hull at a time. If you write books, you go on one page at a time. We turn from all we know and all we fear. We study catalogues, watch football games, choose Sprint over AT&T. We count the birds in the sky and will not turn from the window when we hear the footsteps behind as something comes up the hall; we say yes, I agree that clouds often look like other things - fish and unicorns and men on horseback - but they are really only clouds. Even when the lightning flashes inside them we say they are only clouds and turn our attention to the next meal, the next pain, the next breath, the next page. This is how we go on."
STEPHEN KING, FROM "BAG OF BONES"

I've kept this quote in the back of my mind for a long time, not remembering where it came from.
Found it today.
Thanks Assorted and Red Dirt Girl.

CONSOLATION

""Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand."
C.S. Lewis

If you are wondering, its a quote from a book he wrote after his wife died in 1960 called "A Grief Observed". It was so  personal and close to heart that he published it under a pseudonym. Friends  recommended the book to him to help with his grief, unaware that he'd written it.
His authorship wasn't made known until after his death in 1963.


Very interesting, yes?

As I sat in one of my NA meetings last night, it occurred to me that maybe gods will is
less about alllowing us consolation and getting a new car, and more about us finding an acceptance of the consequences of our actions and being happy to walk to work.