S'POSED TO KNOW BETTER

When I was about 9 years old I would sneak up to dads room. I’d open the top drawer of his bureau, move aside the three stacks of handkerchief's, and pull out his .22 caliber revolver with the 9” barrel. I’d feel the heft of it in my hand, aim it at the window, feel the resistance on the trigger. 

One day while doing all that I accidentally discharged the gun. Right onto the wall behind the bureau. 

WHOOOPS! 

It didn’t leave a real big hole in the wall, less than the size of a dime. It took a week or two for dad to notice it. 

Dad had taught me about guns. It wasn’t the first time I’d fired it. It was the first time I fired it unsupervised though. I knew better than to do what I’d done. But lifes lessons with me are usually hard learned. Dad didn’t whip me. He didn’t even move the gun. But he took the bullets out. From time to time Dad would get a far away look on his face and tell me how sometimes he would wake up in a cold sweat thinking about me and that gun.

I think about that gun every now and then, especially when I’m tempted to do something that I know better than to do. 

It was weird last night. I was shifting from one dream to another. In a moment of lucidity I thought about that gun.
And I did something I’d never done before. 

Quite on purpose, I dreamed of the house in Detroit with the bureau and the gun. I walked up the stairs. There was the weird purple wallpaper. Take a right at the top of the stairs, and into the master bath, with the tile, glass and mirrors. Then into mom and dads room, with the big wall of windows looking into the backyard, and the fireplace at the end of the room. Turn right, and there is the bureau. 

I’m nine years old again, and have to look on tippy-toes into the top drawer. 

I move the handkerchief’s. 

There it is. Dad’s old revolver. 

I pull it out and wonder what would happen if I put it to my head and pull the trigger. 

Its just a dream, right? 

Or would the whole world change- now-then-everything in between- with me not in it? 

I looked at the gun. Felt its heft. Aimed it at the window, felt the resistance on the trigger. 

I put it back in the drawer. 

Better not risk it. 

Better not risk changing the whole world. 

Besides, I’m supposed to know better, even if knowing better hasn’t always stopped me.