"WE KNOW A THING OR TWO BECAUSE WE'VE SEEN A THING OR TWO"

Here where I work they are instituting a safety program that is out of this world. They have taken away my pointy scissors and replaced my utility knives with the kind with retractable blades. I have to wear gloves if I use anything that cuts, including the round nosed scissors. 

I asked if I had to have a glove for the hand that holds the knife. They said “Which hand will touch the blade?” 

I said “Neither”.  Duh.

Do they not know I spent 6 hours a day for 25 years with knives of all sorts-- shave the hair off your arms sharp-- in my hands? Have they nothing better to do than bother people like me?

I'm trying to be compliant. I've come a long ways.
Four years ago, before the big saftety push, my micromanaging little boss came to me and said "I'd like you to get some steel-toed shoes. Bring me the receipt and we will reimburse you."

How did I react? By pointing out that was the dumbest thing I ever heard. That’s just how I rolled I guess, turning down free shoes.

But he won...I went to Red Wing, full of resentment, and bought a two hundred fifty five dollar pair of steel toes.

Tossed the receipt on his desk like it was an old lunch sack from Jack In The Box.

Ended up I LIKE those shoes. I wear them all the time, all five pounds each of them.  I've never had any two hundred fifty dollar a pair shoes before.

And I resolved to try to be more compliant, more open minded, and less of a hammerhead to my boss.

So when the new boss came to me 3 months ago and said I needed to go get safety glasses, on the company dime, I tried being more compliant.

I tried surrender.

I said "OK".

He looked so relived.

Then you know what I said?

"Boss, I've had these shoes for almost five years. Do you think I can get a new pair?"

So now I have safety glasses, a new pair of shoes, and safety scissors.
Whats next? A rubber knife?