THE LAND YACHT

I had a 72 Olds 98 Regency. Drove it without brakes for a while. Finally one morning at Precinct Line and Trinity there was a red light I wasnt going to make. I had a chioice between running it into traffic at the light, into the creek on the side of the road, or into the light pole. I picked the light pole. It was a pretty good choice I guess, ecxcept the light opole came down on top of the car, and the traffic light, which was strung across the intersection, it crashed down in the middle of the intersection. Luckily it didnt land on anyone.
The whole scene seemed a bit comical to me, what with the light in the intersection, and the pole on my car, and I was laughing a little when I got out and leaned against the car.
Thats when I noticed all the electrical wires, which sobered me up pretty quick.

THE BACHELORETTE

Would you believe I watched the Bachelor last night? There was some girl who had done something wrong the night before., I don't know what she did, but all the other girls were on her ass.
They were mean to her.
"You dont deserve him" they said. "You need to grow up" they screamed. One of them asked her straight up, and not too kindly "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?"
I dont know what she had done. Maybe strip mining the Grand Canyon, pouring hot tea on the Greenland Ice Cap, or maybe she is a Trump supporter. I dont know, they never did say, but it got to be the end of the show and time to give out the roses.
Do you think she got a rose?
Yes, she did! He forgave her, whatever it was.
She was SO afraid he was going to ditch her.
You should have seen how relieved she was!
I cant wait for next week.
I cried like a baby.

BUTTERBALLS IN THE NIGHT

Handyman Steve's Official Thanksgiving Tips Hotline is officially open. A retrospective.

 

Our most frequently asked question?
How to thaw the turkey we just bought today.
Well, the best way is to set your dishwasher to Energy Save, put the turkey in upside down, turn the dishwasher on, fix yourself a dirty martini and put on some Frank Sinatra. The turkey should be thawed after 7 cycles. "Frankly Sentimental" from 1946, "Songs For Swingin' Lovers" his 1956 release, and "September of My Years" from 1966 all add up to about 7 cycles.
The question has been posed as to whether you need to take the dirty dishes out first.
Of course not.
Like the old chef said "Its all going the same place".
It also works better than the old toilet trick for cleaning a cat.



Disclaimer~ If anyone tries this, let me know how it comes out. I haven't actually, you know, done it.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT

"It's come to this: I'm sitting under a tree,
beside a river
on a sunny morning.
It's an insignificant event
and won't go down in history.
Above me a white butterfly is fluttering through the air
on wings that are its alone
and a shadow skims through my hands
that is none other, no one else's, but its own.
I'm no longer sure
that what's important
is more important than what's not."
- Wislawa Szymborska
Translated from the Polish

Gathered @ Alive On All Channels
http://allchannels.blogspot.com/

THE LADIES OF THE HELL'S ANGELS

She may have a broken nose but her hair is gonna look great
Image~ Bill Ray, life magazine photographer, RIP.
https://www.theguardian.com/…/life-magazine-photographer-bi…

MAKING MONEY WITH ALI

From an interview with the photographer who took the iconic pics of the Beatles with Cassius Clay before his big fight with Liston in 1964. He said:
“ They had been taken to Sonny Liston for a photo op. He had taken one look at them and said “I’m not posing with those sissies.” Desperately, they brought the group over to Cassius Clay—to at least get a shot with him. They’re being pushed up the stairs, I’m a little ahead of them. When we get to the top of the stairs, Clay’s not there. The leader of the group says, “Let’s get the fuck out of here. “ He turned around, but the cops pushed all five of us into a dressing room and locked the door. That’s how I became the fifth Beatle.
They were cursing. They were angry. They were absolutely furious. I introduced myself. John said, “Hi, I’m Ringo.” Ringo said, “Hi, I’m George.” I asked how they thought the fight was going to go. “Oh, he’s going to kill the little wanker,” they said. Then they were cursing, stamping their feet, banging on the door. Suddenly the door bursts open and there is the most beautiful creature any of us had ever seen. Muhammad Ali. Cassius Clay. He glowed. And of course he was much larger than he seemed in photographs—because he was perfect. He leaned in, looked at them and said, “C’mon, let’s go make some money.”
And then—if I hadn’t known better I would have sworn it was choreographed—he turned and the Beatles followed him out to the ring. They followed him out to the ring and they began capering around the room. They lined up. He tapped Ringo. They all went down like dominoes. It was a marvelous, antic set piece. And then it was over and they left. Cassius Clay works out. At the end he’s back in the dressing room being rubbed down after the workout. He and I had yet to meet. He beckoned me over because he had seen me in the dressing room, and he said, “So, who were those little sissies?”

HONESTY

"The President is merely the most important among a large number of public servants. He should be supported or opposed exactly to the degree which is warranted by his good conduct or bad conduct, his efficiency or inefficiency in rendering loyal, able, and disinterested service to the Nation as a whole. Therefore it is absolutely necessary that there should be full liberty to tell the truth about his acts, and this means that it is exactly necessary to blame him when he does wrong as to praise him when he does right. Any other attitude in an American citizen is both base and servile. To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. Nothing but the truth should be spoken about him or any one else. But it is even more important to tell the truth, pleasant or unpleasant, about him than about any one else."

Theodore Roosevelt, Kansas City Star, May 7, 1918

If you want to be honest you have to give Trump credit for a great economy. You would think after so many years of growth we would have seen a downturn. But we have not. I remember when he got elected and a lot of liberal folks talked about how terrible it would be for the economy, and the impending crash of the stock market. None of that has happened. We are still adding jobs at almost the same rate as the Obama recovery years.

Not that I care much for Mr. Trump.

On the other side of the coin is a friend of mine who asks "What Obama recovery?"
If he is asking that question, he is not being very honest himself.

I saw a clip a while back, some guy in Indiana. He says "Unemployment was 18% when Obama was president. Trump has it down to 3.9%."
What he failed to note was that it was down to 4.8 when Obama left office. He's not being very honest either. There is a lot of that going around.

https://www.facebook.com/deaniemberry/posts/2958201314190073?comment_id=2960057890671082&notif_id=1579110655075339&notif_t=feed_comment_reply

GETTING TO WOODSTOCK

I wasn’t there for those three days.

I didn’t even want to be.
Twelve years old with a crew cut
I sported a George Wallace sticker on my notebook
That said “Law and Order”.

It was a year or two later,
Sometime after Kent State
But just before Watergate, 

My hair was growing longer 

And secretly I wanted to be a hippy, 

A child of God, 

Walking along the road 

And join in a rock and roll band. 

I wanted to be a hippy 

But my parents wouldn’t let me.

Then I had a car and a girl 

With ice cream lipstick that 

Danced like you wouldnt believe 

And I found out I didn't need their permission
I’m not too young to protest anymore
And I don’t need a passport
To get to the big show.

They say the traffic was backed down Route 17
And the New York thruway was closed.
Closed.
Half a million strong.
Isn’t that far out?
Who would expect anything less from Woodstock.

steve, 8/2016


With a tip o' the hat to Beth

A PROUST QUESTIONAIRE

A NEW YEARS DAY INTROSPECTIVE. TRY IT YOURSELF!

1. What is your current state of mind? Blissful. I have some good old fashioned peas and collards cooking, and Chocolate Double Decker Moon Pies awaiting their fate.

2. What is your favorite journey? Minimum 5 days of camping and fishing at Toledo Bend Lake.

3. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Dancing in the kitchen with a pot on the stove and a little something in the oven.

4. What is your greatest fear? Being more than 5 feet off the ground. Make that 3 feet. NO GARAGE PARKING ANY HIGHER THAN THE SECOND LEVEL UNLESS WE ARE RIGHT NEXT TO THE ELEVATOR

5. What is your most marked characteristic? Loud and friendly. Some might say obnoxious. Whatever.

6. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? This pesky need to be right all the time.

7. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Dishonesty and closed-mindedness

8. What is your greatest extravagance? Brie Cheese en Croute.

9. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Patriotism, especially when worn like some kind of codpiece... “the last refuge of the scoundrel and in some cases, the first.”

10. On what occasion do you lie? When it might cause a great harm or injury to others to tell the truth. Sometimes in order to protect someones dignity. A horrible lie is one I tell to protect my own dignity .

11. Dislike most about your appearance? I’m an apple, like my dad. Big pot belly. Totally distracts from my great legs. Also, puffy eyes all the time.

12. Which living person do you most despise? It’s a tie between Bill Maher and Donald Trump, and Will Farrell is on my do not watch list.

13. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? Got to stop calling everybody baby. Who do I think I am? Kojak? It used to be worse. When I first got married I started calling EVERYONE “Honey”.

14. What is your greatest regret? When mom was alive she would ask me when Shila and I were going to have kids. It embarrassed me to have her ask me that. I’d turn 3 shades of red. Then she would hold her arms like she was rocking a baby and say
“Stevie, you must hurry. It will be so terrible if I don’t get to hold it.”
I missed by about 18 months. Huge regret.

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? My daughter and son. Thank God for the Twelve Steps and my friends in the Fellowship.

16. When and where were you happiest? I’ve always been pretty happy. Hallloween when I was 4, 8th Grade Rocket Club and MYF, the blonde haired girl with the ice cream lipstick at 17, learning to be a chef, those first years of being married were very good…but not much compares to that first year of being clean and sober after 25 years of substance abuse.

17. Which talent would you most like to have? My stock answer is being able to light my thumb.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I would have liked to have been more responsible. With EVERYTHING.

19. If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be? Tough one. Maybe that I had been born to younger parents. Mine were pretty old when I came along. They were strict, sure, but it also follows that most of both sides of the family were gone way too soon. Before I knew what it meant to have them.

20. What do you consider your greatest achievement? I bought a Toyota van brand new in 1984 and drove it for 350,000 miles. And my Clean Date…8/18/2008..

21. What is your most treasured possession? An old barometer my dad would check just about daily. There was always increased attention paid to the barometer just before a fishing trip.

22. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? When the loneliness wont leave you alone.

23. Where would you like to live? Someplace that felt like home. East Texas Piney Woods. Lakeside.

24. What is your favorite occupation? Definitely being a chef was the greatest occupation ever.

25. What is the quality you most like in a man? The ability to stay good natured during times of stress.

26. What is the quality you most like in a woman? Kindness. Not an obliging nature, but true kindness. I’m a sucker for a warm heart.

27. What do you most value in your friends? A sense of humor. They going to need it.

28. Who are your favorite writers? George Will and Garrison Keillor.

29. Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Michael Valentine Smith

30. What is it that you most dislike? Being misunderstood, snubbed, or disregarded.

31. Who are your heroes in real life? My brother, a West Point grad, his son Dave, who ran ultra marathons while fighting stage 4 cancer, and my ex wife.

32. How would you like to die? I’d like to go relatively fast. Car crash, drowning accident, electrocuted while saving a cat from a tree. Don’t make me get sick and have some long protracted demise.

33. If you were to die and come back, what do you think it would be? I would like to come back as some kind of large kitchen appliance. A six burner range, black and chrome, made by Wolf would be pretty cool. See image below.

34. What is your motto? "If you think you are not part of the problem, you are part of the problem."
I have lots of mottos.

35. Bonus Question: How did you find my blog? I’m betting it was through Elizabeth at Alive on All Channels or Luke at Crashingly Beautiful.

36. Bonus Question: Why do you keep coming back to this Blog? Oh, That’s the easiest question on here. LIVE AND LEARN is part of my daily meditation and posts every day.  His commenter's are lively and entertaining. If you want to know WHY he is part of my Daily Meditation, keep coming back.

EVERYBODY HAVE FUN TONIGHT

I found this pic a few months ago. I recognize that look on my face. Its the look that says I want everyone to have as good a time as I am having, and I don't care what I have to do to get that to happen.
Wanna get stupid? I'm your man.