QUESTIONS

I know, I've been getting a little heavier on occasion than any of us would like.
This was my assignment this week, to answer questions about my ability to control drugs.
Sometimes you start writing one thing and end up wth something else entirely by the end, and such was the case with this. In fact, it wasn't until the day after I wrote this that I really understood the way it ended, and what I had written.
I won't explain it any further, I'll let you decide.
My sponsor sure liked it.

Can I control the use of Drugs?
The only way that I can control the use of Drugs is by not using, and past performance shows that I will use again and again, and anything short of total abstinence is inadequate. Once I use a Drug, it will do exactly what it is designed to do, and moreover, it will affect me in ways I cannot control. I am likely to increase and continue my useage until my life again becomes so unmanageable, and my behavior so bad that once again, an outside influence (Jails, Institution Death) will have to step in. Drugs affect me in ways I cannot control.

We did not use drugs, drugs used us!
At first I did not quite get this one, but if you consider the countless hours spent chasing or waiting on drugs, the unsavory characters I befriended and placed my trust in to get drugs, and the places I went to placing my life and property in jeopardy I can say that indeed, drugs pushed me around. Drugs became the motivational factor in the better part of my life.
Truly, I handed my integrity over to Drugs, and did things that no one in their "right mind" would do.

The management of my life was interrupted several times by jails.
Even the times I was in jail for non-Drug charges, the charges were completely Drug related. It was the fact that drugs had made my life unmanageable that I was there for countless charges of Registration, Insurance, License and Vehicle Inspection charges. I would rather spend my money, resources and time on dope than to take care of my business.

I fully accept the fact that every attempt to stop using drugs failed.
If I had a dollar for every time I quit or said "this is the last time", I could buy a Marijuana Farm.
I stopped all right; long enough to justify using again; long enough to collect another paycheck so I could spend every last thin dime leftover (and more) on my next high; long enough to pay rent late.
I controlled my using so well I lost the trust of my wife, my inheritance, my home, my car, my friends. I was actually surprised and indignant when I lost my marriage, the respect of my kids and my will to do a days worth of work.
My sense of soul vanished like wood to smoke, beyond all repair, and as answer to what I had done to myself declared to all who would listen...
Man is not a Spiritual Being.



"The only way that I can control the use of Drugs is by not using..."
That is the first sentence I wrote, but by the end of this piece, I came to a conclusion that seemed to be a product of my subconscious and it rendered the first sentence moot.
That last sentence, in italics, just seemed to appear on the page and I didn't know what I had written until the next day. It leads directly to my next assignment, which I may post next week.