CREDIT SCORES

The call came during dinner.
“Mr. Bulletholes?”
“Speaking”
“Mr. Bulletholes, I represent Portfolio Whatever and I am calling about your Capital One Account. According to our records, you owe $1000 and I am willing to work with you to get that amount down.”
“Who are you ?” I say, and she repeats the whole thing.
“But I don’t have a Capital One Account” says I.
‘So you claim you have never had a Capital One Visa Card?” She asks.
“Not that I recall, but never is a long time. When is this from?”
“This is from 1998”
“Oh, my!’ I exclaim ”That was a long time ago. I have no recollection of that account”

And its true…I do not recall having a Credit Card in 1998. I remember having a Divorce, a Foreclosure and a Bankruptcy that year. Somehow the notion that some idiot would extend to me a credit card at that point in my life has slipped my mind.

I tell her this and then she makes the request she and I go round and round on for the next 20 minutes.
‘Mr. Bulletholes, if you will give me the last 4 digits of your Social Security Card, I can verify this is your account.”
“Ma’am, I will not give you any portion of my Social Security number”
She does not understand why, and the argument ensues. I won’t bore you with the details but after a bit I think I have found a solution.
‘Ma’am, why don’t you tell me what the last four digits of my number are, and I will verify for you!”
She says “It doesn’t work that way.” And we argue some more.
So I say ‘Why don’t you send me something in the mail that will let me know you are a legitimate business, and allow me to respond in that manner?”
Again ‘It doesn’t work that way”
So I say “Well, we aren’t getting anywhere here are we?” and we begin to argue about my Soc. Sec. # again.
Finally I sense her exasperation and she says “Mr Bulletholes, you obviously are not going to be responsible and take care of this bill so I am terminating this call. Goodbye!”
There is silence on the line, I do not hear her hang up. After a time I say “Are you still there?”
“Yes”
“Why don’t you hang up?”
‘I’m waiting for you”
Well, I’m waiting for you”
“No, you hang up”
” No, you”

Its like I’m in the 2nd Grade all over again and we argue about the Social Security # again. She doesn’t understand that I am unwilling to give it to her.
She says again she is going to hang up and I wait. I sense that she is upset, even desperate.
She doesn’t hang up. This is baffling me now so I do what I do so well and ask a real simple question in a very kind voice.
‘Ma’am, why don’t you just hang up? Really, I want to know.”
She is hesitant and seems to be fighting back tears
“Because ... I…can’t!”
‘You can’t?”
‘No sir, we are on Auto-Dial and YOU have to hang up. I can’t”

Well, that does it for me. I just crack up and she laughs too. But hers is not a real laugh, it’s a laugh designed to make me her friend.
I say:
“So I could just set this phone down here and go back to watching my Ken Burns Civil War Tape? Its 12 hours long you know. Fascinating stuff, I could even turn it up for you and we could listen together. Did you know there were more than 600,000 Americans die in that War? Or that 'Dixie " was written by a Yankee? I’m in the part about the Monitor and the Merrimac right now. The Monitor had 52 patenable inventions created during its constuction. Can you imagine?"

She’s being quiet, and not laughing so I try another angle. I lower my voice and say

‘You know baby, I hate thinking I have you over a barrel right now but I have another idea….you sound kinda good to me, if you know what I mean, and I don’t know where you live but if you are legit you probably have my address. Maybe we could find a way to work this out over a little Chinese takee-outee or something. What say, babe?”

Long pause, then...
"Are you done now ?’ she asks.
"Yes, that ought to do it” and I hung up.