THE CHAINS THAT YOU REFUSE

I’m surfing through the channels last night, nuthin’s on. On Channel 13 they are having their Beg-A-Thon, trying to raise money, and they always use the “Celtic Woman” program. I guess it a big draw. But I’ve been watching Celtic Woman for 20 years now, ever since the Riverdance craze. I’m about done with gorgeous Irish lasses singing beautiful weeping Irish ballads.

But while swinging through from channel to channel, here we have the lasses doing a new song.
"Bonny Portmore".
"Bonny Portmore" is an Irish traditional folk song which laments the demise of Ireland's old oak forests, specifically the Great Oak of Portmore. It’s a beautiful song, it really is, especially the Lorrena McKinnett version, so I listen and move on.

Still nothing on anywhere, and passing by Celtic Woman again and what’s this?
They are doing “Beeswing” by Richard Thompson, a very beautiful love song about a little slip of a gal that cannot be tamed.
So you know I have to listen to it. Its about time they updated their playlist. The four lasses are doing OK with it, and there is a guy playing the pipes. The chorus:

"She was a rare thing
Fine as a beeswing
So fine a breath of wind might blow her away
She was a lost child
She was running wild, she said
As long as there's no price on love, I'll stay
And you wouldn't want me any other way"

But here is the thing.
They didn’t do the last verse!
What the hell?
How can you not do the last verse?
They stopped at “like a fool I let her run with a ramblin' itch”.
No Gypsy caravan, no wolfhound, no hip pocket, no faded flower, no chains refused.
Is that horrible or what?

The missing lyrics:

"Last I hear she's sleeping out
Back on Derby beat
White Horse in her hip pocket
And a wolfhound at her feet
And they say she even married once
A man named Romany Brown
But even a Gypsy caravan
Was too much settling down
And they say her flower is faded now
Hard weather and hard booze
But maybe that's just the price you pay
For the chains you refuse"

ITS A WONDERFUL LIFE

Last night I turned the TV on and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was on. The old Claymation one with Burl Ives. If I had a dollar for every time I've seen this show starting when I was 6 years old I could buy the North Pole. It was the part where Rudolph meets the adorable pretty-eyed doe with the little red polka dot bow, who flutters her huge eyelashes and tells Rudolph she thinks he's cute, that got me all blubbery, and I cried and cried.


It was just so sweet, and even a funny looking red-nosed bashful reindeer with a nasally sinus voice like Rudolph deserves to have someone with huge eyelashes that thinks they are cute to flirt and prance and caper about with them.
Then Rudolph tries to join in the reindeer games, and his fake nose he tried to use to hide his own spectacular schnozola falls off, exposing the big glowing red one, and all the other little boy reindeer started to tease him about his nose, and I cried some more. Then the coach of the reindeer games, in a very Trump-like fashion, starts to bully Rudolph too, and declares Rudolph unfit to play in the reindeer games, and I cried and cried and cried. I was a sopping wet mess.
So I figured what the hell, we may as well get this over with and put on "Its A Wonderful Life" and cried pretty much from start to finish.
Because Hey, its Gosh Darn Christmas.
Mercury is in Retrograde.
Let it bleed.


Melville says everything flows to the sea.
I that is so, then everything flows FROM "Its A Wonderful Life ".
Its got everything. Hockey, High School hijinks, real estate, Uncle Billy, car crashes, bar fights, skinny dipping, foxy librarians, bank crashes, bells, wheelchairs, spiders, ice cream, drugs, war hero's, singing cops, cab drivers, Italian Americans, malfeasance, crows, angels, angel wings, and Fully Clothed Women.
And Zuzu's petals.

JUST KILL ME NOW

Phone rings. “Hello?”
“Mr Bulletholes, this is (garbled ) from Texas (garbled) and we have the results from your sleep study in. Can we schedule your follow up appointment?”
“Yes, please”
“Would you like morning or afternoon?”
“Either one. The sooner the better”
Long silence.
“How about 2:30 on January 21st?”
Long silence while Mr Bulletholes calculates that this is five weeks away, and does his best to keep from blowing his top.
Then, in his sweetest voice “Miss (garbled) do you know I started this process all the way back in July? I was really hoping in July to have this done before the end of the year.”
“I’m sorry Mr. Bulletholes.”
“Is there nothing you can do for me? I'm so tired of being tired”
“Well, let me see….” Long silence. “Did you say morning or afternoon, Mr Bulletholes?”
“Either one”
Long silence.
“How about this Friday at 11:00 am?”
“You are a miracle worker. Thank you.”

Amusing Ourselves to Death

 “What [George] Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What [Aldous] Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one. Orwell feared those who would deprive us of information. Huxley feared those who would give us so much that we would be reduced to passivity and egoism … In short, Orwell feared that what we hate will ruin us. Huxley feared that what we love will ruin us.”

— Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

FOR MR RITTENHOUSE

 

Great Movies From My Youth
James Stewart as Charlie Anderson, scouring with several sons and a daughter the Shenandoah Valley, looking for his youngest son, accidentally taken prisoner during the Civil War.

Charlie Anderson : [a young Confederate picket has just shot one of Anderson's sons] Dead. Dead! How old are you? How old?
Young Picket on Road : Sixteen.
Charlie Anderson : [In a rage, but restraining himself] "Six - Sixteen. I'm not gonna' kill you. I want you to live! I want you to live to be an old man. And I want you to have many... many, many children. And I want you to feel about your children then... the way I feel about mine now! And someday, when a man comes along and kills one of 'em, I want you to remember! I want you to remember."

To young Mr. Rittenhouse, I hope you will remember.

NEED TO KNOW

"I found out I was in love with you, winter before last," she said. "I wasn't going to say anything about it because - well, you know. If you felt anything like that for me, you'd have known I did. But it wasn't both of us. So there was no good in it. But then, when you told us you're leaving... At first I thought, all the more reason to say nothing. But then I thought, that wouldn't be fair. To me, partly. Love has a right to be spoken. And you have a right to know that somebody loves you. That somebody has loved you, could love you. We all need to know that. Maybe it's what we need most."

— A Fisherman of the Inland Sea, Ursula K. Le Guin
 

"YOU BEEN PUTTING IT UP YOUR WHOLE LIFE"

Last year about this time lots of folks were pointing out that the odds of contracting Covid were about 1 in 100.
The chances of dying from it were 1 in 10,000.
As of today (9/20/2021), 40 million Americans have contracted Covid (about 12%), and the death rate according to population is 20 for every 10,000.
The reasons are pretty clear; the highly contagious DELTA variant which took hold this year, the huge increase in cases among the younger population, and the reluctance of many to vaccinate.
It took 170 years after the smallpox vax to eradicate the disease. Lets hope it doesn’t take that long for Covid.
What do you stand to win?
Everything.

Anton Chigurh: What's the most you ever lost on a coin toss.
Gas Station Proprietor: Sir?
Anton Chigurh: The most. You ever lost. On a coin toss.
Gas Station Proprietor: I don't know. I couldn't say.
[Chigurh flips a quarter from the change on the counter and covers it with his hand]
Anton Chigurh: Call it.
Gas Station Proprietor: Call it?
Anton Chigurh: Yes.
Gas Station Proprietor: For what?
Anton Chigurh: Just call it.
Gas Station Proprietor: Well, we need to know what we're calling it for here.
Anton Chigurh: You need to call it. I can't call it for you. It wouldn't be fair.
Gas Station Proprietor: I didn't put nothin' up.
Anton Chigurh: Yes, you did. You've been putting it up your whole life you just didn't know it. You know what date is on this coin?
Gas Station Proprietor: No.
Anton Chigurh: 1958. It's been traveling twenty-two years to get here. And now it's here. And it's either heads or tails. And you have to say. Call it.
Gas Station Proprietor: Look, I need to know what I stand to win.
Anton Chigurh: Everything.
Gas Station Proprietor: How's that?
Anton Chigurh: You stand to win everything. Call it.
Gas Station Proprietor: Alright. Heads then.
[Chigurh removes his hand, revealing the coin is indeed heads]
Anton Chigurh: Well done.
[the gas station proprietor nervously takes the quarter with the small pile of change he's apparently won while Chigurh starts out]
Anton Chigurh: Don't put it in your pocket, sir. Don't put it in your pocket. It's your lucky quarter.
Gas Station Proprietor: Where do you want me to put it?
Anton Chigurh: Anywhere not in your pocket. Where it'll get mixed in with the others and become just a coin. Which it is.

REALITY

 “The thing under my bed waiting to grab my ankle isn't real. I know that, and I also know that if I'm careful to keep my foot under the covers, it will never be able to grab my ankle.”

Stephen King, Night Shift

BE LIKE ROD

 

Due to a worldwide 80% vaccination rate for smallpox back in the '60's, people don’t even need to get vaccinated anymore. Through a global effort, we wiped it out. The vaccine itself had a high rate of efficacy at 95%. You may have heard there has never been a vaccine that achieved 100%. They don’t have to. Mumps vax comes in at a measly 88%.
See Rod’s Smallpox scar? Thank you Rod.
Now go put on something decent.

I USED TO BE A RULEBREAKER

It has taken me 64 years to learn simply following the rules eliminates most of the problems in my life even if they don't make sense to me at the time.

BUT MADGE!

 

"You're soaking in it."
Waiting for the Ivermectin craze to blow over.

ANTI-VAXXERS

 

"Most importantly, we are marshaling America’s scientific genius to produce a vaccine in record time. Under Operation Warp Speed, we have three different vaccines in the final stage of trials right now, years ahead of what has been achieved before. Nobody thought it could be done this fast. Normally it would be years, and we did it in a matter of a few months. We are producing them in advance so that hundreds of millions of doses will be quickly available. We will have a safe and effective vaccine this year, and together we will crush the virus."

Donald Trump, RNC speech August 27, 2020.

Yes Donald, and 75% of your electorate will refuse to take the Trump vaccine. There will be a new spike and a new strain due to low vaccination rates that will affect a large number of children and completely stress the county's Health Care System.

It is not entirely your fault.

HOW HARD COULD IT BE?

I’ve been keeping a friends little puppy dog for about 6 weeks. Little Buster, ain’t he cute?
I called her a couple weeks ago.
“Buster needs a groomer. He’s getting a little stinky, and he pulled down my hot wax smell good thing, so he’s got a shiny blue waxy butt and matted hair”
“You can take him to PetSmart, they know him there” she says.
Well two weeks went by and I still hadn’t taken him. Then he and I were playing “Where's the Treat” a few nights ago.
That’s when I saw it. His little tear ducts were all matted up with eye boogers. I mean really bad. I felt horrible. I’d neglected poor Buster.
I called his owner but there was no answer.
I called my daughter, who knows all about these things.
“Dad, you can go online and make an appointment.”
I looked at Buster’s pitiful neglected eyes. The sooner the better.
I went online to make an appointment. But I didn’t really have access to Busters account, so I figured I’d make one of my own. How hard could it be? Its just a form you fill out. That’s what I do at work. I fill out forms. I’m pretty good too!

The form goes:
Dogs Name: Buster!
Weight: 10 lbs.
Color: Blonde
Breed: Lhaso Apso
Birthdate: 7/1/2021
An lastly a pic of Buster. I uploaded the one above and clicked CONTINUE.
(Big Beeping Sound and a warning message)
“Your dog is only 1 month old. We do not groom puppies this young”
Well, drats!
And good golly, there is not a way to edit or delete Buster, and those eye boogers are horrible so there is only one thing left to do.
Make another dog! How hard could it be?

I named this one “Mister Pete”, changed the birthdate by a year, uploaded that cute pic and clicked “CONTINUE”
(Big Beeping Sound and a warning message)
“This dog is already in the system”
Well, damn! I need a new pic for dog number three!

I named # 3 “Butterball”, uploaded the new pic and there was no warning buzzer. Success!
But now PetSmart wants me to upload Butterballs shot record, which I do not have and if I did the records would be for a dog named Buster.

And that is how I came have 3 dogs registered with PetSmart.

 

SEX SELLS....BEACH HANDBALL!

 

The European Handball Federation's disciplinary commission imposed a fine of 150 euros per player (around $175) on the 10-member Norwegian Women's squad. The squad traded the skimpy bikini for some nice athletic shorts. apparently this is against the rules. In a joint statement with the International Handball Federation, the officials said that "all efforts will be taken in order to further promote the sport. This includes the ideal presentation of the sport and, by that, includes the outfit of the players."
Shame on you International/European Handball Federation. Why not go all out and have them play topless? I'd wear that. As long as everyone in the stands is wearing that, incuding the members of the European Handball Federation.
You should see the Russian team. Who knew they even HAD beaches.

I BLESS THE RAINS DOWN IN AFRICA

 

What a great salt map Africa would make, with her 38 mountain ranges, Kilamanjaro, and the Rift valley.

Mrs Dahl, 5th grade teacher: "Bulletholes, have you been eating Isabel's salt map of the Pacific Ocean?"
Bulletholes: "No Ma'am"
Mrs Dahl: "Then why is your tongue so blue?"
Bulletholes: "Would you believe lack of oxygen"?

IF WE WERE IN PHILLY

 

I remember down in San Antonio, and Linda and I were trying to find a place to park in the endless caravan of cars creeping along the riverwalk. It went like this:
"There's a spot, Steve!"
"Its two lanes over"
"Well, get over there"
"I'll try..."
"Theres a spot!"
"I wont fit"
"Back up and try"
"There's a car right behind me"
"Oh, you missed it then"
"I tell you what, I'm going to take a right up here and see what happens"
I take the right.
"You should have gone left"
"OK hot rod, the next turn I'll ask what we should do"
We creep along in silence, her arms across her chest.
"OK Linda, right or left here?
You look both ways a couple times...
"Ummm...Ummm..." you say.
The guy behind me honks. I take the left.
"I was about to say right!"
"Too late now!"
Then you say "If we were in Philly and I was driving we'd be parked by now. This is nothing compared to Philly!"
And we both just cracked up!
Ended up finding a good spot.
Ya know, if we can get through that we could probably get through anything.

She is a very pretty girl. My god, she is timeless!

ANY LUCK?

 

Bloodrock is legendary around here. Famous for but one early 70's hit, DOA, about a fatal car crash Back when I was 16 I heard Bloodrock lived out at Eagle Mountain Lake. So me and some buddies loaded up and went looking for them. All weekend, cruising Eagle Mountain, hit every beach, every Foosers Hut, every underage bar, looking high and low for Bloodrock.
You may wonder did we have any luck?
Hell yes!
But we never did find Bloodrock.

Apparently he got that one wrong.

 "I don't think anybody is questioning the legitimacy of the presidential election"

~Kevin McCarthy

THE LATEST ADDITION TO THE RENFRO CULINARY REPETOIRE

I told my friend Nancy about my first week as lunch cook at The Crystal Cactus, the Hyatt's gourmet Restaurant back in 1982.
"My third day the chef came to me and said that the special tomorrow would be Cannelloni. I had no idea what that was, and had no intention of revealing my ignorance. There was no such thing as Google back then, so I went that evening to Barnes and Noble bookstore and found a recipe for Cannelloni's. The next morning I went in an hour early to do something I had never done before:
Make pasta from scratch and roll out the dough as thin as I could get it.
It sounded like it might be difficult, and there had been mention of a machine that would do it for you. It ended up being more difficult than it sounded, and I found out why old Italian women have big burly arms.
Never having made pasta dough I could only hope the consistency was close enough. I was rolling that dough pretty hard when the chef appeared at my side.
"What are you doing, Renfro?" he asked.
"Making cannelloni's, chef" I replied.
He reached into a cooler and pulled out a box of Eggroll wrappers. Genius!
"We usually just use these." he said "but its looks like you got it going."
The next week he showed me where they kept the pasta roller machine. There is a lesson here I think"
I told Nancy this story last weekend, and today came in the mail my new surprise Pasta Roller Noodle Making Machine.

THE MASK NAZI

 

I had an unpleasant experience at a local Will Call picking up a package.

Big sign outside saying masks required, and "Employees Only" for inside. After a few minutes a girl comes to the door, opens it a crack and mumble's something. She had to repeat it 3 times before I could figure it out.

"Where's your mask? she asks "You need a mask."

"I'm not coming in, am I? I'm not supposed to come in, right?" and I try to hand her the invoice. She won't take it.

"You have to have a mask"

"Out here?"

"Yes, its our policy"

"Oh... I do not have a mask with me"

She disappears, obviously exasperated that I would dare come to her door mask less. A minute goes by. She brings me a mask. I put it on. Now, through the crack in the door, she will take the invoice. She brings my package and slips it, wordlessly, through the crack in the door. I cannot for the life of me remember ever leaving a place of business without saying "Thank You" to someone. This was a first.

I am all for masks, I’ve got both vaccines and still wear one everywhere I go, but if you are going to ask me to wear one outside your door, you really should at least say "Good afternoon" first.

I've been trying to decide whether to call the company or not, and now that I've written it down I surely do believe I will.