Thursday, March 16, 2017


"I want to apologize to all of my American friends for failing to either die or get better. I know many of you hate the very word socialism, but as of today I have become a beneficiary of all of your labor in a purely socialist way; as of today, I am receiving . . . ahem . . . Medicare. Yes sir, I am right now enjoying a barium shake that all of you have paid for. Thank you!

I thought I would have died by now but here I am persisting in this not-dead-yet-not-fully-alive limbo, with no end in sight. I never wanted to be a burden to society. I drink very little and have never smoked or done drugs. I exercise. I try to be kind to the people I meet. But here I am, sucking on the big tit.

I hope you all will forgive me for not pulling my weight as Americans of my age are expected to do. People with my illness, who don't succumb to it in a timely fashion, cannot be treated profitably and thus screw up our whole profit-based health care system. I'm the problem and I know that. For what it's worth, I will promise to do what I can, short of hanging myself from the railroad bridge on the Don Tyson Parkway, to resolve my health situation one way or the other as soon as possible. In the mean time, thank you again. The shake is delicious!"

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