Tuesday, October 11, 2011


So back in July the XMrs Bulletholes talks me into looking for a house to buy. I can qualify for a loan based on the fact that I have NO credit, because I have been a cash and carry kind of guy ever since she talked us into that bankruptcy and foreclosure and divorce back 15 years ago. But I take her advice, no matter how squirrelly it is because she always seems to end up being at least partly right, which is more than I can claim for myself, and because she always has my best interests at heart.

In theory I can find a nice little house for cheaper than that apartment.

I gave notice at my apartment and started the qualification process for a loan, which was supposed to take a week, but ended up taking 2 months which has forced me to move in with my sister.

My sister. I can’t begin to explain what kind of shock that is. She and I are light years apart, always have been. For about 15 years now all I watch is PBS News and Documentaries. Sure, I had a fling with Grey’s Anatomy for half a season, and in the early days of Desperate Housewives I had a real fancy for Brie; I may even have acted out on it a time or two.

But none of this could prepare me for sitting with my sister watching Millionaire Matchmaker, Jersey Shore and Breaking Bad. I stayed out last night, just to try to clear my head from all the suck TV I have been exposed to, but when I came home she gaily announced that she had recorded Dancing With The Stars for me, and we could watch it together. It was Show Tunes night, and the first one seemed to be the theme from The Dirty Dozen.
Or maybe The Great Escape.
I don’t know.
I don’t care.
I’m just worried about what might be on tonight.
God help me.

One: down to the road block, we've just begun,
Two: the guards are through,
Three: the Major's men are on a spree,
Four: Major and Wladislaw go through the door,
Five: Pinkley stays out in the drive,
Six: the Major gives the rope a fix,
Seven: Wladislaw throws the hook to heaven,
Eight: Jiminez has got a date,
Nine: the other guys go up the line,
Ten: Sawyer and Gilpin are in the pen,
Eleven: Posey guards points five and seven,
Twelve: Wladislaw and the Major go down to delve,
Thirteen: Franko goes up without being seen,
Fourteen: Zero-hour - Jiminez cuts the cable,
Franko cuts the phone,
Fifteen: Franko goes in where the others have been,
Sixteen: we all come out like it's Halloween.

Major: And kill every officer in sight.
Franco: Ours or theirs?
Major: Well, start out with theirs.
Bulletholes: I'ma smash the TV.


red dirt girl said...

Ha! I know just what you mean. I went a year without watching any TV and didn't feel as though I had missed a thing in the world. But as my room has the largest flat screen TV in it (courtesy of my landlord), my kids started migrating to my room to watch. So I fell into watching their TV trash: Chelsea Handler, the Kardashians, Housewives of New Jersey, American Idol .... but I had to draw the line at Jersey Shore!!! One episode was all I could take. No wonder I'm in a fog!


Martijn said...

Ha ha, as sick as I am (a terrible cold... well, a bad case of sniffles any way)... that made me laugh!

I don't know most of the shows you mention, but Dancing With The Stars I have flipped past a couple of times. Of course compared to Dutch 'stars,' American Stars are... well 'better' isn't the right word probably, but more Starly for sure.

Hang in there! Read a book?

bulletholes said...

Martijn, I read yesterday that americans love celebrities and that is what is wrong with America.

bulletholes said...

Here red, from our pal UF mike...
"Our absolute abhorrence of existence should not be misconstrued as a condemnation of all of existence, but only of those conditions that make living in what could be a pretty swell place instead an imprisonment in a chamber of horrors. Which is to say that life has its good points, which are unfortunately and inevitably drowned out by the quotidion horrors of being. These (the horrors of being) include work, illness, Republicans, bad coffee, cops, the Kardashians, the depravities of man, the depredations of nature, and the ineradicable tendency of certain individuals (many of them politicians) to make life miserable for those around them. "

soubriquet said...

She actually enjoys watching that stuff. Even when the kids aren't there.

red dirt girl said...

Traitor! I'm supposed to be the Mule of Mystery !! Don't be spilling all my secrets out in the intertent. Okay. So I like Chelsea Handler ....