NEVER

 I went to a ZZ Top concert with my ex-wife and a good friend of ours, Lisa, in April of 2023.

The concert was great, we had a good time, being the best of friends for many years. This story is about the day after the concert in Gruene Texas. We went to a music venue that afternoon at Gruene Hall, a hill country landmark. Built in 1878, it has an amazing music history; its an open air big barn dance hall with a big patio. Good bands, good times, good beer.

At some point I notice the girls giggling and pointing to their phones, just the way girls do sometimes. Then they inform me they are going to the bathroom. When they come back, more giggling, more pointing to the phones. Then they excuse themselves saying they are “On a mission from God” and head to the patio. When they get back they are very excited.
Shila tells me, in hushed tones that they have spotted Elwood Francis, bass player for ZZ Top!
He is out on the patio, wearing red sneaker with a group of six!
Now these girls, Lisa and Shila, they are very excitable ladies that love to laugh it up. And they are thrilled that they have spotted Elwood.
They show me a picture of Elwood they have googled up, without his fake ZZ Top beard and hair.
"We are sure its him, but can you go take a look on the patio and see if you agree?” they ask. “But keep it on the lowdown, he probably wants his privacy.”

So I go out to the patio and spot the guy in the red sneakers and sure enough, he could be Elwood Francis, the bass player from ZZ top without his fake beard and hair.
I start to go in and make my report that yes, it could be him, but instead I just marched over to the table of six, gave them my best smile, leaned over the table and addressed the fellow in the red sneakers directly.
“Excuse me, I don’t want to intrude, but I was wondering if you might be Elwood Francis?”
He looked a bit confused.
“Who”
“Elwood Francis”
“Who is Elwood Francis?”
“He’s the bass player for ZZ Top” I replied.
No sooner were the words out of my mouth that the table exploded with laughter!
“Why would you think that?” he asked.
“My Ex-wife and Lisa are in there convinced you are him. They sent me out here to find out.”
And the table erupts again in laughter. We are all seven of us laughing it up.
They ask me about the concert, and I ask them where they are from, and apologize for the intrusion and start to make my way back to the girls. I’m sure they will be disappointed.
I got about ten feet away and spun around and went back to the table.
I leaned over again and said “What do y’all think if I go tell the girls they are right , it IS Elwood, and if you want you can go get his autograph and take a few pictures”
Again the table erupts in laughter.


And so it begins. I report to the girls.
“Y’all were right. It IS Elwood!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I went up to the table and asked”
“You did not!”
“I sure did. And guess what? If y’all can keep it quiet you can come out and meet him. Maybe get a picture and an autograph”

I cannot describe how badly they were fan-girling. They had to run fix their hair and when they came back they were breathless, holding each other to keep from falling down.
We made our way to the table, and everyone at the table was laughing, and I was laughing, Shila and Lisa were fan-girling, and Elwood stood up and gave them hugs.
Then everyone started taking pictures and I couldn’t stop laughing, even though I was, deep inside, starting to wonder how and when to break it to the girls that it was all just one big funny joke, haha.

All this, after earlier in the day I had told Lisa and Shila how much the NA program had changed me. That I didn’t tell all the lies I used to tell, or misrepresent myself anymore, or make jokes out of other people.
“It’s OK to joke yourself, but it’s not OK to joke other people” I had said.



When we got back inside, they were still fangirling. They checked their cameras and discovered that they did not have a single picture of them with Elwood. There were a lot of pictures of the entire party, but what they wanted was one of the pics where they were draped over Elwood.
Me? I was laughing so hard the entire time I never took a picture
‘Can you go back out there and see if they have a pic they can send us?” and Shila gave me her business card with her number and Email to give to them.
So I went back out. When I got to their table they were still laughing their asses off.

I leaned over the table again, but on the end away from Elwood, closer to the three women.
“Y’all wouldn’t believe how crazy excited they are. They want you to send some of the pics with just Elwood and them, and any other good ones” and gave them Shilas card.
Then I addressed the three ladies.
“What I want to know is when do I break it to them that it wasn’t really Elwood?”
All three at once said one word:
“NEVER”

(To be continued)

Elwood Francis, without his "Fake Beard"