WHY WE BUILD THE WALL

Somebody is trying to sell me a wall. The same way they sold my father and my brother a Vietnam. 
We need a wall like we needed Vietnam. I ain’t buyin’ it.

Interesting song I heard last year on the Old Prairie Home Companion show.
Anais Mitchel, from her 2010 opera, "Hadestown". There is a minute of chatter before the song.

RASPBERRIES

I remember falling in love with Carol Channing when I was 10 years old. 
I could not resist the way she hollered “Raspberries!” in Thoroughly Modern Millie.
Carol, gone to the big glass of champagne in the sky.

BIG SURPRISE

AT&T is reportedly planning a significant round of layoffs (7,000), despite receiving a large tax break and various regulatory favors such as the repeal of net neutrality rules.

UPON OUR HEARTS

"Here was a Jewish rebbe, and the pupil asks the rebbe about a passage in the Old Testament, Deuteronomy 6, I believe, where it says…“Lay these words upon your heart.” The pupil asks the rebbe, who is more of a Hasidic master than a “clergyman,” why does it say “Lay these words upon your heart? Why doesn’t it tell us to put them in our hearts?”

The rebbe answers in a way that I think you may find very beautiful: “It says ‘upon our hearts,’ not ‘in our hearts,’ because as we are, our hearts are closed and the words cannot enter in. And there they stay upon our hearts-- until one day the heart breaks. And the words fall in.”

Interview with Jacob Needleman by Kristina Turner April 2012 - Needleman, Jacob
Articles on Gurdjieff and his System
GURDJIEFF-INTERNET.COM

HELLO 2019

The first hour at work of the year.

“Boss, David is on line one. Would you like to take the call?”

“Hang up on him.”
Now that’s the kind of answer I used to get from techs that didn’t want to talk to customers. It was their way of using the “No “ word. The power word. They would eventually pick up, but I had to talk them into it. I hated that. I’m glad those guy are gone.
But now I’m dealing with a boss that is doing the same thing.
‘Hang up on him” he said.
I thought a moment. “Sir, I don’t hang up on people.”
I could see him bite his lip. He took the call. But he came back a little later.
“You better lose that attitude” he said.
“Hey, I’m not the one telling people to hang up on people”
Against the current, we beat on.

SPEAKING OF THE DALLAS COWBOYS...

... it makes me think of what is going on with my trash bags. I use the bags with a built in scent. Lavender. When you put the new bag in, it fills the apartment with the scent of lavender. It is amazingly resilient too. After a few days, there is still the scent of lavender. The caveat is that underneath the lavender smell is the faint undertone of banana peels, onion skins and the wrapper the chicken breasts came in. Then its time to take out the trash.
I've been using those bags for years. but the last few months I've noticed that when I replace a bag, I still smell trash. I've scrubbed the trash cans a few times now, and I swear when I walk into my apartment the day after replacing a bag, all I can smell is spoiled trash. But the bag is brand new with no trash in it yet.
I've determined that after using these bags for so many years, I've come to associate the otherwise lovely lavender smell with a potpourri of stale pancakes and maple syrup, leftover heavily peppered scrambled eggs, funky bean burrito's, and bad pork chop bones.
So, even though the Cowboys won today and clinched the division, don't be fooled.
They still stink.

ON GIVING

"...An eight-year-old boy had a younger sister who was dying of leukemia, and he was told that without a blood transfusion she would die. His parents explained to him that his blood was probably compatible with hers, and if so, he could be the blood donor. They asked him if they could test his blood. He said sure. So they did and it was a good match. Then they asked if he would give his sister a pint of blood, that it could be her only chance of living. He said he would have to think about it overnight.
The next day he went to his parents and said he was willing to donate the blood. So they took him to the hospital where he was put on a gurney beside his six-year-old sister. Both of them were hooked up to IVs. A nurse withdrew a pint of blood from the boy, which was then put in the girl's IV. The boy lay on his gurney in silence while the blood dripped into his sister, until the doctor came over to see how he was doing. Then the boy opened his eyes and asked, "How soon until I start to die?"
- Anne Lamott
Bird by Bird

Gathered at Whiskey River

Letter from a Master Addict to Dangerous Drugs, 1956

“The junk merchant doesn’t sell his product to the consumer, he sells the consumer to his product. He does not improve and simplify his merchandise. He degrades and simplifies the client.”
William Burroughs

READY FOR A NEW YEAR

If dreams are your subconscious trying to save your sorry ass then:

Climbing the stands of a ballpark takes you,

barefoot,

                to a train station.

At the station there is a girl you tried to call 

           that didn’t want you to call her

You call out her name three times
Dont she says
        Dont call me.

On the menu there are

               hot dogs cold beer and ice cream

and a guy you’ve only met once

           with the loudest most marvelous voice
His name is Dan and he is from Jersey

   New Jersey  

You find its amazing how kind people can be

Then some guy steals a car.

He steals the car and the crowd catches him

pulls him out of the car

and just before they beat the devil out of him

               You ask

“Has anyone called the cops?”

               

The disillusionist calls you to the stage

Smashes your watch

Cuts your tie in half

Now he is sawing the box in two

Your feet at one end

And your head at the other.

He says
Say the magic words and I’ll stop

Say the magic words and I’ll stop

Say the magic words and I’ll stop

You try to say the words and cant

Your mouth opens but nothing comes out

Your mouth opens but nothing comes out

Your mouth opens but nothing comes out

Your eyes open and you hear yourself say

“Abracadabra” out loud.
He stops.

You laugh out loud and back to sleep.

Close one.

There are swarms of fish.

Under the boat.

Look! Look at them all!

You drop your bare hook into the water.

Gosh. What I wouldn’t give for a live minnow right now.

At Niagara Falls

She comes out of the mist

in a red raincoat

The mist of what must be ages

You tell her “I haven’t seen you in forever”
She says “That’s not true. I just saw you earlier, at the train station”  
           She’s right.

           You saw her ten microseconds ago.
            

She takes you by the arm

                Walking to the river.

Climbing in a barrel

                And over the falls we go.

Dreams.

They are your subconscious trying to save your sorry ass.

WHO'S YOUR HUCKLEBERRY?

Down in San Antonio two weeks ago I made a dinner reservation at a nice restaurant.

After I hung up I had to call them back because I had a question about their dress code. 
In a voice that became increasingly more hayseed:

“Silo Prime, can I help you?”
“Um, yes ma’am, I’m Steve Renfro and I just called and made reservations at your fancy restaurant a couple minutes ago”
“Yes sir Mr Renfro”
Aw Shucks, no need for all that mister stuff. Listen here, I’se looking at your menu online here, and I see that you have a dress code. Its says “Casual Elegant”. Now I know what casual is, but I’m concerned about the elegant part. I don’t really have any elegant with me. I got a real nice shirt. Its almost brand spankin’  new. Its my favorite shirt and looks purty good on me I don’t mind sayin’. Its got a collar, and come from the dry cleaners just yesterday so its pressed and everthing. Heavy starch, that’s what I like. Now my britches, I just got jeans, but they is my best jeans. They’s only a year old and pressed nice like the shirt. No holes or nuthin’, even down there at the bottom of the leg---what do they call that that, the cuff?—even that’s in purty good shape. They fit me nice in the rear, but I wish they was a little roomier in the front. And I do have a belt, but I usually wear my shirt tail out because I have reached a shape it jus’ don’t stay tucked too good. So what do you think, Ma’am?”
I heard her snicker a little bit. She said “We do not require a coat and a tie, and jeans, as you describe, are fine”.
“Ok, well, thank you I appreciate that. That’s what I was worried about. I do have a jacket, and I nearly brung it, but didn’t quite. Now about the shoes. I did bring some dress shoes cuz someone told me a long time ago sometimes it was important to wear nice shoes. But I’d really rather wear my sneakers. They’s pretty new too, and cost more than I shoulda paid. Will those be OK?  Because we plan to go walk the river after.”

My friend Linda. She is gorgeous and I have a huge crush on her. One of these days.

WHAT AM I LIKE AT REST?

I had to go to a chiropractor earlier this year. Stiff neck. He worked on me a couple times and suggested I get a massage before seeing him. To loosen me up a little.

So for a few sessions, his assistant would give me a massage for 30 minutes, concentrating on my neck and shoulders. Then I would go in to see him.
I guess about the third time, he laid me on the table after my massage, and started to make his adjustment.

“Relax” he said.

“Relax?” I thought. I’d just had a 30 minute massage and he is telling me to relax.
And that’s when I noticed it. I was wound up like an atomic alarm clock. I was so tense laying there I could hardly even breathe. I let out my breath and tried to relax.
“That’s better” he said.
So it makes me wonder what I am really like “at rest”.  I like to think of myself as happy, kind and patient. I like to think I’m smart. But where do I fall on a sliding scale on any of those things unless I consciously give it my best effort?

When I try really hard, and when I know patience, tolerance and calm will be required for a phone call to AT&T. I do pretty good. For a while. I was on the phone with them a few weeks ago. Its like they have their own language and symbols, and for 40 minutes I was keeping the volume down. If things start to escalate, things quickly fall apart.  But it reached a point I was practically screaming.

The poor girl. She said “Mr. Renfro, there is no need to yell at me”
I said “I’m not yelling AT you, I’m just yelling!
And we both laughed, and things were better.

WHY GET UP?

During the week and it comes 7:00 am and all I can think is “God I wish I could sleep another hour”.

And then the weekend, and 7:00 am comes, and all I can think is “God I wish I could sleep another hour”.

COMING SOON

‘An era can be said to end when its basic illusions are exhausted.’ –Arthur Miller

MEDAL OF COURAGE

Chinese crayfish rips off own claw in effort to escape boiling pot, receives honorable Medal of Courage. His owner, Chef Jiuang Xi, has given him a place in his own home, and named him Dennis Rodman.

FIRST SNOW

FIRST SNOW

The snow
began here
this morning and all day
continued, its white
rhetoric everywhere
calling us back to why, how,
whence such beauty and what
the meaning; such
an oracular fever! flowing
past windows, an energy it seemed
would never ebb, never settle
less than lovely! and only now,
deep into night,
it has finally ended.
The silence
is immense,
and the heavens still hold
a million candles, nowhere
the familiar things:
stars, the moon,
the darkness we expect
and nightly turn from. Trees
glitter like castles
of ribbons, the broad fields
smolder with light, a passing
creekbed lies
heaped with shining hills;
and though the questions
that have assailed us all day
remain — not a single
answer has been found —
walking out now
into the silence and the light
under the trees,
and through the fields,
feels like one.


Mary Oliver

THAT RABBIT COAT

I was standing in the smoking area when suddenly this white rabbit coat appeared next to me. I'd seen her around, but hadnt met her. I took a deep draw of smoke, blew a single ring, slowly exhaled, watched the remaining fog catch the wind.
She pulled a cigarette out of her bag, twirled it twice and placed it between those red lips. I kept my gaze straight ahead. A long moment passed.
"Arent you going to light my cigarette?" she asked.
"Oh, but of course, pardon me"
My lighter worked.
I'm not sure if we were both just shy or if we were both just really cool, but we stood there wordless and smoked.
I reached the end of mine, and flipped it away. Thats the part of smoking I miss the most now, flipping the butt away.
I flipped it away and asked "So, are you going to be at Jack In The Box tonight?
"Probably not" she said, and smiled.
"Yeah, me either" I said, gave her my best grin, walked away, wondering what her name was.
Later that night I grabbed a six pack of Old Milwaukee and headed to the Box. It took two passes to find that rabbit coat.
It was hard to miss. A great start to a wonderful friendship.

MAYBE EVEN A MILE

The election results are in and we can’t wait to see what you have to say about it. We are looking for inspiration, and really dont care where it comes from.
We pulled up to the poling place yesterday and found that we had to run a gauntlet of Red State campaigners, including the Nimrod who was seeking re-election as a State Representative. He is not exactly someone I care for. He voted against providing breakfast for low income kids, a measure which PASSED because the state legislature is not all the way full on idiots like him.
He also voted YES to test folks for drug use prior to receiving unemployment benefits. This may sound great at first blush, but as a recovering addict, we see problems innumerable with this kind of legislation. If we had a dollar for every drug test we passed in our using days we could score an 8 Ball. What about hurt people that have lost their job and take pain meds?  And what about alcohol? Weak, ineffective legislation that could punish those that need some help the most.

Anyway, he and his posse of Hombres were the last people we wanted to see as we entered the polling place. We walked briskly, kept our eyes straight ahead. We thought we had made it when a woman from behind asked:
"Are you planning to vote today?"
Well, duh, but we just kept walking. We were ten feet past when we heard the Nimrod say "I hope you can count on my vote". We may have missed half a step as we fought the urge to turn around and tell him what we really thought.
I'm pretty sure the whole gaggle of them knew they could not count on my vote.

So I marched my ass in, and for the first time ever cast a ballot for a Mid-Term election.
And for the first time I cast a straight party ballot. I hope I never have to do that again.
Our guy lost.
Our guy lost but we are very pleased to see that our county voted for the Democratic candidate for senator, the first time they have done that in many years, and statewide gave Cruz a run for the money. 
Many people in our county are as filled with horror over the behavior of Trump as us. The true lesson may be that despising this president and his synchophant Cruz, although understandable, is insufficient. 

The campaigners were still out there when we got through. Again, we walked by them briskly, avoiding eye contact. No one said a word. We would have liked to have given Nimrod a piece of our mind, but we were not in the right mood for it. We would have told him to go fuck himself.

We felt relieved that the campaigners cant get within 100 feet of the polls.
They need to change that.
A half mile would be much better. 
Maybe even a mile.

NIGHT SHIFT

There is something about the deep night that releases a different you. Its more your own street, your own city, your own world, and you are both more and less in charge of it at 3 A.M. than in the daylight.

Bulletholes, 7/2011

Image~ Patrick Joust

JURY DUTY

A few years ago I got called up for jury duty. I got down there and they had this list of disqualifiers. There were about 3 things on the list to disqualify me. I had to stand before the judge and tell him about these 3 things from my checkered past. I was very disappointed. I had hoped to be able to serve.

The judge looked at me and said “But you are doing well now, yes?”
“Yes your honor”
“Well, get your butt over there. We need jurors that are doing well.”

SCARECROW

Once I said to a scarecrow, “You must be tired of standing in this

lonely field.”

And he said, “The joy of scaring is a deep and lasting one, and I

never tire of it.”

Said I, after a minute of thought, “It is true; for I too have

known that joy.”

Said he, “Only those who are stuffed with straw can know it.”

Then I left him, not knowing whether he had complimented or belittled me.

A year passed, during which the scarecrow turned philosopher.

And when I passed by him again I saw two crows building a nest

under his hat.

Khalil Gibran

THE SULK

"At the heart of a sulk lies a confusing mixture of intense anger and an equally intense desire not to communicate what one is angry about. The sulker both desperately needs the other person to understand and yet remains utterly committed to doing nothing to help them do so. The very need to explain forms the kernel of the insult: if the partner requires an explanation, he or she is clearly not worthy of one. We should add: it is a privilege to be the recipient of a sulk; it means the other person respects and trusts us enough to think we should understand their unspoken hurt. It is one of the odder gifts of love."
Alain de Botton

MORE HERE...

SWIMMING LESSONS

I was barely 4 on my first camp out at Grapevine Lake. I still smell the smoke, I remember the stringer of fish I caught from the bank, and my father cautioning as it grew into dusk not to wander too far from the camp in the brush, and to watch out for Gullywampuses.
“Whats a Gullywampus?” I asked.
“it’s a Gullywampus” was his reply. 
Over the years I came to understand that that was exactly right. A Gullywampus was a Gullywampus, it could be anything from a cow skull to a fishing lure, but on that first camping trip it was probably snakes.
I can take you to that spot even today. It looks different now, 57 years later. Amazingly, there are a lot more trees. A lot more brush.
My most recurring memory of that trip was standing on the bank and looking out across the lake. It seemed a long way to the other shore, but I was sure that if I fell in, I would be able to make it to the other side because I was taking swimming lessons.
It never occurred to me until years later that if I fell in I didn’t have to make it to the other side.
You store everything inside yourself and then one day, wherever you are, whatever the time, it appears just like that.

ROLL JUSTICE SLOWLY ROLL

There is a story I’d been meaning to write down. This is as good a time as any to do it.
When I started working at my current job 14 years ago there was a guy that kept cokes in the fridge.
He and I didn’t get along very well, and I found out over time that if a coke came up missing from his cokes, he would know about it and get upset.
I could hardly believe this guy kept count of his cokes, and if I took one he would know.
So, being the jerk that I truly am, anytime I wanted to get under his skin I just took a coke. Within 24 hours he would be about to blow his top over his missing can of coke. And over time he began to accuse me, which I always categorically denied.

But one day after taking one of his cokes I got sloppy and left the can in my trash can, which I always avoided. He found it, matched up the lot numbers and went to the manager.
The manager called me into the office.
“Are you taking his cokes?” he asked.
“No sir” I denied it.
“Well, he has a can from your trash can with the same lot number”
“Same lot number? I don’t know how lot numbers work. I got that coke at Walmart.” I lied.
“Steve, if you are taking this guy’s cokes, please stop. You have no idea how much grief its causing me”
So I went back to my desk. I sat down and about two minutes later the phone rang.
It was the Bedford Police Department.
“Mr. Renfro, your son was spotted walking home from school, and he went into someone’s garage and took a six pack of cokes from the cooler. We have him surrounded in a creek bed, and we cant get him to come out. We are about to turn the dogs loose on him. Can you call him and try to persuade him to come out”

I couldn’t believe it. Does anyone think this was a coincidence? He was suffering for my sins. Or to put it into NA Traditions speak, it was “A loving God as he may express himself in our Group Conscience”. God was expressing himself in my Group Conscience, and I never took another coke after that.

We are seeing the same thing with Judge Kavanaugh today. He is paying for the sins of Donald Trump, whose transgressions were swept under the rug in 2016. That fired up the #METOO movement.
And now the chickens are coming home to roost.

Funny thing though. He and I got along better as the years went by. He doesn't work there anymore, but I still see him regular. 

I see him at my NA Group.

In fact, I'm his sponsor. Ain't that something?

THE PEPPERMILL LOUNGE

I used to go to The Peppermill with my buddy Dominick. He was a Sicilian born madman. We would go to see his favorite band "Little Green Men".
 Anyway, one night there was this girl there that wanted to dance….no, she wasn’t a girl, she was a woman. I was 40 years old, and she must have been 60 and that would make her 80 now, but she was wearing something tight, and 80 is the new 60, and that’s what I am now, so all things being equal the numbers work out OK.
But its not like I had a choice here. She wanted to dance with ME. And NO is not a word we use around here. It started out OK, but then she wanted to dance SLOW with me to FAST songs, and she kept nibbling my ear, and she smelled really good and I asked her what she was wearing. She said it was “Oil of the Satyr”, and that was a little freaky, and she said something else that is more or less unprintable, and about that time Dominick said it was time to go.
I didn’t want to go.
But Dominick was my ride and it took 30 minutes for him to take me home, and another 30 minutes for me to get in my car and go back up there, but it was 2:15 and snowing and there was no one left there except a couple mullets in the parking lot.

I’ve kept one eye out for her for 20 years now. I’d know her if I saw her in a minute.
JD Salinger wrote “"Probably for every man there is at least one city that sooner or later turns into a girl. How well or how badly the man actually knew the girl doesn’t necessarily affect the transformation. She was there, and she was the whole city, and that’s that."”

And I guess The Peppermill Lounge, for me, is a nameless 80 year old woman wearing Oil of the Satyr.

TONIGHT TONIGHT TONIGHT WILL BE FINE FOR A WHILE

Brad is my most loyal friend. I remember the night I did some acid and I dropped him off at a house where his girlfriend was babysitting. It was just down the street from her house. I took Brads car and went the The Outpost for some pinball and Air Hockey. I was supposed to be back to pick him up at 11:00. Well, as acid trips go, I lost track of time, and it started snowing.
Snowing in Texas!
Big white fluffy flakes coming down, tickling my nose, and eyelashes, and soon my town was blanketed in the glorious stuff, how wonderful snow is! But when you aren’t used to it, its kinda blinding, especially at night. Every twinkling light is magnified like 100 times, and reflected off the snow like a million times, blues and greens and finally I completely grok Van Gogh. So I reached over and pulled Brads glittery big sunglasses out of the glove box, the ones that he would wear when we would cruise the loop in his Ford Pinto with the Quad turned all the way up, and during "Funeral For A Dead Friend", and play keyboard on the dashboard with his eyes closed, blissful, while we begged him to put his hands back on the steering wheel and drive before the song came true for all of us.
I put them on.
Much better! And it was about that time I remembered something about needing to go pick Brad up somewhere. But where? It was right on the tip of my tongue. Where was Brad?
Oh, snap, Brad Huff is at his girlfriends house!
So I went to Lisa’s house, parked the car, sledged up the hill through the wonderful snow to Lisa’s door and rang the bell., and stood there in my glittery glasses while Lisas mother opened the door.
“Hi” I said “I’m here to get Brad”
‘Who?” Lisas mother asked.
“Brad. I dropped him off here a couple hours ago where Lisa was babysitting”
About that time two things hit me.
One, Lisa’s mother suddenly recognized me, even with the sunglasses. I was the guy in Lisa’s diary that was never supposed to be within 100 feet of Lisa again according to her father.
Two, I hadn’t dropped Brad off at Lisa’s house, I’d dropped him off wherever she was babysitting.
I really don’t remember how that encounter was resolved, but the next thing I knew I was tumbling down the hill in the snow to Brads car, then I was driving down the street, and Brad was running alongside the car in the snow, I was rocking his sunglasses, stars were falling, falling, falling from the purple sky, the world was big and full of light, the air was crisp, I had found my most loyal friend, and tonight, tonight, tonight was going to be fine for a while.

Dr Death

I call my dentist Dr. Death. He is a great guy. He looks just like Kramer on Seinfeld. His assistant, Candi, is an Exotic Dancer down at Fantasy Fox. While he has my mouth wide open he will say things like "Candi, bring me the big black hook" and I just crack up. There is no big black hook, not that I've ever seen. He’s just messing with me. Sometimes I crack up so bad in there that we have to stop all the dental stuff till I stop laughing. I wish there was more to tell you about Candi. We’ve never really gotten past the rinse and spit stage of our relationship. One day Dr Death was going to do a little work on a tooth without numbing me. He needed to remove a little "interference", which is a technical term I know all about because Doctor Death tells me everything about what he's doing while he is doing it. This has earned my undying respect and unflinching trust. I know enough about dentistry to do my own root canal. Certainly I know enough to do yours. “I’ll just lightly buff out that little bit of interference” he said “Let me know if you feel any pain”. The instant the drill touched down was like lightning had struck that tooth, and my left leg shot out as I gripped the chair. My survival instinct took over and I jammed my tongue onto the drill which embedded the drill into my tongue, but also prompted Doctor Death to stop the drill. Even with a drill lodged in my tongue, I couldnt help but laugh. He looked down into my face and grinned. “”You felt that?” “”Ike a ‘ofoker, ‘og” I said "’og, whudda ella oowie oo ow?" which means "Doc, what the hell do we do now" and he said "Hang on while I put it in reverse". "Brrrrreeee" went the drill! It worked like a son of a bitch Man, I just cracked up. Thats how you get a drill out of a tongue. I really wish there was more to say about Candi.

A QUIET GIFT OF EVERYDAY LIFE

I see him every few weeks. For ten years I see him.

Bumming change at Lisa’s Chicken. Crossing the Belaire Parking lot at a fast clip.

He’s a fast walker, he is.

Mostly skin and bones too.
Unshaved. Rough around the edges. Dirty pants.

So skinny his mother might not even recognize him.

Even a guy like him probably has a mama somewhere , a momma crying out “Lord have mercy on my babys soul”.

For ten years I see him, rough on the edges, same shirt, same pants, same hard look.
Same hard look, but timid in a funny way; harmless, hopeless, shy like a dog thats been whipped.

Always walking fast, like he’s got someplace to be. But one look you can tell he has no place to be.
No place to be.

I get the feeling sometimes that I know him. From back in my using days.

If I add fifteen pounds to him, yes, I might have known him fifteen years ago in some game room in Arlington, or that shack out in Rendon.

It makes my heart hurt a little to see him, for ten years, when I see him.
But I don’t dwell on it, its just part of the routine, like the guy that used to hitchhike all over, or the lady on her bike that worked at Carls.

I hardly even notice him any more.

But then Saturday morning I’m at the red light at Bedford Road and Brown Trail, lost in my meditation, lost in my routine.

And there he is. Ten years I've watched him walk
But he is not walking.

He’s on a bike. Zipping across the parking lot.
My heart just swells. I feel lifted. He’s moved up.
The quiet gift of everyday life to see this.

I remember when I was on a bike. Four (4) years I was on a bike.

Who knows? Maybe he’s got a job.
Who knows? Maybe I’ll see his bike parked outside the group, the way mine was 10 years ago.

We do recover.

“Most of us do not live a life of monastic rigor. Our days are full of jagged edges and jangling moments. But most of us do have quiet routines that inform our lives. We rise each morning and greet our day in the same fashion. A first cup of coffee, a glance at the paper, a certain way we bathe and prepare for our entry into the day — these do not change. They are the rituals by which we shape our days. But we do not value them as rituals. To us they are the ordinary — sometimes comforting, sometimes mind-deadening — activities that give a familiar sameness to our life. Far from honoring them, we pay them no heed. We see them as routines, not as paths to awareness. My time in the monastery taught me otherwise. To be sure, the monks lived a life of deep sacramentality and prayer, and that was the true source of their spiritual vision. But the mindful practice of their spiritual exercises spilled over into the way they carried on their daily affairs. They were present to nuance, aware of the space around events. A cup of tea, a meal partaken, a moment shared with another — all commanded their absolute focus. They had tuned their spirits to a fine and subtle sensitivity, and nothing passed unnoticed or unhonored.”

~ Kent Nerburn, Of Coffee Mugs and Monks in Small Graces: The Quiet Gifts of Everyday Life (New World Library. 2010)

Thanks to David at Live and Learn

KEY CHAIN MAN

July Fourth with Donald! Baseball, hot dogs and fireworks.
My nephew Donald is a sweet smart boy. He is into keychains. He wants to know all about your keys. He inventoried mine.
“Whats this key Uncle Steve?”
“That’s my mailbox key”
“Whats this key Uncle Steve?”
“That’s my friends mailbox key so I can pick up her mail”
“Whats this key Uncle Steve?”
“Thats the key to the front door of my NA group”
And so it goes, through all my keys.
“That’s the key to my car”
“That’s the key to my work”
“That’s the key to my friends apartment”
“That’s the key to the safe”
‘That’s the key to the Post Office box.”

We’ve reached the end of the keys now. Donald is deep in thought.
“Uncle Steve, where is the key for your apartment?”
I’m gobsmacked. How did he do that?
“Wow Donald, you don’t miss much do you. I left that key with my friend Laura so she could clean my apartment while I’m gone.”

I told him what the combination to the safe is down at my NA Group. It will be interesting to see if he remembers it when I go back to visit.

ASKING FOR SOME FRIENDS

So, now that McCain is gone and being daily smeared exclusively by his own party, I just wonder who it is my Republican friends admire so much within their own party that has any kind of record of accomplishment.
Is it Sarah Palin, who provided the intellectual underpinnings of the current GOP? Where the hell has she been?
Is it Paul Ryan, or Trey Gowdy? Because they have abandoned ship.
Is it Mitch McConnell, or will the five term Senator be deemed part of “The Swamp” based mostly on his length of service (TERM LIMITS!) and whether or not he wants to kiss Trumps ass any given day?
Maybe it Lindsay Graham, one of McCains best friends? Can he last in the good favors of his own party, given that infelicity?
Or maybe Jeff Sessions, the Attorney General with one foot on the platform, and the other on the train? What about Mitt? Has he disqualified himself by half-heartedly taking a stand against Trump? What about the other 15 candidates from 2016? Which ones are honorable? Which ones are part of the swamp?
Take your pick. “Little Marco” or “Lyin’ Ted” whose father killed Kennedy.
How about Carly Fiorina, whom Trump disparaged for her looks. "Look at that face!" he cries. "Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?!"  

Hold it. I know. Allen West, the one term guy from Florida. From where I sit, he ranks number two in promoting hair-brained conspiracy theories, right behind the big cheese.
So really, I want to know. What can I look forward to the next six years. Who will be the swamp, and who will be the new hero’s of the Republican Party?
Who wants to go on record?
Because I cant think of any one in the Democratic Party that’s worth a shit, except for Stormy Daniels lawyer, who says he plans to run.
Fuck that. Lets put her in charge.

SILENT SAM

They tore another statue down last night, this time at the University of North Carolina. They called him "Silent Sam". He was erected in 1913. The dedication speech was given by an ex Confederate soldier who said:
"One hundred yards from where we stand, less than ninety days perhaps after my return from Appomattox, I horse whipped a negro wench until her skirts hung in shreds because she had maligned and insulted a Southern lady, and then rushed for protection to these University buildings where was stationed a garrison of 100 Federal soldiers. I performed the pleasing duty in the immediate presence of the entire garrison."

Isn't it odd that Democrats put these statues up 100 years ago as part of their racist agenda. an agenda that Republicans like to point to when criticizing the Democratic Party, and now Democrats want to tear them down, and the Republicans want to keep them up. Thats pretty funny, haha.

MAKING AMENDS

STEP EIGHT-"WE MADE A LIST OF ALL PERSONS WE HAD HARMED AND BECAME ENTIRLY READY TO MAKE AMENDS TO THEM ALL"

STEP NINE-"WE MADE AMENDS TO SUCH PEOPLE WHEREVER POSSIBLE, EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS"

I got to speak on the 12 Steps the last month down at my NA Group. Four hours total over four nights.
On night three, I had to cram in 5,6,7,8, and 9, because I had spent two weeks just doing 1-4..

I spent a lot of time talking about Step 8 and 9, and talking about my son. How we had come up together in our addiction. Not that we ever used together, we didn’t. He had introduced me a few years ago at a meeting I spoke at by saying “My dad, he taught me how to be an addict. But when it came time to get clean, he showed me how to do that too”.
Thats why I say we came up in our addiction together.

I talked about him a lot regarding the 8^th and 9^th Steps. I said:

“I tell my son I will always owe him. All those times I left him waiting on the curb for me to show up and didn’t. All those times we could have gone fishing, but I was out chasing dope, or else coming off a run and too tired to do anything. The times I would leave in the middle of the night, and not get back home until way into the next morning.  The opportunities I had to be a good dad, to tell him the right thing to do, but had no credibility to tell him anything. I’ll always owe him. But the best amend I can make to him is to never do any dope again today, and practice the principles of the 12 Steps in all my affairs. To participate in my own life. It may be that the very best amend I can make to him, which I struggle with even today, is to have a clean and tidy apartment when he pops in to visit.
There is a lady at work and her son is in the program. She talks about how he tries to make amends to her, but he isn’t very good at it. When I think about that, I cant help but wonder what kind of an amend my son should make to me. And I just cant think of a thing. Because I will always owe him. But some of you youngsters, you may be thinking you need to make an amend to your folks. And you might wonder how to make that amend. I would tell you its just like the one I make to my son. Live the program, be forgiving, practice some unconditional love. Be kind. Do good work. Keep car insurance and drive careful. Stay alive and tell the truth. And above all…call your mother...Just call your mother, OK?”

SHE SHOULD HAVE JUST GIVEN ME CARDS

I had this girlfriend that used to give me a silver dollar for every month we made it. I didn't really realize how weird that was until just now.
Twenty two shining silver dollars I kept in a Sir Walter Raleigh can.
I remember when I got married a couple years later, and my bride asked me where I got all the silver dollars.
I lied.
I told her about how my grandfather had been a bank robber. He was the most famous bank robber in the whole country outside of Bonnie and Clyde. He operated between Detroit, Chicago, Erie Pennsylvania, up through Buffalo and Niagara hitting all the major financial institutions, and occasionally riding in a barrel over the falls. Grandfather was a daredevil. Over the years he probably robbed a hundred banks, they say, and never got caught, do tell. He settled in Texas down around Lufkin way, bought 60 acres of land did a little wildcattin’. Struck oil back around 1936. Anyway the way the laws worked the paper currency he stole wasn't as big a problem as the silver coin. So he buried the silver dollars on his property in Sir Walter Raleigh cans. Leastways that was the story . When I was little boy and my cousin Mark and I would go down there, he and his buddies would be in the barn, cigarette smoke and the soft smell of whiskey in the air, and playing dominoes, 42 mostly. To get rid of us he'd send us out with a shovel looking to dig up a Sir Walter can full of silver dollars. One day me and my cousin dug up two rusty cans full of silver dollars. We had not really believed him until then. He died the next year. We sure did a lot of digging after that never to find another rusty can full of silver dollars.
That's what I told her.
Then she clobbered me.

NO WE DID NOT STOP

There was a cool Frontline Report on PBS last night called "Our Man In Tehran". He went around talking to a lot of people about a lot of different things.

He went to an AA Meeting! They had an AA Meeting in Iran! They had a copy of the AA book in Iranian. The government lets them have that. Normally, such a secular book would be censored. There were about 12 in the meeting, including two women.

He asked a guy “So with alcohol against the law, how do you get booze?”
“I have a phone number. I can call a man, He will deliver it to my house”

“But what happens if you get caught?”
“I will go to trial and be sentenced.”
“What will your sentence be?”
“I will be flogged”
“Have any of you been flogged?”
They all laugh.
“Yes, we have all been flogged”
“Does it hurt?”
“Yes, they use a leather horsewhip. It tears your skin”
“How many lashes?”
“Seventy Seven”

“Seventy seven lashes. Did you stop your drinking?”
They all laugh.
“No, we did not stop”
Even the Iranian government cannot make them stop.

That’s why they allow the book.

https://youtu.be/aCqu_-QQvrA

ACCEPTANCE

Outside my apartment squirrel has worn a spot in the earth at the base of the mesquite. 
He rests there after his busy mornings.
In the shade and cool earth he hardly notices me anymore as I come and go. Its nice to not be noticed, to be that much a part of his world and accepted.
Now there is a downy woodpecker, busy in the tree above the squirrel. He works silently on something unknown to me. It seems strange there is no tap-tapping, and were it not for his little cap of red I may not have noticed him at all.
Even the resting squirrel has paid him no mind.
It will comfort me should woodpecker be back today.
Are there trees near you?
Have you found any acceptance?


Steve 7/29/2018, with a tip o the hat to Mary Oliver.

MY SISTER

My sister used to tell me I was hard to get close to.
I don't know how she could say that.
We were never really that close.

RICK'S GRILL

My pal Rick was the activities chairperson at my group for the last two years. Two years ago he wanted to have a cookout. “Do you have a grill?” I asked. “No, do you?” “No. You’ll have to ask around” I told him. “I’ll pray for one” he said. Which reminded me of this story “Prayer Is A Funny Thing” I called him up on the morning of the cookout. ‘Did you find a grill?” I asked. “No, no one has a grill we can use” "I’ll tell you what buddy. I’m going to go buy us a grill. I’ve been wanting one anyway.” So I went down to Walmart, with every intention of buying one of those little $50 red topped family grills you see everywhere. But the bigger grills kinda caught my eye. And the next thing I knew I was at Academy Sports buying a huge heavy duty All-Pro 300 pound combination smoker grill with a firebox, temp gauge, smokestack and a bag of Hickory logs. I got it home, put it together, found a guy with a pickup truck and 4 of us lifted this monster into the truck and took it down to the group. My buddy took one look at this grill and said “The Lord has provided!” He sure did. Our cup runneth over. Man, the hamburgers and hot dogs were delicious! And now I had a grill to use at home, and the Group would not have to cancel any cookouts and wind up ordering boring ol’ pizza instead. I went and bought a lock and chain and locked it up under the stairs outside my apartment. The next day the apartment manager called. “Mr. Renfro, you cant keep that grill under the stairs. You will have to put it on the back porch of your apartment.” Well, shoot. Its on wheels so that shouldn’t be that big a deal. I just have to roll it into my apartment and through the sliding glass door to the porch. Except when I went to do that I found that it was about 4” too wide to fit through the sliding glass door! After studying the situation for a while I determined what I had to do. I had to take the glass door out of the door frame. So everytime I go to use the grill, that’s what I have to do. But I want you to know something about my buddy Rick. After I bought that grill, he started helping me count the donations for the group every week. See, I’m the Treasurer. I make the deposits, and pay the bills, and every week for the last 3 years he has come up on Sunday morning to help me open the safe and count the money. But 3 weeks ago, Rick was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. My good pal died a week later. We had a Memorial for on Saturday, and I talked about prayer, and his faith we’d get a grill, and his wife smiled and laughed to hear this story, just the way I’ve told it to you here, and I shared that I’ve decided to name that grill “Ricks Grill”, because we use it up at the group all the time; there isn’t a time I move it that I don’t think about Rick, and finding a grill for the goup. Its funny. A blog friend posted a link to that ‘Prayer is a Funny Thing “ story on Monday without knowing anything about my friend dying, or his Memorial or the second part of the grill story as I’ve written it here. I cried to see it Monday morning, and to think about Rick some more, and how he became such a part of my life. Became such a part of so many peoples lives. And that's why I don't pray for a grill anymore. I pray no one gets hurt moving it!

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS

We used to do acid, once upon a time. Its true. Copious amounts. If we had a drug of choice, before discovering our drug of choice, it would have been acid. We’ll tell you what’s a trip. We dropped acid and realized we had a doctors appointment in 3 hours. In hindsight, we can hardly believe we actually went to the appointment. It was for a physical to get a Life Insurance Policy. They turned us down flat. Said we were absolutely un-insurable at any price.
Yet here we are.
A miracle of modern chemistry.

THUMB-BUSTER

I’m thinking about the first gun dad gave me. It weighed almost as much as I did. It was a 1938 model Stevens single shot 12 gauge. Dad said Military Police used it during World War Two, but maybe he was pulling my leg about that. Dad had to cut off a little bit of the stock in order for it to fit where I could pull the trigger.


This old shotgun kicked like a mule. The first time I fired it I think it knocked me back 3 cotton rows. So every time I went to pull the trigger, it was a very conscious decision. I had to have all my feathers on, brace myself, and take a deep breath. After a while I didn’t even close my eyes when I pulled the trigger. Then it was time to reload. A switch released the barrel from the stock, a little mechanism in the barrel would eject the shell. I could pop another shell in, and snap the barrel back into place. But like I said, this gun weighed about the same as I did, and with a 30” barrel came up to my chin if I stood straight up. I reckon I looked like a monkey wrasslin’ a broomstick out there sometimes.


After I got another shell chambered, the real fun would begin. It was time to pull the hammer back. The hammer is what strikes the firing pin when you pull the trigger. Operated by a spring, it took everything I had to pull that hammer back. Some people call these guns with the hammer ‘Thumb-busters” and this SOB was a real thumb-buster for me. I was always afraid when we were out hunting that I would be trying to pull the hammer back and before I could get it all the way back into a locked position, it would slip, the hammer would hit the firing pin, the gun would discharge, and blow my head off. Very embarrassing. That never happened, but for the longest time I was about scared to death to fire it.
That is to say, it had my respect.

Over time I got to be pretty good with that single shot. If a dove was flying towards me, I could get a shot off, break open the barrel, reload and pull the hammer back, and get a second shot off as the dove was going away. Dove were usually pretty safe around me.

Somewhere back about 30 years ago that gun came up missing. Either it was stolen, or maybe I left it behind somewhere when I moved.
I really wish I still had that gun.

THE TRUMP CEMETERY

A MAUSOLEUM FOR FAKE NEWS
“The truth suffers from analysis” and that’s why I like to go to the Bureau of Labor Statistics to look at the data without all the commentary of Piers Morgan, Sean Hannity, Chris Cuomo, Donald Trump or Nancy “Whats wrong with my mouth?” Pelosi.
When you hear someone say ‘Donald Trump created 2.4 million jobs since he was elected”, its at the BLS that they got that data. When they say “President Obama lowered the unemployment rate from 10% to 4.8 %”, or that “Trump lowered unemployment to a 17 year low”, they got that data from the BLS.
Lucky for you that I saved* some of the data from the BLS site, which included ways to import data from charts to Excel tables. For semi-nerds like me, thats a wonderful thing, and I put together this chart for you of jobs created since 2012.
I offer it without analysis, because ““The truth suffers from analysis” and tomorrow we can look at a chart of manufacturing jobs lost and gained since 1981. 

*I went to the BLS today, because they always come out with new data the first Thursday of the month. I'm sad to say they have revamped their tables and charts, and it may take me a while to figure the website out. Dont you hate it when they do that? My bank does that and it really pisses me off. Just stop.