"A LITTLE TASTE OF LIFE ON THE EDGE"

A BULLETHOLES NEW YEARS EVE REDUX

Back in 1999 I was lucky enough to live in a very bad part of town.
As I would pull down the gravel alley at 5:30 in the morning on my way to work, there were two girls on the corner that always asked me if I wanted a "date". Being a bit of a rube, it took me a while to figure out what was going on there.
But before long, as I would pull into the alley at the end of the day, and they would wave at me and I would holler out the window
"Hellllloooo Ladies!", "Yabba-Dabba-Doo!" or "Honey, I'm home!"
And these girls would all laugh and wave because, well, am a funny guy, even to a whore.
Some times I would go to the corner and talk with them late at night, staying out of sight so as to not drive off any prospects. There were probably 3 or4 girls that worked that area at any given time.
One night a guy I knew from High School pulled up.
Boy-howdy, was he surprised to see me!
But thats not what this story is about.

This story is about the very pretty little whore that would work the streets on occasion. She had beautiful, soft looking, well groomed hair that she would toss about in a very sexy way. She seemed different from the other girls…very different. She was pretty and clean and wasn't all schitzed out, mumbling to herself, or pacing back and forth incessantly.
I figured she was a "Part-Timer"; a bored housewife that came out on occasion for a little taste of life on the edge.

One morning in my driveway I was checking the oil in my truck. This pretty little whore was passing by and so I said
“Good morning”, because really, I had been dying to say something to this pretty little whore.
She stopped and tossed her hair back and shielded her eyes from the sun and says
‘Whatcha’ doin'?”
I looked at her as I slid the rag slowly down my dipstick.
“Jus’ checkin’ my oil “ I says, and added with a grin “Would you like me to check YOUR oil?”
She didn’t miss a beat and fired right back:
“Would YOU like to check my oil?”
She was smiling pretty as she tossed that sexy hair around again.

Well, I must have turned about 5 shades of red, because, yes, I would have liked to check her oil, but I really did not have the guts to go about it.
Of course, she already knew all this, but decided to let me off the hook.
“You don’t “date” do you?”
It was less a question, and more of a statement spoken as a matter of fact.
“No ma’am, I don’t…I’m probably better off all by myself”. I don’t think I have ever felt more embarrassed my whole life.
“OK” she says, flips her hair back and starts away.
She got a few steps away. It may sound silly, but I had some notion that maybe I had hurt her feelings. So I added as she walked away:
"You are awful pretty though.”
She stopped and turned around and just laughed and flashed a big pretty smile, and said
"And you are awful sweet, and are probably better off all by yourself” and tossed all that sexy hair as she turned away while waving good-bye. She had let me off the hook again.


A few nights later on New Years Eve, a happy married couple I know saw her and they pulled over to the right in their Convertible Rag-topped Corvette. It was nice out, and they had the top down. They wanted to know how much she would charge to take on the both of them!
Just a little curious, they were... just wanted to see what it might cost for a little taste of life on the edge.
Before you could say “Tit-Bit and Gimme a Dollar” they were surrounded by the Vice Squad.
They were arrested and spent New Years Eve in Jail.
Yep. You see…
That pretty young whore was a Cop.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
YA'LL BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!

TIME WARP

So I went to my friend Angela’s for Mexican food on Christmas right?
That gal can cook, I tell you what, and she sent me home with these killer Chili Relleno’s, some refried Black Beans and some Chicken enchiladas. Saturday afternoon I started playing around on the computer. After a while I got hungry and warmed up about 10 of those Rellenos and ate them all. Then it was time for a nap.
I fell asleep.
I slept hard.
I dreamed I was on a boat in Los Angeles, Ann Margaret sitting in my lap.
Then I was on a ski lift in the Sierra’s, about to hit the slopes with Britt Eklund.
I was exploring the ruins at Mesa Verde’, looking good in my Indiana Jones attire, digging in the dirt with Kim Basinger.
I dreamed Susan Sarandon invited me up to do the Time Warp at her place on New Years Eve.
That was the best one.
I slept real hard, I dreamed long dreams. I woke, fell back into my slumber, woke again and got a blanket and fell into a deep, deep sleep.

I woke up. The clock said 7:00.
My god, I slept all night! I was starving! I had pillow face!
I turned on the computer, there were several people on Facebook. I sent out a message that read
“(yawn) I’m hungry”
I got a reply back from Carol
“Hi Steve! Merry Christmas. How are you?”
“I’m sleepy Carol, and I am hungry. I have been asleep since yesterday afternoon!”
“Are you sick” she asks.
“No, I just ate a bunch of Rellenos and they knocked me out”
So Carol replies with
“I get up every morning at 6:00 and drink Brazillian Coffee”

Now what this statement does is cement in my mind the notion that it is 7:00 on Sunday Morning.
And while I am a bit surprised that there are actually half a dozen people on Facebook this early in the morning, I don’t give it much consideration because I have got this cold hollow feeling in my gut, and my mission has turned to one of procuring some FOOD!
I’m thinking Donuts, Ham and Egg Croissants, Pancakes!
And now its almost 8:00, and I promised the crazy church lady I would be at Sunday School this morning.
So I hop into the shower and get dressed.
I’m really hungry. After all , I haven’t eaten since I had those Relleno’s yesterday afternoon at 4:00.
I’M FRIGGIN’ STARVING TO DEATH JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!!!
I go into the kitchen to take my medicine. Oh my gosh! I didn’t take my meds last night, so I double up on my dosage this morning.
I think I even have time to go to IHOP and have a “Fat Boy Breakfast”. That will be so good, and then I’ll stop for donuts to take to Sunday School, and pick up more for my 10:00 NA Meeting.
I turn out lights, and get to the TV which has been on all night.
Huh...what is “Americas most Wanted” doing on at 8:00 on a Sunday morning?
“They must replay it” I think to myself as I turn the TV off.
I go to the door, step outside and turn to lock the door…
Theres something funny going on here, I sense it, and I turn to look at the sky…
My God in heaven! Its black as night out here! And then it dawns on me…I did not sleep all night. I slept maybe two hours.
Its 8:15 Saturday night and I’m all dressed up with no place to go and I forgot to get Susan Sarandon’s phone number.
I’m caught in that region known as the Twilight Zone.

"PLEASE DON'T GO STEVE, I WANT TO TIME WARP AGAIN"
(whenever you say, Susan, whenever you say)

CHRISTMAS ORANGES

I gotta get me some Christmas Spirit.

The Secretary brought me a basket of fruit. It had these little Oranges in it that she grew herself and wanted me to try. She was very proud of them, these little Oranges.

She said 'They are a little bit tart maybe".

I bit into one and made a bitter beer face and said "WHEW! They could make Listerine out of these!"

She laughed and said "You are a Chef; they must be good for something?"

You know what I said?

"Yeah, they are good for freshening up the garbage disposal!"

You should have seen her face. That hurt her feelings and now I'll be all week trying to make up for it.

I can be a real idiot sometimes.

Merry Christmas

499 DAYS

"We begin to see positive results from the decision we have made. We begin to notice changes. While the circumstances of our lives may not change, the way we deal with those circumstances does. Because we have made the decision to allow spiritual principles to work in our lives, we may notice a sense of relief. We are being relieved of a burden we’ve carried far too long: the need to control everything and everyone. We begin to react differently to the situations and people around us. As we gain acceptance, we cease to struggle against life on life’s terms. Striving to maintain and build on our surrender, we are better able to live and enjoy life in the moment."

SUMMER OF LOVE

I was the lead singer/songwriter for a band called "The Batmen" in 1967...

We had 4 songs, all to the tune of "Louie, Louie".

Our best song was called "Its Murder", all about homework and having to wear school clothes and things we thought we knew about girls and stuff.

They made me the lead singer, because I had a southern accent, which was unique as I lived in Detroit. We had moved there from Texas when I was in the first grade. My voice gave us a chillin' "Motown" sound, with just a touch of Hank Williams yodel, as my boyish voice was changing.

I played the Tamborine too, but the drummer he got all the chicks, except for Cathy, who was just a slut but I didn't care.

Hell, it was the Fourth Grade and I didn't even know what a slut was.

We had a gig in a basement one time, and someone turned out the lights and Cathy let me feel her breasts, 'cept she didn't really have any, but in the Fourth Grade, whats the difference?

After all, it was the Summer of Love, and like most rock stars of that era, I don't know how we lived through it.