Tuesday, January 26, 2016


"We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out."
Step Three, Narcotics Anonymous

Back around the year 2000 I had been doing a lot of drive offs after getting gas. I wasn’t making much money doing tile, and had a substance abuse problem. I did drive offs as a way to supplement my income. For the addict, if he can drive off with $25 worth of gas, that means he can buy $100 worth of dope, as long as he doesn't pay rent.
One day I just decided “Enough”.
I was way on the other side of town, with no money and no gas. So I started going to places that sold gas, and going inside, trying to beg for a couple dollars worth of gas from the attendant.
“I’ll be back tomorrow to repay you. I’ll leave you my DL” I’d say. I was going to get paid that night, if I could just get home. I meant to keep my word. Only God knows if I would have
I just needed to get home, and just for today, I wasn't going to steal gas.

Of course, no attendants spotted me any gas. They probably hear it all the time.
Turned away for the umpteenth time, I walked back to my truck and got in and put my head on the steering wheel.
“I’m not going to steal gas today” I said to myself.
Then there was a tap-tap-tap on the window. A black dude was standing there. He had heard me begging gas, and said it hadn’t been long since he had had to do the same.
He said “I can see by your clothes and truck you are a working man” and filled it up for me.

I wish I could say things got better for me and I stopped with the dope and never drove off on gas again. I cant. But for that one day I didn’t have to do what I usually did. It was years later I got better. Every now and then I get a chance to help someone and when I do I always think of that man that helped me that day.

But I didn't realize until last week this story is really about much more than kindness. Its very much connected to the day my sponsor and I worked the Third Step, and Jason and the Argonauts.This story is about making a decision to live in Gods will, and take the actions necessary to do so without worrying about the results. I didn't offer up a prayer so much that day as an action. I didnt really know anything about trusting God, but I decided I wasn't going to do whatever it took to get home, I was just going to do whatever it took to not steal gas.
That is a hell of a prayer, don't you think?

"Not stealing any gas today Sir, not doing any dope either"


SL said...

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase" - MLK Love this post Bullets!

bulletholes said...

Thanks Susan. I thought it was my best in a while. came to me in a meeting. I'd never considered the connection the story has with trusting a power greater than myself, or making a decision like in the 3rd step. I'd always just thought of it as being about kindness.