Friday, July 22, 2011


I've written before about how if I am at the grocery store, and a woman happens to glance in my general direction, that the first thought that enters my mind is that she wants me. I'm not the only man in the world to have this quirk.

My pal Mike does a post yesterday that reminds me of an incident soon after I got married. I was in a Home Depot, back in the 80's when Home Depot first got started. I used to like to go there and just walk around and look at the vast assemblage of hardwares and household projects and improvements, and dream of putting in a new fancy bathroom sink, or replacing the fence in the backyard, or organize my garage with their nifty accoutrements for the handyman.

Usually, I was tweaking, and could spend hours in there wondering how I'd look in a tool belt.

One day I was tweaking over in the gardening area by the petunias, and a woman came and stood beside me and smiled at me. I thought "Uh-oh, she wants me", and since I was newly married, I hustled my butt away from her over to the azaleas. I was looking over their selection of "Pink Ruffles" variety, when I looked up and there she was again! And she looked like she was maybe even going to say something to me! So I trucked back to the inside of the store, and went to the bathroom fixture area to check out a new medicine cabinet. I found a real nice one, wood with a beveled mirror and as I closed it shut the face of this scary lady appeared in the mirror.
I was being stalked in the Home Depot by some sexy scary home improvement diva!! Man, I was tweakin'!

So with my cart, I bolted the hell over to the light bulbs and picked up a couple 4 foot florescents I needed, then over to the tools where I grabbed a set of vise grips, and I paused to check out a drill press, when I looked to the end of the aisle and there she was again! She must have wanted me bigtime! I took off again, made the corner with two wheels of my cart all the way off the floor and headed to the paint department and grabbed a can of Kilz, a couple putty knives and some spackiling. I started for the front of the store and was going down a long lonely aisle when suddenly she appeared at the end of the aisle coming my way. I was trapped! Either I was going to have to turn around and run the other way, or be very brave and pass her head on!
As she approached, she was looking me right in the eye and I did my best not to get hypnotized by her look. She was pretty, and soft in all the right places and she had a lot of right places, and as we got closer she started to slow down and I started to speed up and now she was right there, I could almost smell her, and she stopped and said "Hello".

Oh my god! Well, I was newly married and I glanced into her sparkle eyes and mumbled "Good day to you ma'am, I'm sure" and hustled my butt straight to the front of the store where I parked my basket without bothering to check out and ran to my car in the parking lot and peeled the hell out of there.

This story has gotten to be way to long, so I'll try to wrap it up for you.
Two days later my bride and I went to a party, and we were over by the chips and dips when who should appear across the table but this Home Improvement Diva! I nearly choked on a pringle. She smiled and said hello to Mrs Bulletholes and I, and introduced us to her husband, who was a friend of my friend that hosted the party. It was then that I realized I had met her before at another party.
She said "I saw you at the Home Depot two days ago"
I said "Yes, I didn't recognize you'
She says "I kept trying to say hello but you kept running away".
I wasn't sure what to say, so I turned to Mrs Bullets and said "Honey, see how good I been being?"

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