I'll mend my wounds and wait out the winter...

j. mcmurtry

I WAS MOVING THE XMRS. Bulletholes, Yvette, last weekend.
She and her present day husband, sometimes referred to as the New and Improved Future XMrBulletholes have been separated since last Christmas.
Yvette had actually rented an apartment 4 doors down from me.
We really are good friends, and I was looking forward to having her as a neighbor and hopefully being invited for dinner several times a week, not because I imagine candlelight, wine and roses, but simply because while I may be a world class Chef, my cooking lately really stinks.
I am thoroughly disgusted with my own cooking.
I have eaten everything that I know how to cook.
I have been reduced to making Quesadillas on my Combination George Foreman Grill and Laundry Press.
But as bad luck would have it, when she went to get the key for the apartment and took a look inside, she found more than three roaches, which constitutes a swarm, and she went to the office and ripped her lease to shreds.
She will not abide no Roach, no sirree..
I wasn't just disappointed…I was terrified!...
...that with no place to move her to that I might be having her as a houseguest for some amount of time.
We are not that good of friends.
She made arrangements to move her stuff to storage and she will stay with her friend Tara.
She was unable to conjure up any friends or family to help with this move, so I helped her for the next 8 hours, and we finished up about 2A.M. in the morning.

It was during the move that I remembered back to a day 12 years ago that was one of the worst days I ever had.
She was moving her stuff from our house. “Her stuff” meant whatever she wanted of “Our stuff”.
If that were not bad enough, she had about 25 people helping her do it, mostly her family and a few of our friends.
I was not allowed to help that day.
So I sat in front of my Stereo and played really sad songs for her Uncle Chuck.
I think they probably paidhim extra for that.
As I watched I knew that in a few months I would be moving what was left, but that I would probably be doing it alone.
The only bright spot was when they told me some chick showed up that had the hots for me and caused a real scene.
I can't even remember her name, and besides that I wasn’t even there at the time.
But thats a whole 'nother show.

SECRETS, MOSTLY

It might interest and disgust you to know that I had a bout with bedbugs last year. I woke one morning to find my left leg had been almost chewed to the bone. I think I got them from my ex-wife, who was so appalled that she had them that she made me swear an oath for no one to know, and oath I've kept till just now, mostly.
It reminds me of the year of my own separation and the morning I went to jail for driving with a suspended license. I had been cruising my estranged soon-to-be-ex-wife's house in the middle of the night, looking for signs that my soon-to-be-ex-best friend might have been there. The cops pulled me over and took me to jail.
They had impounded my car, and informed me that since I had no money, I would be in jail for at least two weeks. That would add up to a considerable sum in storage fees for my piece of shit van.
So I called the ex from jail to see if she could get my van out for me. I did not expect she might post my bail. In fact, I was certain she would not.
Bear with me here....
In jail they will not let me keep my glasses for fear that I may make a shiv out of them or something. So as I looked out the little window later that day, I see the desk sergeant booking some gal wearing a bright purple blouse with an international Orange skirt and white fishnets. She looked like she might be a redhead, but it was all just a purplish orange bozo dreamsickle lookin' blob so I turned to my celly (That's what you call your room-mate in jail) and said
"THAT LOOKS LIKE MY DAMN WIFE!"
And then the desk Sergeant led her into the cell right across from mine and slammed the door shut. She was looking out her little window right at me, but I still couldn't tell for sure that it was her because I can't see shit without my glasses.
But when a blurry little hand came into her window and appeared to be waving at me while she looked at me, well, I turned to my celly and said
'THAT IS MY DAMN WIFE"
They threw her in jail for warrants when she came up to get the release for my van. Of course, my soon to be ex-best friend came and bailed her out PDQ.
She made me swear an oath to never tell anybody about that either.
I guess the cats are out of the bag now.
And those Bedbugs?
Things got better.
All I have are roaches now, mostly.

MY FIRST DRINK WAS

Cutty Sark, four fingers from a 6oz glass straight up, the summer after 9th grade.
I then tried to smoke waterbugs, thinking they were "just big 'ol roaches" and inflict myself upon Susan, who was spending the night with my sister. They tried to give me coffee my sister made, except she didnt know how to make coffee, and then they put me in the shower.
All this while my parents slept soundly.
I woke up the next morning, wet, covered in coffee grounds, with a black eye and a busted lip. I spent the next three days near death.

CUCKOO, CUCKOO

I don't know how I get on these lists, but thanks for the tag, Annelisa, I will do my best!!!
http://www.blogger.com/profile/32852503
How and why am I so weird? They want six examples...thanks for asking and lets take it from the top, shall we?

Boys will be boys
>I will Eat, Drink, Smoke and F*ck just about anything. Since I am so weird we will count that as “1”
I eat Ice Cream out of the carton with a fork, I like Graham Crackers dipped in Sprite, raw Eggs and Honey in Grapefriut Juice and have tried to smoke ground up Crickets as a substitute for Roaches. As for the F*ck part, you don’t even want to know.

It could save your life.
>I have not owned a car for 28 months.
I ride a bicycle or walk to work and to just about everywhere else I go. The last time I bought gas for myself it was 1.35 a gallon and I thought that was OUTRAGEOUS. It is not entirely by choice, but it is a freedom like I have never known. A MAJOR side effect of this is the fact that I have quit smoking without trying to quit. Its because of the bike- my body and mind rejected Cigarettes- over the period of 1 year I went from a pack a day to a pack a week... then a pack a month. I haven’t smoked a single cigarette in 6 weeks.

Sometimes dead is better
> I did not care if I ever worked again.
It was not long ago that I lived in a burned out Mobile Home without Water or Electricity for almost a year and a half. I did not eat for a week. I was situated between a Metal Scrap Yard, a Railroad track, a Race track, a Dynamite plant and three very angry German Shepherds. It was noisy, but I was lucky to be there. The rest of my life is Gravy.

Life= Time, Time= Space, Space=The Planets, Human = Race
> I am very good at random thought.
In the second grade we had an exercise where we were to draw lines between objects that matched like a Dog and a Doghouse, a hat and a pair of gloves and a hammer and a nail and a bat and a ball. I had no idea what they wanted me to do. To the point of tears. I realize now that there really were no wrong answers. I can think outside anyone’s box.

Higher Math
> I am very good at basic Math skills...
...but am too sensitive for Algebra, Geometry and whatnot. When you say “Let x=y” all I can think is that it is not fair.... to either of them.

Weird is as Weird Does
> The Checkout line at the Grocery store...
...with the Ex- Mrs Bulletholes. There is a magazine that says “THE 12 BEDROOM FANTASIES THAT HE WILL NEVER TELL YOU ABOUT”. I point it out to ex- Mrs Bulletholes and ask...
” What is this, part one?’
She is in a good mood and giggles. Then I say to no one in particular...
”Me? I can do 12 on one hand”.
She clobbered me.

The strangeness of this life cannot be measured... our faults and weaknesses and mistakes define and make us all the more magnificent.
And Annelisa, this was a blast!!! Thanks!!!
Do I win?
Hold the presses whileI tag young Davy, me boyo, me bucko, me Nephew, who may give me-o a run for the money-0!!!
http://theunderachieverparadox.blogspot.com/
Who else? Well the Grizzbabe is much too busyhttp://grizzbabesden.blogspot.com/
As is Ol' royhttp://www.kilroythegonzopapers.blogspot.com/
I always love the Ol' Lady; people are STRANGE!!!http://eclectictales.blogspot.com/
AND BARBARA IS NOT WEIRD AT ALL SO THAT MAKES HER PERFECT FOR THIS
http://www.blogger.com/profile/5665351
And there is Kissyface that I miss...Don't fall over/in/out there!!!http://beautifulcandy.blogspot.com/
Of course I am leaving one out that is on some kind of weirdo break;http://red-dirt-girl.blogspot.com/

So now I have learned to do this and maybe now I can set up some links for these my electronic Freinds.
oh, my other good friend that has been tagged and bagged her weird post already... already!!!
Are you ready, Mother of Invention??http://felinehangout.blogspot.com/