Tuesday, April 29, 2008


I FORGOT TO FINISH THIS ONE...conclusion to follow

A lady found a Masterpiece in the trash 4 years ago. She said "I knew it had Power"
It is now worth One Million Dollars.

When I was in the 5th Grade, Greg, Dave and I used to do a little trash pickin'.
Sometimes we would find old skates that could be turned into skateboards.
Sometimes we would find an old Baseball glove, or Basketball Hoop or even a Guitar with most of its strings.
But the real Trophy Trash was the Playboy Magazine.
And when you found one, you usually found about a dozen more right with it. some of them would probably be worth a lot of money today.
We would drool over the pictures and giggle over the cartoons, pretending we knew what was so funny.
We knew they had power.

Dave was in my Art Class at School and we did Pottery one week. I molded my clay and was just about to slide my creation into the Kiln when it caught Mrs. McGuilligotcha's eye.
"One moment Mr. Bulletholes, what is that you have there"
"Its a Rabbit"
"Let me see that" and she took my Rabbit.
She surveyed my Bas-Relief Rabbit with the Bow-Tie and Cocked Ear while I put on my most innocent face.

"That IS NOT a Rabbit"
she said as she turned my little Playboy Logo into a lump of clay "Do something else."
I was dyin' to say
"What d'ya mean "not a Rabbit"?"
but she was givin' me that look that says
"Thin Ice ahead, keep your trap shut!"

"Damn, that was beautiful " Dave whispered to me as I started to fashion my next little project.
"Wait'll ya get a load of this..." I whispered back, having forgotten all about the thin ice.

The Conclusion…I remembered back to the January 1967 issue of Playboy, the one with Jayne Mansfield and the great interview with Fidel Castro that we had found in the trash.
But I was more interested in the centerfold girl Surraye Marsh.
Mrs. McGilligotcha had squashed my Rabbit, but now I was working on my masterpiece, a Mermaid.
It was making my mouth water.
The long flowing hair, the slender waist giving way to a well rounded derriere and those hips…
But what was critical were the breasts in my Sculpture; it was the breasts that would make or break it…especially the nipples.
A Mermaid!
What a splendid idea!
A Mermaid!
Could there be any subject more suited to an Artist?
Combining Myth with Reality, Hans Christian Anderson with Rodin, I would probably win a prize for this one!
A Mermaid!
She was gorgeous, she was built …she was the most fantastic piece of ass you’ve ever laid eyes on.

And I hope that you aren’t too disappointed to find that I did not Sculpt this anatomically correct specimen of femininity in my 6th Grade Art class.
I put the finishing touches to her and placed her lovingly on my Smoked Salmon display.
She was made of Cream Cheese, and I was no longer a 5th Grade Art Student, but a Garde-Manger at a nice Hotel and I became famous for my Cream Cheese Mermaids.
Every time I made one, I thought about Dave, I thought about that bunny, and I thought about Mrs. MacGilligotcha.

No, I didn't make a mermaid in Mrs. MacGilligotcha's Art class, but damn...
I wish I had!


Old Lady said...

That brings back a very fond memory for me. I'll save it for a blog.

Dave Mows Grass said...

I'd eat a Fidel Castro if it was carvedd from cream cheeze. Love that stuff!

soubriquet said...


Ah well, sigh. I'll have to imagine then..... WOW!!!!

GEWELS said...

Can you make one for my son's wedding? That will go perfectly with the drag queen showgirls and "Elvis"

steve said...

oL LADY- Thanks for the Mammaries!

Davy- Try a Yuk Sandwich-Cream Cheese and Avacado and alflfa Sprouts...i love cream Cheese too.

Souby- just think page 3...

Gewels- I'd love to make one for your son; I'll need a madel...any volunteers?

Barbara said...

Wish you had some pictures to share! I think a cream cheese mermaid in Las Vegas would be a damn good wedding present!

Anonymous said...
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rdg said...

Cowboy! Cowboy!

You had me going the WHOLE WAY ... I really thought you were this 5th grade artistic genius !!

But NOW .....I want to know just HOW MANY of the sweet, little creamy cheesed mermaids did you eat ???



steve said...

Barb-I bet I could have me a time in Vegas...
RDG-Didn't relly eat that many, but I licked quite a few from stem to stern. Gotta watch for bones.
did I really just say all that?

Mother of Invention said...

What a hoot! Is that teacher still alive? You gotta find her and send one to the nursing home! What a surprise she'd get at lunch time in the dining room!

Can you make it from Light or ultra-light cream cheese??!!!