Monday, July 07, 2008

How do you stop a Rhino from charging?

A Nutria

For my kids...
They suffered through this one aplenty

and Gewels for her help in deciding to write another real true story post

Years ago, I discovered a brand new species of animal. It had the head of a goat, the body of a lion, wings like an Eagle and a tail like a beaver. I found it swimming amongst the Nutria on Pat Boone Bay at Toledo Bend Resevoir.
Bored with the fish not biting, I had taken to chucking rocks at the many Nutria that swam lazily just offshore. About the size of a Cocker Spaniel, Nutria were rodents imported from south America in order to keep Aquatic Vegetation from taking over East Texas Lakes. They are not much to look at, resembling large drowning Rats, at but are not nearly as obtrusive as say, a Hippopotamus.

As I took aim my last thoughts were "That is one big ugly Mothertrucker of a Nutria" and my rock splashed noisily beside him.
Imagine my surprise when the beast sprouted wings and flew away, circling back one time to take a good long look at me.
The head of a Goat, the body of a lion, wings like an Eagle and a tail like a beaver! It was almost biblical!
I asked a few of the locals had they ever seen any such but all I got was mumbled replies as they pulled their whiskers and ambled away...
The body of a Lion I say!
Well, I knew what had to be done. I got on the phone to Marlin Perkins over at Wild Kingdom. He said he was too old for such like, and that John was out hunting Albino Gorillas in the Everglades but he had a couple young guys he would send....
The Kratt Brothers arrived the next day with an 18 Wheeler full of gear. They had their Secretary, a well educated Lemur that could type 100 words a minute with her infant son Zoobumafoo. As I recall she was quite a gal, played a mean game of Bridge, and a real good cook.

Any way they set up nets on land and in the water and buzzed around on Hydroplanes and generally tuned my little camp into a 3-Ring Walmart.
They never did find the creature I described, but had no doubt that it did exist because I have such an honest face and they were kind enough to give me a years worth of Mutual of Omahas Basic Term Life Insurance, a $6000 Benefit, which would have been just enough to bury me back then should that biblical looking creature have come back for me.
I always thought that was just real nice.


Dave Mows Grass said...

I wish they'd get the Hippos. This is brilliant, Steve. Keep them coming!

GEWELS said...

Did you slip yourself some of that acid that I think Barbara used during her medical testing?

GrizzBabe said...

Is this really a true story? Or a tall tale? Regardless, it was very entertaining!

steve said...

Hippos would be pretty cool...and they make a fine meal. I've had Hippo!

Me and Barbara trippin'? that would be...a trip.

aw are a sweetie...the first version of this story I told to the future Ex mrs. bulletholes before we were even Dating...she believed it, so now you too have stolen my heart.
It evolved into something bigger after the kids were born and at present this is the tallest version of this tale!

Barbara said...

It would be a good trip, don't you think? This is what I call a fanciful imagination, otherwise known as a tall tale, otherwise known as a bedtime story. But life insurance??? Surely they could have gifted you with something better than that!

Welcome back to the Blog world, my friend. Someday maybe we can at least share a bottle of good wine if not something more hallucinogenic! Gewels can join our party too, OK?

Mother of Invention said...

You're such a lovable nut bar! I love "Three-ring Walmart"!

Thanks for the visit, you "odd poster"!

steve said...

Barb and Mom-Good to see ya'll again!

walter wardlow said...

as you were; in the south and especially in texas we correctly refer to the "civil war" as the "war of northern aggression".

steve said... was "The Night They Drove Ol' Dixie Down"...
Say, you ain't one of these numbskulls that thinks "The South's Gonna Do it Again" are you?

"lets just get one thing straight here before you get on my wrong side... (another James stewart Quote)You run a sad kinda train, Mister, one that takes people where they don't wanna go and won't bring e'em back when they're ready"
Shenandoah, a movie set during the time of the War Between the States.

leslie said...

Take away his credit cards!