MY CRYSTAL BALL

HE THINKS I TOOK HIS CAR BECAUSE OF A FORTUNE COOKIE

I am just coming off a season where the Cat has my Tongue. I think it has something to do with the Rip (MY SON) having graduated high school 2 months ago and I am having Pseudo Post-Partum Allergic Reaction…Both kids are out of school and I’m middle aged and dumb as ever.

Complicating matters is the fact that the Rip has announced
"I do not want a job…I will not conform to the corporate American Bullshit”

I said
"What you mean to say is “Corporate Global Bullshit”, but that’s beside the point, boy. I used to say the same thing, but I was working 2 jobs.
Give me MY car keys. You can conform to that. You will find it is far nobler to take a job, and pocket the $300 a week it will provide than it is to SPONGE off of your mother, father and friends who are CONFORMING their fingers to the fucking bone”

Of course he said
‘How am I going to get a job without a car”
and I gave him a withering look because I just finished going for 3 and a half years without a car.
Then I bought one and gave it to him witrh the stipulation that he get a job. . After he realized what a stupid and obviously flawed question he asked, he gave me a sheepish look and said
‘Oh yeah…you “

I gave the car back to him three weeks ago, saying
"you have two weeks to find a job".

I am sad to report that these three weeks passed and that I took the car back again last night while we had dinner at Uncle Yang’s Royal Thai House.

You want to know what his fortune cookie said? Hmmm?

"Do the right thing and your possession will return to you within the month"

He is a good kid.
He will find his way.

THE FACE

TIBETAN SINGING BOWLS/ I'M YOUR BOOGIE MAN

I can remember chasing her through the house, each of us on a tricycle, through the Kitchen, into the living room and past the Dining room table where Mom and Dad were laughing at us.
I don't think we got to do that but once, at least I can't imagine our parents letting us do that often, but it was sure fun.
I can remember Ballroom dancing with her when I was 6 and she was 4 at the Whittier Hotel in Detroit to 'The Girl From Ipanewa" holding her in the classic fashion as we worked our extended arms up and down like we were priming a pump.
The next year we waited expectantly, both with the Measles, for them to deliver our copy of the Soundtrack to "Mary Poppins" to the door.
On weekends there was the ever-present Jigsaw Puzzle set up in the living Room and she and I would fly around the room, waving our arms about to the strains of Herb Alpert, Dean martin and Andy Williams.
But things changed fast when we discovered "The Monkees" then "More of the Monkees" and finally "More of More of the Monkees".

"HeyHey we're the Monkees"!

I remember a few years later she and her friends that would spend the night would be singing "Those were the Days my Friend" in these odd Cabaret-ish voices. I did not know what a Cabaret was, but it struck me as an odd song for a bunch of 4th Graders to be singing.
And when they kicked in with "Gypsies Tramps and Thieves" I thought it was totally inappropriate.
I wonder even today if they knew what they were singin' about.

I kind of lost track of her when she started hangin' up the Bobby Sherman posters.
I was busy hanging up Black Sabbath album covers.



In the late 70's, my sister always had KC and the Sunshine Band playin’…
uh-huh,uh-huh...
Then she got into Meatloaf, that was pretty edgy for her.

I get a call from her 3 weeks ago...
‘Guess who my favorite band is now” she says.
“Um, George Michael” I said
“no”
“Must be Clay Aiken" I try.
“No”
‘How “bout Nelly Furtado”
“Nope”
‘Well, Face, (that’s my pet name for her) I’m going to have give up because I can’t think of any music that sucks any worse.”
"Well, Freak (her pet name for me) YOUR LITTLE SISTER HAS DISCOVERED METALLICA…I AM A RABID METALLICA FAN!!!”

I nearly fainted, but managed to ask her
“Rabid Metallica Fan, Huh?
Is there any other kind?”

She has one of the most diversified and Eclectic collection of CD's you've ever laid eyes on. last year it was the blues. The year before, New Age.
Next year it will probably be the Gamelan.
Davy will no doubt take this up before long.

"In Javanese mythology, the gamelan was created by Sang Hyang Guru in Saka era 167 (c. AD 230), the god who ruled as king of all Java from a palace on the Maendra mountains in Medangkamulan (now Mount Lawu). He needed a signal to summon the gods, and thus invented the gong. For more complex messages, he invented two other Gongs, thus forming the original gamelan set."

A NIGHT ON THE TOWN PART 2

"Im counting on you Lord, please don't let me down"
j. joplin

"Yes I'm drunk but damn you're ugly
Tell you one thing yes I will
Tomorrow morning I'll be sober
You'll be just as ugly still"
j.mcmurtry

While I was Pussyfootin' around with the two "Cockblockers", I also saw a girl that I THOUGHT I KNEW (scuse me) from a Sunday School class I attended a few times two years ago….but if it were her, she would have to have lost about 50 pounds and suddenly become quite foxy. The more I looked at her, the more I was sure it was her.
Of course Laura urges me to go and talk to her.
I approach her and say
“I don’t recall your name, but it seems to me you were in my Sunday school class a few years back.”
A blank stare and frown back at me.
"No" She says "I've never seen you"
"You do go to Sunday School ?" I offer.
'Y-y-Yes" she stammers back.
'Down at the Methodist Church on the corner?" I ask.
'How do you know that? She looks like she might run, or call for help, fearing for her safety

I can see that she thinks I am either trying to pick her up, or have been stalking her and plan to put her in my trunk someday...
I'm thinking if I can show that I know more about her it will put her at ease, and she will remember me.

" I don’t remember your name but you were in that Singles class and I saw you buying wine coolers at the store one time and you were embarrassed about that... and you sold Avon and you lived on Shady Lane and your house is for sale…and..."
Then I remember it all and I can't help it...
"your husband had left you and he not only left you but had become really mentally abusive and had really slammed you hard, and you were sad, and it was a real bad time for you, and you never smiled…"

It didn't work.
Apparently I am not as unforgetable and charming as I may think I am.
I can tell she not only thinks I am trying to be an ass but that maybe I know all this about her because I am the Devils Imp and she would rather I leave and so I move a little closer to her and whispered in my most caring and affectionate voice;
‘I just want you to know that compared to when I met you back then , you have become a very attractive and pretty young woman. I just think you should know that”
And I turned to walk away, but...

Well, that was what it took…she smiled…beamed…at me and I’ve never felt better about saying anything to anyone in my life. She said she had lost 80 pounds.
I didn’t mention to her that her Acne had cleared as well.
She came over and talked to me and Laura for a bit. I noticed also that when she was not making an effort to smile that her face would go into this semi permanent frown for a few seconds….I hope she loses that entirely.

And as I left, I interjected myself between her and some guy, looked him in the eye and said
"Its only out of respect for you that I don't ask for her number" and gave her a wink.
She beamed again.
When I left there I felt like the Green Knight, Galahad and Sir Lancelot all rolled into one.

After writing this post...I feel a bit like an asshole, putting so much on personal appearances.
But there it is.

Anyway, its always so nice to be able to say something nice, something true to somebody isn’t it?

A NIGHT ON THE TOWN PART 1

"Oh Lord, won'cha buy me a night on the town..."
j.joplin

With both kids now out of school I was feeling a bit down…

"got an idea tell you what we do
lets go to that place out past the Turtle Bayou
maybe get lucky, maybe get shot,
couldn't be more than half the trouble i got"
j.mcmurtry

But I’ve been having a lot of fun lately ….went to a bar with my friend Laura last night and got pretty drunk. Drunk enough to approach the prettiest two women in the bar. They were all dolled up and sat at the Bar as though they probably rented those stools 6 nights a week and spent all their energy turning guys away
“Cockblocking” I think they call it.
These two looked like butter wouldn’t melt in their mout.

Anyway, I went over there and asked one if I might “bum” a cigarette as I don’t ordinarily smoke, but would like one anyway.
They both looked at me as if I were a bug. The brunette coolly pulled one from her pack while the Blonde looked me up and down in complete disatisfaction and I went back to my stool, talking to Laura and watching them turn men away.
Laura kept teasing me to go talk to them and try to get a phone number, and we laughed at the lines I came up with to try on them.

As we were leaving, I told Laura to “check this out”. She followed me towards the door and I paused at the Bar and slowly pressed myself in between the two girls I got the Cigarette from. The dark haired one looked at me like ‘What are you doing in my space” and so I whispered to her in my deepest, manliest, sexiest voice:
“‘Thanks for that cigarette…it really took my breath away”
and kinda wrinkled my nose at her.
Her Blonde friend just busted out laughing, slappping the top of the counter and wiping a tear from her eye.
‘Thanks for the cigarette…it really took my breath away” she repeated back and looked at me like I'd made her night.

I'm not usually that slick but....
Yeah, that was pretty good.

LOST IN THE BACKYARD

I said "this is the last time"
A few times ago
But once more it's happened
And that's all in the world I know
I still hear the echo
When you hung up the phone
I feel like I'm lost in the back yard
Just trying to get home.

I woke up in a strange world
I can aptly describe
It's like the streets of a town where I lived
When I was too young to drive
It all looks so Familiar
But I can't find my way
I must have got lost in the back yard
When I went out to play

Don't open my eyes
To nothing like truth
Just leave it all lost in the wind
Let it hide in the blindness of youth
The facts of the matter
Most likely will always remain
And I guess I'll be lost in the back yard
Till I get home again

j. mcmurtry

THE WIND BEGAN TO SWITCH

THE HOUSE, TO PITCH...

Hey...
Anyone remember this one?
I never did finish the series and write about Dorothy.

Dorothy...She said she had a Hard-Scrabble Soul; the Ruby-Slippered One, my Rubber-Band Girl, the woman from DHRT, A Poiny-Toed Specialist First-Class, our Over-the Rainbow, Bars in the Window Bluebird looking to fly... to fly...home.

WE ARE THE WIZARDS

"Pay no attention that that Man behind the curtain!"

Then in a diminished voice...
"The great and powerful... Oz...has... spoken"


Toto pulled the curtain all the way back to reveal a tired old man, hunched over and pulling the levers that controlled the fearful image, the smoke and booming voice that had left Dorothy and her companions so full of awe and dread. The charade and masquerade now over, Dorothy voiced her reproach.
"You are a very bad man"
The poor man shamefully, humbly, offered her this:
"Oh no, no, no dear, I am a very good man, just a ...very bad... Wizard."

So ladies, you might cut us a little slack sometimes when we try to be things we are'nt. Aren't. 'Aint.

I hate to say it but I am going to...if I have learned anything, fellow Wizards, its that you better listen to the ladies in your life. They just seem to be more human than we are and they are right about what you ought to do. They have our best interests in mind ALL THE TIME.

I don't know Citizen H real well, but I would nominate him for the Coroner here in Oz. To quote Alice Cooper;
"My shots are clean and my... shots are fine".
If you are fuckin' around, he'd just as soon shoot you. I imagine him to be a good shot.
As in Real Damn Good.
You know where the Citizen stands, and like the Coroner, his decisions are final. I keep waiting for some fish stories to come out of his kayaking adventures.

Soubriquet, whom we have not seen in these parts recently, I think we will call him the Farm Hand Hickory, I believe Hickory was building a wind machine and is the Scarecrows Kansian counterpart. Soubriquet has taken to giving us lots of Video Tech, and I miss his rambling stories. He is a parcel of information, but in between the Grit of his Gears I sense a tender Tin Mans touch.
Somewhere they will erect a Statue for Souby.

Rods Duck Farm is truly unique and I go there to see what wordplay nonsense he may be up to.
I would call him Uncle Henry and 'A Horse of a Different Color" and I believe in the book series there was a duck character (not these) which would be right up his alley. "Lonesome Duck" from the 13th Book is described "The feathers were of many hues of glistening greens and blues and purples, and it had a yellow head with a red plume, and pink, white and violet in its tail."
Rod is a "Man of the Cloth" and would tell you that the only real Wizard was nailed to a cross.

My nephew Dave I'm going to nominate as 'The Lollipop Guild" because of the way he sings and dances (I have never seen or heard him do either) but have you got a load of that mug of his? Dave also would qualify as professor T.E. Woggle-Bug from the books, who hid himself in a Schoolhouse and became educated. Dave is the personification of the idea that you can "observe a lot just by watching". Dave was raised by two of the smartest folks you would ever want to know.
Daves humor is so understated that he might skate right bayou. He plays a helluva bagpipe.
I got my eye on you, boy!

At last we come to David, who draws conclusions and I was tempted to do an entire page to him, but if you have beeen around these parts for long you may note that on occasion I find his posts so worthwhile I defer my own to him. I would imagine this will occur regularly, such a Wizard is he. He raises very smart Topics and Tags and Subjects and always gets very intelligent comments, right up to where I throw my 2 cents in.
Remember Professor Marvel? David is like Professor Marvel, who told Dorothy her future after rumaging through her knapsack to get her vitals. 'Reaching into the infinite" he called it and that is what David does. He reaches into the infinite!

Me? I am the Guard that tells Dorothy and her companions to go away.... then breaks down into a flood of tears after hearing their story and lets them into the Emerald City.
He says "I had an Auntie Em myself once."
I am a sucker for a Broken Heart.

MANS BEST FRIEND

She just brings out the Devil in me.

"I had Fleas...well my apartment did...does...and I started getting allergic reactions to the little bastards....enough that as I pulled into the parking lot I would start itching and barking.
So I went to the Pharmacist and asked if it was OK to use dog soap on yourself.
They said "NO!"
And I said "Too late"
so don't anybody out there try it

.Anyway, at the Vet they put me in a cage and called MHMR..."

WOOF!

HEY!
WHILE WE ARE THINKING DOGS, GIVE A QUIET LITTLE BARK TO THE BIG DOG IN THE SKY FOR DUFF, LOYAL FRIEND TO OUR BUD KISSYFACE, DUFF HAS BEEN FEELING POORLY AND AS I HAVE JUST LEARNED, APPEARS TO BE FARING BADLY.
KISSYFACE IS FARING POORLY REGARDING THIS SO...AS THAY SAY AT SUNDAY SCHOOL, LETS LIFT HER ON UP TOO!

How do you stop a Rhino from charging?

A Nutria

For my kids...
They suffered through this one aplenty
and Gewels for her help in deciding to write another real true story post


Years ago, I discovered a brand new species of animal. It had the head of a goat, the body of a lion, wings like an Eagle and a tail like a beaver. I found it swimming amongst the Nutria on Pat Boone Bay at Toledo Bend Resevoir.
Bored with the fish not biting, I had taken to chucking rocks at the many Nutria that swam lazily just offshore. About the size of a Cocker Spaniel, Nutria were rodents imported from south America in order to keep Aquatic Vegetation from taking over East Texas Lakes. They are not much to look at, resembling large drowning Rats, at but are not nearly as obtrusive as say, a Hippopotamus.

As I took aim my last thoughts were "That is one big ugly Mothertrucker of a Nutria" and my rock splashed noisily beside him.
Imagine my surprise when the beast sprouted wings and flew away, circling back one time to take a good long look at me.
The head of a Goat, the body of a lion, wings like an Eagle and a tail like a beaver! It was almost biblical!
I asked a few of the locals had they ever seen any such but all I got was mumbled replies as they pulled their whiskers and ambled away...
The body of a Lion I say!
Well, I knew what had to be done. I got on the phone to Marlin Perkins over at Wild Kingdom. He said he was too old for such like, and that John was out hunting Albino Gorillas in the Everglades but he had a couple young guys he would send....
The Kratt Brothers arrived the next day with an 18 Wheeler full of gear. They had their Secretary, a well educated Lemur that could type 100 words a minute with her infant son Zoobumafoo. As I recall she was quite a gal, played a mean game of Bridge, and a real good cook.

Any way they set up nets on land and in the water and buzzed around on Hydroplanes and generally tuned my little camp into a 3-Ring Walmart.
They never did find the creature I described, but had no doubt that it did exist because I have such an honest face and they were kind enough to give me a years worth of Mutual of Omahas Basic Term Life Insurance, a $6000 Benefit, which would have been just enough to bury me back then should that biblical looking creature have come back for me.
I always thought that was just real nice.

GREAT WRESTLING MOVES

WORK BEST JUST BEFORE OR JUST AFTER THE BELL

THE VERTICAL SUPLEX SLAM!