I GAINED A POUND

After two weeks of my diet I went and weighed in with that nice soft smart woman, my Nutritionist. I gained a pound. but that's OK, because the have been single days that I have gained 5 pounds after going on a binge. And I didn't binge this last two weeks, not until the last night before weigh in. The Nutritionist asked me what happened and I explained:



"Wow, man, Doc, I don't know what came over me. Whatever signal the brain gives that says I'm full just didn't happen. It began at lunch when I had a Chef Salad and a piece of garlic bread. Within 15 minutes I was starving to death, so had a glass of water and two rice cakes. 20 minutes after that and my belly was growling, so I had 2 pears, a granola bar and a can of Tuna. I managed to get through work on that, but on the way home Sonic was calling my name for a Malt and Burger and Tater-tots, but just kept a beeline straight to my apartment where I blackened a couple-of-few pork chops"
She stopped me "A coupla-what?"
"A couple-of-few"
'Whats a "Couple-of-few" she asked.
"About seven."
I think my Nutritionist, after I thought I had offended her our first meeting, I think maybe she is starting to get me. She was laughing out loud now and says:
"You ate seven pork Chops?"
"Might have been eight, I don't know, I was out of control, and still dyin' for that Sonic Malt, Burger and Tater Tots. but I managed Doc, I managed, I admitted I was powerless and turned to my Higher Power to restore me to sanity. And so in order to keep from walking out that door and going to Sonic I did the only thing left to do....
"Which was?"
"I took off all my clothes, I stripped down to nuthin', grabbed a book and sat on the couch, bare-beamed and buck naked and read "Love in the Time of Cholera" knowing full well that as long as I didnt get dressed I would be OK"

Well, she's crackin' up pretty bad now, enough that my Doctor, the one with the one happy eye and the loppyjaewed other eye, he sticks his head in the door and I have to tell the whole story again.
'Are you the guy that drove his motorcycle into the lobby out there a couple of years ago?" he asked.
"No, Doc" I replied "I'm the guy that rode his bicycle 6 miles to get here and collapsed in the lobby from diabetic shock. I'll never forget doc, you put me on the couch and said you wanted me to go to the Emergency Room and I said "I don't think I can make it any further on my bike" and you insisted that I not even try and called the ambulance. I liked you ever since Doc"

So anyway, this is what happened at my second Nutritionist appointment where I gained a pound.

THE NUTRITIONIST

I finally surrendered to my doctor and took an appointment with a Nutritionist in order that I might get shed of a few pounds.
She was a nice soft blonde haired woman with a Masters Degree in Nutrition and I really wish I didn't have such a big mouth.
I sat next to her in her office and she asked me a series of questions about my eating habits, which I answered in as entertaining a fashion as I could muster.
But her last question, its the one i wish I could take back my answer.
"How much weight would you like to lose Mr. Bulletholes? she politely asks.
"Well, back before I quit smoking and using dope I weighed about 250 pounds. It would be good to get back to that"
"Thats only 18 pounds Mr. Bulletholes, you can do better than that"
"Well, back when I weighed 235, I felt pretty good. I didn't have to hold my breath to tie my shoes,"
"That would be 33 pounds Mr. Bulletholes" she replied.
I wasn't sure if I had set a good enough goal; I didn't want her to think I was some kind of slacker, so I had to push it.
I rolled up one of my sleeves and made a muscle with my bicep, and with my other hand I pointed to my muscle and announced in my stupidest hillbilly voice;
(And boy howdy do I have a stupid hillbilly voice, lemme' tell you whut)
"Check it out Doc....Back when I weighed 215, I was a STUD, for real, for real"
She barely looked up.
She just kind of whispered 'Okee-Dokee" to herself.
And she didn't even bother to add up what the weight loss total would be.
God I say some stupid shit.

HEALTH UPDATE

You may recall last year I hired a Nutritionist and she gave me a diet to follow.

But ya know what? This ol’ addict loves to eat, and eating is the only vice I have left.
No dope, no cigarettes, no ‘Yum-Yum” so I take it out on food, and all the Nutritionists in the world can't help that.

Then back in May, I finally took another suggestion my doctor gave me (because I have learned to take suggestions) and joined a gym. But it only took a few weeks to figure out that somewhere down the line I had rotator cuff damage.
Haha! There went $30,000, and now I’m not supposed to lift more than 5 pounds or get within 20 feet of a treadmill.

But you know what?

I finally waited long enough that this is going to pay off for me.
The doctor is actually paying me to lose weight!
You heard right, he is PAYING ME to lose weight!
I am in a study, and taking some untested little blue pill.

God, I love big pharmacy!
God, how I love this country!

Of course, if I lose 30 pounds and then my dick falls off, whats the use?

THE NUTRITIONIST PART THREE

She called me Monday to confirm our appointment on Tuesday.
'How have you been Mr. Bullets?"
"Doc, I hate to say it but I think I gained weight again"
'Thats not good"
"Nope".

The reason I told her I might have gained weight was because even though for one week I had played tennis twice, gone dancing twice and played two hours worth of softball, the last week I had done nothing but walk from the car to the couch.
But when I weighed at the scheduled appointment I was surprised to find I had lost 4 pounds!
Four pounds!
I was so excited that I gave her a high five, and they had to recheck my blood pressure.

After I consult with her for thirty minutes, the Doctor always comes in and consults with me. He was right pleased I had lost weight, and my blood pressure checked good on the re-check, and he asked about my diabetes numbers, which also looked good.
'Have you had a Testosterone Test?" he asked.
"No doc, do I need one?"
'Well, if you are low on testosterone, sometimes that can affect your blood sugar, and if we get those levels corrected we could possibly reduce your diabetes medicine."
"Well how about that doc!" says I "And maybe that would explain why Mr. Happy ain't as happy as he used to be" and I pointed down to my crotch.

I've told you about Dr. Strznik before. He has that loppy-jawed Jack Elam eye, and the one happy eye, and I always manage to crack him up. His eyes started this chameleon spin thing they do and he chuckles and leaned back in his chair and says "Are you having trouble with your erection Bulletholes?"
"Well Doc, its hard to say because I haven't really needed one in some time now, because I just seem to be better off by myself these days. But I can tell you that when I am by myself, things just aren't the same as when I was a little boy, if you know what I mean. In fact they aren't the same as about a year ago."
"Well, Bullets, would you like something to help fix that?"
"I don't know Doc. Do guys come in here and get that stuff just so they can have a better time..well...you know... a better time all by themselves?"

And ol' Doc Strznik, he just busted out laughin' and his eyes we're doing that kaleidoscope thing and he says;
"Probably so, but none of them ever do say so".

CELEBRATE AND HAVE GOOD TIMES COME ON!

I have a gallon of milk and a chocolate cake. I'm celebrating the last day of my diet. After 4 months of improving my dietary choices significantly, and trying to excercise more, including walking 30 minutes a day for 5 days last week, I have GAINED 2 pounds.
I'm tired of getting beat up by my Nutritionist twice a month at $25 a visit.
I think Gods will is pretty clear here.

Fat and Happy baby!
Fat and Happy!