Monday, March 14, 2011


I finally surrendered to my doctor and took an appointment with a Nutritionist in order that I might get shed of a few pounds.
She was a nice soft blonde haired woman with a Masters Degree in Nutrition and I really wish I didn't have such a big mouth.
I sat next to her in her office and she asked me a series of questions about my eating habits, which I answered in as entertaining a fashion as I could muster.
But her last question, its the one i wish I could take back my answer.
"How much weight would you like to lose Mr. Bulletholes? she politely asks.
"Well, back before I quit smoking and using dope I weighed about 250 pounds. It would be good to get back to that"
"Thats only 18 pounds Mr. Bulletholes, you can do better than that"
"Well, back when I weighed 235, I felt pretty good. I didn't have to hold my breath to tie my shoes,"
"That would be 33 pounds Mr. Bulletholes" she replied.
I wasn't sure if I had set a good enough goal; I didn't want her to think I was some kind of slacker, so I had to push it.
I rolled up one of my sleeves and made a muscle with my bicep, and with my other hand I pointed to my muscle and announced in my stupidest hillbilly voice;
(And boy howdy do I have a stupid hillbilly voice, lemme' tell you whut)
"Check it out Doc....Back when I weighed 215, I was a STUD, for real, for real"
She barely looked up.
She just kind of whispered 'Okee-Dokee" to herself.
And she didn't even bother to add up what the weight loss total would be.
God I say some stupid shit.


West Texas Insomniac said...

Let me know how it goes. I need to knock off about 50. I saw Mike Tyson on his new Animal Planet show and he looks f***ing great! He went vegan. I don't think I could pull that off. A good friend lost 50 in 52 weeks with a daily 1000 - 1200 calorie intake. We're sedentary creatures and I eat like a bodybuilder sometimes...Good luck, brother.

AnitaNH said...

I went from 275 to 150 in about 14 months without counting calories or joining a gym. Here's how I did it:
1. Eliminated all foods containing high fructose corn syrup.
2. Stopped drinking coffee ( I averaged 6 cups a day with half & half).
3. Walked at least 5 days a week for one hour per day.

I am still extremely religious about 1. and 2. I think HFC is one of the worst poisons known to man. It makes you feel hungrier the more you eat of it.

This winter I have not been walking at all (I gave up ice cream to compensate) but have managed to keep my weight to under 175 and I know that extra 25 will easily come off as soon as I start walking again.

I should also mention that I avoid fast food and soda.

SL said...

Hmmm, sticking your foot in your mouth does make it difficult to eat. Mr. Bulletholes, you may have just discovered the secret to lasting weight loss!

bulletholes said...

Hey Tex! 1200 calories? That aint happenin'. I'm hoping I can care about myself enough to cme in at 2000.

Anita, thats relly great! My friend Robin, she lost about 150 pounds and she stays after me to play tennis with her, and she always asks me if I'm drinking water and is generally a pain in the neck, but she lost 150 and I have to respect that, and she is nice and really pretty too. She wants me to walk but I'm not much of a wealker. I've done #1 for some time now or else I'd be dead.
I'm sure my Nutritionist is going to take my diet sodas away soon, especially when she see's my little food diary I been keeping.

Hi Susan!