Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I GAINED A POUND

After two weeks of my diet I went and weighed in with that nice soft smart woman, my Nutritionist. I gained a pound. but that's OK, because the have been single days that I have gained 5 pounds after going on a binge. And I didn't binge this last two weeks, not until the last night before weigh in. The Nutritionist asked me what happened and I explained:



"Wow, man, Doc, I don't know what came over me. Whatever signal the brain gives that says I'm full just didn't happen. It began at lunch when I had a Chef Salad and a piece of garlic bread. Within 15 minutes I was starving to death, so had a glass of water and two rice cakes. 20 minutes after that and my belly was growling, so I had 2 pears, a granola bar and a can of Tuna. I managed to get through work on that, but on the way home Sonic was calling my name for a Malt and Burger and Tater-tots, but just kept a beeline straight to my apartment where I blackened a couple-of-few pork chops"
She stopped me "A coupla-what?"
"A couple-of-few"
'Whats a "Couple-of-few" she asked.
"About seven."
I think my Nutritionist, after I thought I had offended her our first meeting, I think maybe she is starting to get me. She was laughing out loud now and says:
"You ate seven pork Chops?"
"Might have been eight, I don't know, I was out of control, and still dyin' for that Sonic Malt, Burger and Tater Tots. but I managed Doc, I managed, I admitted I was powerless and turned to my Higher Power to restore me to sanity. And so in order to keep from walking out that door and going to Sonic I did the only thing left to do....
"Which was?"
"I took off all my clothes, I stripped down to nuthin', grabbed a book and sat on the couch, bare-beamed and buck naked and read "Love in the Time of Cholera" knowing full well that as long as I didnt get dressed I would be OK"

Well, she's crackin' up pretty bad now, enough that my Doctor, the one with the one happy eye and the loppyjaewed other eye, he sticks his head in the door and I have to tell the whole story again.
'Are you the guy that drove his motorcycle into the lobby out there a couple of years ago?" he asked.
"No, Doc" I replied "I'm the guy that rode his bicycle 6 miles to get here and collapsed in the lobby from diabetic shock. I'll never forget doc, you put me on the couch and said you wanted me to go to the Emergency Room and I said "I don't think I can make it any further on my bike" and you insisted that I not even try and called the ambulance. I liked you ever since Doc"

So anyway, this is what happened at my second Nutritionist appointment where I gained a pound.

4 comments:

Kim said...

love in the time of cholera? you must have truly hit bottom.

bulletholes said...

Lashed myself to the sofa.

Norma said...

I enjoyed this story so much and will add "couple-of-few" to my vocabulary. So funny, Steve.

bulletholes said...

'Coupla-Few" IS A GREAT ONE!
After I wrote this I called up my old High school fiance' Pam and thanked her for having a father that was the only person I ever knew to say "Coupla-few". He's gone now and she and I broke up before she ever graduated but his words live on through me.