HEALTH UPDATE

You may recall last year I hired a Nutritionist and she gave me a diet to follow.

But ya know what? This ol’ addict loves to eat, and eating is the only vice I have left.
No dope, no cigarettes, no ‘Yum-Yum” so I take it out on food, and all the Nutritionists in the world can't help that.

Then back in May, I finally took another suggestion my doctor gave me (because I have learned to take suggestions) and joined a gym. But it only took a few weeks to figure out that somewhere down the line I had rotator cuff damage.
Haha! There went $30,000, and now I’m not supposed to lift more than 5 pounds or get within 20 feet of a treadmill.

But you know what?

I finally waited long enough that this is going to pay off for me.
The doctor is actually paying me to lose weight!
You heard right, he is PAYING ME to lose weight!
I am in a study, and taking some untested little blue pill.

God, I love big pharmacy!
God, how I love this country!

Of course, if I lose 30 pounds and then my dick falls off, whats the use?

DOCTORS

They are so serious all the time. I guess that's how they got to be doctors.
I have been having to see an orthopedic surgeon about my shoulder. After five visits, he still won't budge a smile. I like to think I'm a funny guy, but this guy is made of rubber. Humor just bounces off him.
He asked me "When does it hurt?"
I showed him my range of motion.
"It hurts here, and here and....sometimes here. But I tell you doc, the most consistent time, the thing I do that it always hurts, is when I scratch my nuts."
He didn't smile. He didn't look up. He didn't even flinch.
Just scribbled on his chart "Duly noted" I suppose.

I go in for surgery tomorrow. Rotator cuff; out of work for a couple weeks.
Wish me luck.

THE HUMEROUS HEAD

Remember back at my birthday, when I joined a gym, all pumped up to get my ass in shape? CLICK HERE

And then a month later when I hadn't missed hardly any days? CLICK HERE

Want to know how that’s going for me? I haven’t been in a month, thats how its going, and so far it has cost me about 500 dollars and earned me a date with an anesthesiologist and a surgeon on August 23rd.
Seems I got a gimpy left shoulder. Its likely been injured for years; bad rotator cuff, torn bicep, and calcification of the humerous head. I guess going to the gym and lifting something heavier than a diet coke and a spoonful of Cap’n Crunch aggravated it.

So I walk into the gym yesterday to pay my bill.
Biff is there behind the counter. When I saw him last month, and he asked me how it was going I told him I HATED coming here.
He had laughed and said “Yeah, everybody does, but at least you keep showing up”

But now, he’s grinnin’ at me like a butchers dog.
“Where have you been, slacker?” he says.
I point to my shoulder. “I’m on injured reserve. I’ve blown my shoulder out. Gonna have to have surgery. Then I'll be bionic”
“I’m sorry to hear that” he says. “But you could come up and do cardio.”
“No, the doctor, he told me to stay away from this place” and I laugh.
“That doctor didn’t tell you that!"he says. “You can do cardio!”
“Yeah, you’re right, my doctor didn’t tell me that. But he did say to stay away from the weights, and frankly I don’t trust myself. If I come here to do cardio, and I see all those weights just laying around in there, I’m afraid I will lose control and have to go try to pick some of them up. And that wouldn't be good!”

And Biff and I just crack up! I sure do like Biff! He’s alright!

THIS GERBIL COULD PROBABLY KICK MY ASS