Wednesday, August 01, 2012

THE HUMEROUS HEAD

Remember back at my birthday, when I joined a gym, all pumped up to get my ass in shape? CLICK HERE

And then a month later when I hadn't missed hardly any days? CLICK HERE

Want to know how that’s going for me? I haven’t been in a month, thats how its going, and so far it has cost me about 500 dollars and earned me a date with an anesthesiologist and a surgeon on August 23rd.
Seems I got a gimpy left shoulder. Its likely been injured for years; bad rotator cuff, torn bicep, and calcification of the humerous head. I guess going to the gym and lifting something heavier than a diet coke and a spoonful of Cap’n Crunch aggravated it.

So I walk into the gym yesterday to pay my bill.
Biff is there behind the counter. When I saw him last month, and he asked me how it was going I told him I HATED coming here.
He had laughed and said “Yeah, everybody does, but at least you keep showing up”

But now, he’s grinnin’ at me like a butchers dog.
“Where have you been, slacker?” he says.
I point to my shoulder. “I’m on injured reserve. I’ve blown my shoulder out. Gonna have to have surgery. Then I'll be bionic”
“I’m sorry to hear that” he says. “But you could come up and do cardio.”
“No, the doctor, he told me to stay away from this place” and I laugh.
“That doctor didn’t tell you that!"he says. “You can do cardio!”
“Yeah, you’re right, my doctor didn’t tell me that. But he did say to stay away from the weights, and frankly I don’t trust myself. If I come here to do cardio, and I see all those weights just laying around in there, I’m afraid I will lose control and have to go try to pick some of them up. And that wouldn't be good!”

And Biff and I just crack up! I sure do like Biff! He’s alright!


THIS GERBIL COULD PROBABLY KICK MY ASS

7 comments:

red dirt girl said...

god you're so funny, cowboy - you crack me up !! i love you!

xxx

Lily said...

There's nothing calcified about your humourous head!

mrsneutronsgarage said...

Think of the British Royal Family. They all live forever in spite of inbreeding, a diet of rich foods and never doing a lick of physical labor. Do you think the Queen Mother lifted weights or did "cardio"?

I think the secret is being convinced you are better than everybody else. The gym is for "pretty lessons". It's a cultural aberration. It's for people who have someone else cut their lawn, paint their house, do their cleaning and so forth... BUT, want to "look" like they just spent 5 years chained to the seat, rowing on some Roman galleon.

soubriquet said...

Me? I wandered through the gym at work, carrying a couple of 36" forged steel pipe wrenches. I sat on the floor at the back, my ears assailed by repetitive bouncy 'music' that my washing machine could play better, and I set to work to take apart a fire-sprinkler valve.

Around me, muscly bronzed six-pack guys watched themselves in the mirror as they lifted weights, and tightly lycraed yummy mummies surreptitiously tugged their gussets out of grand canyons, and sipped energy drinks whilst bouncing along on the treadmill.

Eventually, my work was done, and I had a heavy valve and those wrenches to lug down the stairs.

You'd imagine the world would be full of guys with expensive muscles, just longing to show them off, who's say "Hey! Why don't I help you? How heavy's that thing? Oh, I lift twice that on the bench!"
Then they could saunter past the yummy-mummies, showing off their real manliness. Instead, they ignore my struggle to lift the damn thing. And my stagger toward the far end.
When I come back for my wrenches, I drop a silent, but potent fart in the weights area, Ha! Enjoy that, gym-bunnies.

mrsneutronsgarage said...

(soubriquit)... That was brilliant. But, those people were not there to work. That is beneath them. They expect other, lesser, people to do the work. You see, they want to LOOK like they spent years on a chain gang because it's fashionable. They are there for "pretty lessons".

Your only mistake was in not asking one of them to pull your finger.

I salute you sir.

bulletholes said...

Hi Red! I crack me up too. I really now how to get through a day. Its the chucks that keep me going.

Lily, doc said its really bad. its a sign I had the injury a long time.

Mrs. Neutron- I could dig rowing on a galleon, just like ol Ben-Hur.


Souby, its just the last 8 years that I have had a job that wasnt physical. I rememebr when I was about 27, and someone asked me if I had been working out, because I was getting pretty stout. I said no, no I havent but then I got to thinking about the tens of thousands of pounds of grocerys I was moving around all day. I was getting a prett good workout!

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