DAVY JONES LOCKER

"In angling, as in all other recreations into which excitement enters, we have to be on our guard, so that we can at any moment throw a weight of self-control into the scale against misfortune; and happily we can study to some purpose, both to increase our pleasure in success and to lessen our distress caused by what goes ill. It is not only in cases of great disasters, however, that the angler needs self-control. He is perpetually called upon to use it to withstand small exasperation's."

FROM "FISHERMANS LUCK"

Cap'n Hook is the Great Great-Grandson of"Fighting Joe Hooker, a bombacious and hard drinking Union General from the Civil War.
He and I became good fishing partners. He was my Supervising Sous-Chef at the Crystal Crotchless when I first started working for the Hymen-Regency.
For the first few trips we would go to a Dam below lake Granbury where we hoped to catch Stripers in the 'tailrace" below the Dam.
We would be using Fly rods- and the Fly rod is seldom seen here in Texas.

We did not catch any Stripers, but we did have a most unusual catch for a Flyrod in Texas...
Our first time out below the Dam Hook caught an 18 pound Opelousa Catfish!
We thought it was a bit of a fluke until the next weekend, when we both caught Opelousa's...his was 12lbs. and Mine was 14 lbs.

Then I bought a boat and Motor. I had been saving coins for about a year and a half. I took them to the Bank and the total came to....

EIGHT-HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!


I bought a 15 horsepower motor with that money, brand spankin' new.

Hook located the boat...it was a 1956 Lone Star V-Hull. When it was new it had a Canopy, windshield, two seats at the Wheel and two more seats facing aft (to the rear) and a 60 HP Motor. Back in 1956 you could not ask for a better Ski Boat.

But this was 1982 and the boat had caught fire and all the seats and Canopy and Windshield and steering Mechanisms were gone....the Aluminum was melted in spots and most of the paint inside and out was burned of as well. It looked like a big ol' beer can weathered and crumpled on a Trailer.

I bought it for $75.
With a little ingenuity that I really dont have much of, I managed to turn it into a good fishin' boat.
It looked like a real contraption, but it was one tough floatation device.



HOW TO SINK A BOAT

One day at an area lake, Hook and I found a little moss bed full ogf fish. We very seldom caught many fish, but for about 20 minutes we were knockin' the fire out of them.

But our fortune was not to last...a big ol' fancy-assed Ski boat came plowin' right through our serendipitous little honey hole.
We kept fishing even as the giant wake thrown up nearly tossed us over.
Then the Bastard did it again, this time even closer...so close the spray almost bathed us.
Several times over the Son-of-a Bitch came through, until our spot was now floated with Seafoam.
All this racket is not good for the fishing.
Its not good for anything.
We gave several dirty looks to the Skipper and even tried to wave him off some, but it became apparent it we were being blatantly disrespected.

It made my Maritime Blood boil.
So... I cranked up the motor and we went else where.
An hour or so later, we decided to call it a day...

As we were heading in to the ramp, I spy the enemy vessel. It seems to be adrift, and perhaps the occupants are swimming or taking a nap or whatever. i brought my bow to bear upon the wicked craft, now only a few hundred yards away.

Hook looks to me and says
"What are you doing?"

'We are going to pay them a little visit"

I approach the boat and there are still no occupants visible.
At full throttle I circle round twice..still no one...
so I said to Hook:

"This ought to wake 'em up"

and brought my bow right in line with their beam...full steam ahead...and announce our arrival:

"HOLD FAST, YE SHEEPSHEADS...GANGWAY!!!"

And we slammed into the Ski Boat taking her broadsides.
Still no one appeared, and as I surveyed the damage, I could hardly believe what my $75 piece of crap had done to this guys boat.
It was starting to sink.
I had found its sweet spot.We got the hell out of there.



I don't know if it sank all the way or not...or where the occupants were when I rammed her...but we never did go back to that Lake.

DANCING IN PARADISE

continued from parts 1 and 2

Yeah, Mother of Invention got it...starting at 9:00 that Saturday night, we began moving Larry's stuff into my house, my Garage, my back porch.
At about 1:00 in the morning, I called a friend and told him we needed some help..
"But I have a new girl over here" he whispers over the phone.
"I don't care if you're having group sex with a Penthouse Pet, the Playmate of the Month and Ginalollabrigida....I need your ass here in the next hour...."

You know what? He showed up!

The kids were thrilled...the five of them had set up camp in Rips room and Larry and Deb would take Water Baby's room.

At about 8;00 on Sunday morning as Larry slid the last box into my garage, I put the speakers for my Stereo outside...
We were both a little punch drunk if you know what I mean...
'Larry, you couldn't have planned this any worse if you had tried....you hired a mover to take all your worldly possessions to two different houses and we just finished moving you from three different houses into mine. What are you gonna do now"

Larry raises that handsome eyebrow again and says
"Well I'm not going to piss in my pants Steve"
and we just fell out laughin...
So I cranked up the Stereo.... the Bass and Drums are in this chopped up Rhythm....
BUM-ba-BUMbapum-BAbumpum-baBUM-pah pum pah- bum-pah-bum

and then Mick Jagger starts in....

Shattered, shattered
Love and hope and sex and dreams
Are still surviving on the street
Look at me, Im in tatters!
Im a shattered

So up and down the driveway, Larry and I start dancin'...doin' our best Mick Jaggers and a bunch of other stuff we just kinda made up...
We're in Tatters!
And before long all the kids are out there too...it was great and our kids still talk about it.

Then the neighbor that never did like me ever since I carved a hand flippin "The Bird" at his house outta the tree trunk came out and gave me the Hairy Eyeball...even though I cut the "Bird " down before he ever saw it.

Larry didn't piss himself, but that week he quit his job and two weeks later we loaded up two big Vans and we moved his family to...
Pensacola Florida from Fort Worth Texas...
I really don't know to this day exactly why, or what was there for him....it seemed that Larry just needed to go somewhere.
I moved Larry 4 times in two weeks.

I never liked a man as much as I liked Larry.

"I CAN'T GIVE IT AWAY ON 7th AVENUE"

previously...
"The owner of the house Larry was buying the house from finally arrived at 12:30- he had been due at 8:00 that morning.He had some kinda bad news.
There was to be no sale.We were far, really far, from finished moving for the day."

Larry was my best friend. The night we graduated from High school together, we sat on the hood of the Pontious and he talked about being an Artist and I talked about being a Chef. He now did Graphic Design for an Advertising Company. Not exactly Matisse, but Art has changed, no?
Larry had the sweetest little family. His very pretty wife, Deb, was from Belgium. He had met her while in the Service (thats where he learned how to overorganize) and they married as soon as he got his 4 years done. she and my wife were best friends as well.
They had a daughter, Erica, 6 years old; and a son, Mikey, 4 years old. They also had a new addition, a one year old.
My two kids were 4 and 6 too, and yes, they were best friends as well.
We were all best friends....


Larry had been Ramrodding the Operation from his old Rent house, and there was a lot of angst because the owner of the house he was buying had not yet arrived on the scene. I do not know the particulars of the deal, but it was a FSBO- "For Sale by Owner- nor do I know much about Contracts or Real Estate...but I know now that we had moved 90% of Larry's stuff to a house he would never spend a night in.
I think it was a handshake deal that went awry.
The bottom line was that his old rent house was no longer available. All his Earthly Treasure, including wife and kids, sofa and bed, every fork knife and spoon were now at a house no longer for sale, and the Movers wanted to know what to do with the half truck of treasure yet to be unloaded.

Every Mineral and Spiritual Resourse available to Larry were distributed between 2 houses and a moving van and none of these were to be final resting places.
It was like an Exodus to Nowhere.

Somewhere the call was placed to a Rental Agency, and a rent house about 2 miles away was found that Larry, his Wife and three kids could move into that afternoon. Things were beginning to move pretty fast.
Larry had the Movers load up what would be a truckload of the big stuff to take to his newly rented, sight unseen property. Somehow, we would move the first Truckload they had taken ourselves. That was all the funding that was available. I could not help but notice that Larry was starting to look a little ragged at the seams. All the color coding and organizing could not help us now.

While Deb was off at the Leasors signing an agreement, I began to load the Gypsy Wagon. I met the Movers at the leased house and they began to unload their Truck and I waited for Larry or Debra to show with the key...
Now, the movers having finished unoading into the driveway, bid adieu to me, and left.
Debra showed up with the key and began transporting what she could from the Driveway to the house. Larry was at the no longer for sale house with a friends Pickup Truck. I went home, hitched up my boat to use as a Moving Trailer and set off to help Larry.
Things were movin' really fast.

Larry and I arrived at the rent house with our first load.
Larry was beyond looking a little ragged at the seams...he was frazzled..he was tattered...to be...shattered...
because this Rent house he was 'sposed to move into, that about half his stuff was already moved into was a real dive.
It was like a Roach Motel with a leaky roof.

Larry took one look around, raised that very handsome eyebrow of his, and said
"I'm not moving my family into this house".
It would seem his future now depended on me and the Gypsy Wagon.
I was afraid he might just "piss himself".

Sooooo...any guesses what our next move was?

"All this chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter bout
Shmatta, shmatta, shmatta -- I cant give it away on 7th avenue
This towns been wearing tatters (shattered, shattered)
Work and work for love and sex
Aint you hungry for success, success, success, success
Does it matter? (shattered)
does it matter?
Im shattered.
Shattered "
the rolling stones


YEAH, IT DOESN'T REALLY FIT, OR DOES IT?


to be continued

HIGH MAINTENANCE

"PONTIUS MELARCKY"

Did you ever just run out of time? Get in such a hurry that you start making some pretty hasty decisions?
Well my best friend Larry, all the way from High School did while I was helping him move one day.
Years before he had seen me do the same thing....



It was 1975 and I was throwin' a Keg Party out at the lake.... I started at 9:00 in the morning with a hit of Strawberry Mescaline, a moderate Hallucinogen. I had a lot to do...there were the keg's that had to be picked up and taken to the Lake...there was Marijuana to be procured, then I had several friends that I had to pick up, including Larry and my girlfriend Suzie, and others before we met the 100 or so other people at the local Foosers Hut.
From there, a Caravan of 30 or 40 cars thru town to the backroads that led to Devils Backbone at the Lake. Me and my 1955 Star Chief named "Pontius Melarky"
It was a great spot and I was one of the few that knew how to get there.
I had had to pee since about noon, and I was trippin' pretty good when I picked up Larry...we were on our way to Suzies and I did a quick calculation in my head...there was no time to stop to pee.
I told Larry I had to Pee.
He says "Why doncha pull on over?"
I says "Got no time Larry"
I told him I had no choice...I was gonna to "piss myself".
Larry laughed, I looked at him crosseyed and let it rip, right there in the front seat, with both hands on the wheel, drivin down the road...
"Ahhh, thats better"
Larry says "NO you didnt"
"Yep, I did"
Larry has this very handsome way of lifting one eyebrow which he did to great effect as he glanced to my darkened crotch confirming that I had indeed "Pissed Myself"
When we got to Suzies house, I went to the door and when she came out I explained I needed to borrow a pair of her pants.
She just laughed and said I was really getting to be high maintenance.
That waas some really good Mescaline.

But this story is supposed to be about Larry and the day I helped him move 20 years later....
He and his wife Deb had bought a house. They were moving all their possesions and three Kids from a rent house. He had spent a good month getiing ready for this move, because Larry is one of these over-organizers....you know...boxes labeled and color coded and arranged in some kind of Algebraic scheme so as to fit into the truck in the most logical and least space consuming fashion possible...
He had hired a moving company to move the big stuff which he had plenty of....Bureaus and Hutches and China Cabinets of English Oak and German Steel- this stuff was heavy.

But Larry is not only an Over-Organizer, he is a Penny-Pincher too. The Big Moving Truck and Commercial Movers would only be Moving the Big stuff- he had negotiated them down to a couple hundred dollars for 2 loads.
The other 1000 or so boxes was to fall to me and my trusty 1984 Toyota Van (sorry, no photo) with 300, 000 miles on it....we called it my Gypsy Wagon because it had been about everywhere and done everything.
Of course, I wasn't getting paid because, well, I've never liked a man as much as I liked ol' Larry.
At the new house, Deb and the kids were waiting for the Owner to show up to get the last of the papers signed. She had the key, so when the movers and I arrved we were able to put the boxes and furniture into the House.
At about Noon the movers had the last truckload in the driveway.
I had about three more loads of boxes to move.
At Larrys almost empty rent house, the new tenants were pulling their truck into the driveway.
It looked like we were almost finished moving.

The owner of the house Larry was buying the house from finally arrived at 12:30- he had been due at 8:00 that morning.
He had some kinda bad news.

There was to be no sale.
We were far, really far, from finished moving for the day.

to be continued

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Phone rings...I pick it up...
"Hello"
"Hi"
'Whats goin' on"
'Not much...do you know what today is?"
"Um....well...lets see, day after the 4th? Bastille Day?...No, I don't guess I know what today is"
Its the X-Mrs bulletholes and she says
'We got our Divorce 9 Years ago" and she just laughs...
So I say 'You better be calling to ask me for dinner then"
"In your dreams" she says and and hangs up.

 I remember the day almost 10 years ago she brought the Divorce papers for me to sign.
I glanced at them and tossed them aside saying "I'll take a look at 'em whenever"
"No" she says "You'll sign them now, I want to take them straight to the Lawyer"
'Hahahaha" I laugh 'These are legal Documents and I need to read them over before I sign"
"Like hell you do, you know what they say" and she hands them back to me.
Well, she is right, I know whats in them and she is not asking for much of anything. In fact, the child support she wants is less than what the State would mandate. But I'll be damned if she is going to waltz in here and demand that I sign right now.
I really don't want any part of it, this divorce.
So I argue. As we argue I roll the papers up, and I'm nervously tapping my leg with them. The argument becomes more animated. Its reached the boiling point and out of exasperation, anger or stupidity, I take the rolled up papers and whack her over the head with them.
Her eyes get like saucers, and she runs out of the house screaming bloody murder, to the car. I'm thinkin' she might call the cops. I grab a pen and chase after her. She is in the car, the engine is revving. I step in front of the car and she looks like she just might run me over. No, she is going to run me over in the next several seconds
"You better get your ass outta the way, mister"
I hold up the papers and the pen....'OK, you win, I'll sign"
She stops red-lining the motor. I go over to the roof of the car and sign the papers and hand them through the window. She manages a thin grin and says
"Thank you sooo much, Now get the hell out of the way"
Burning rubber all the way out the driveway.
 Quick as I could, I packed up the Van and headed for the lake for two days of Camping...I knew she'd be back...I missed signing the last page! OOPS!

SANGRIA WINE

Barbara is having Party! She is wondering what music they should play, so I am going to make some suggestions between now and 5/5/007...

Its her retirement and its going to be a Wang-Dang- Doodle and Iv'e got the Mad Scientist working on a Halogram of Bulletholes just so I can be there with my Hallucinogenic self. If we are successful, then me an Ol' Lady will both be there (its funny that Barbara and Ol' lady were the first folks to comment on the ol' abandoned blog) and we are going to be bringin' our rowdy Holographic/Hallucinogenic Selves (no Halo's please) and we will also bring this album...me and all my hippie friends were singin' this stuff before anyone ever heard of Willie (Nelson).


I guess I should ask her first... I don't want to risk misquoting her so I'll just give you my side

'Ol' lady will your hollowgraphic Self go with me to Barbara's Party?"
"Why not?"
"I am not"
"Am not"
"A chicken?"
"Well you heard wrong"
"No I didn't do that either"
'Well this is goin' nowhere so I guess I'll just have to go Stag-o-graphic."

She's married anyway...I sure can pick em...but she would agree with me on this album...






And what tune will we pull to, me boys?
Why "Sangria Wine" of course!
Its from the 1973 Jerry Jeff Walker release 'Viva Terilingua" well before 'Luckenbach became a cause celebre'.
From wikipedia
Luckenbach's association with country music began in the summer of 1973, when Jerry Jeff Walker, backed by the Lost Gonzo Band, recorded a live album there called Viva Terlingua at Luckenbach Dancehall. That album became an outlaw country classic.
Four years later (and a year after Crouch's death), Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson memorialized Luckenbach with the song "Luckenbach, Texas (Back to the Basics of Love)," cowritten by rock and soul producer Chips Moman. Without citing a source, Peter Doggett wrote in Are You Ready for the Country (Penguin 2000) that Waylon later told audiences "he hated the song and admitted 'The guys that wrote the thing have never been to Luckenbach and neither have I.

Its a 'Cinco de Mayo" Party and this tune from this album is very appropriate, and can only be sung at the top of your lungs with... with your ass sloshin, I mean, when you are high, I mean , with something good to drink.
Now, Barbara, when you sing the whoaaa part you have to really put your back into it and hold your tasty beverage up high. Also note that in the third verse 'Everclear is added to the wine some times"... well, its added more often than not. Its best served from a (new) 30 gallon trash can .

SANGRIA WINE
My friends come over Saturday night
Man its nice to make up some sangria wine
Its organic and it comes from the vine
Its also legal and it gets you so high

And I love that sangria wine
Love to drink it with old friends of mine
Yeah I love to get drunk with friends of mine
When we’re drinkin’ that ole’ sangria wine

Whoooah I love sangria wine
Whoooah I love sangria wine

Start with some wine
Add some apples and brandy and some sugar some spice
Ole friends always show up on time
That’s why you add sparkling burgundy wine

I love ole sangria wine
When I drink it with ole friends of mine
Yeah I love to drink with ole friends of mine
When we get drunk on that sangria wine

Whoooah I love sangria wine
Whoooah I love sangria wine

In Texas on a Saturday night
Everclear is added to the wine sometimes
Nachos, burritos, and tacos who knows
How it usually goes, it goes

Whoooah I love sangria wine
Whoooah I love sangria wine

Yeah I love that sangria wine
Just like I love ole friends of mine
They tell the truth when they’re mixed with the wine
That’s why I love the lemons and lime

I love that sangria wine
to drink it with ole friends of mine
Yeah I love to drink with friends of mine
When we get drunk on that sangria wine

Whoooah I love sangria wine
Whoooah I love sangria wine
Whoooah I love sangria wine
Whoooah I love sangria wine

NO STATIC AT ALL or I LIKE MY SUGAR SWEET

After the competition on Saturday, I went with a friend to see a band called "Naked Lunch" that does all Steely Dan covers. I’m not that big on Steely Dan but they don’t let me out much and I thought I might see if I had developed any Social Skills during my recluseship the last few years. I was aloso ready to celebrate the results of the competition, which I will share with you momentarily.
Now the one thing I do know is that I got no 'game"- never had one, never will.
I don't generally warm up to people very quickly. But I do have an outstanding sense of humor, and if anyone wants a few grins, well, I'm your man.
I had 2-3 drinks at the bar and was feelin’ pretty frisky (I am a cheap date with a very low tolerance) when a young lady, a good lookin’ young lady, steps to the bar right next to me. We smile politely at each other as she studies the selection of libations behind the bar. Sensing her indecisiveness, I turn to look at the selections and find one she is sure to be pleased with.
A bottle of "FOXHORN" wine, available by the glass.
I point it out to her saying
"they have that good "Foxhorn-Leghorn wine, you oughta’ try that one".
What kind?" she asks.
"Foxhorn-Leghorn" I snicker back, pointing to the bottle.
A cold stare is all I get.
I'm in a very good mood and want the world to be there with me so I implore:
"You know, "Foxhorn-Leghorn" I says in my sweetest voice,"the big chicken hawk or rooster or sumthin' , in the Cartoon that fights with the dawg and says stuff like
‘I say, I say, that boy is missin’ a wheel off his baaaaabeeee carriage’"
She looks down her nose at me like I am truly chopped liver and says
"Its FOGhorn-Leghorn, idiot!"
and walks off in disgust.

Right... FOGhorn...whats the matter with me?
I’ll never go back to that place, I tell you what!

In the Regional Marching Band Competition, The L.D Bell Band placed 1st!
They also were commended with "Outstanding Overall Effect" award.
Next stop- State Championship in November.