Thursday, July 19, 2012


It was four years ago last night that a cop pulled me over, dragged me out of the car, bent me over the hood and asked “Do you have anything on you we need to know about?”

The whole scene din't go quite like I had expected it would when the time came.

I thought about it for a second or two as he felt my pockets and I said “Yes sir, there is some dope in my pocket.”
I know you are not supposed to do that, but I've never been slick, I've never been tough, I've never been cool.
As he was putting me handcuffed into the back of the car, there was this still and quiet voice that came to me, as I asked myself this question:
"What if I hadn’t told him? Would he have found it?"

Over the last 4 years of staying clean and sober, no dope, and not so much as a sip of white wine, I sometimes ask myself that question, and always I hear that same still and quiet voice that I heard in the back of that cop car that night.

I think about how much better my life is now. I recall how powerless over my addiction I had been, and how unmanageable my life had become. And I didn’t even recognize it.
I think about the way coming to believe that a power greater than myself might restore me to some semblance of sanity has had such a beneficial effect on my life, no matter what higher power or what belief in it I may have.
I think about the way turning my will over to a power greater than myself has actually prompted me to participate in my own life again.
I think about the first recovery dream I had, and how good it made me feel.
I think about the 40 or 50 or 100 people in recovery I became friends with, and all the fun we have had over the last 4 years.

But sometimes as I’m falling asleep, or when I first wake up, I still wonder:
“Would they have found that shit had I kept my mouth shut?
Would they have caught the Midnight Rider?"”

And always, the same still and quiet voice comes to me, the same voice with the same answer as that night they handcuffed me and helped me into the backseat of the squad car.

The voice just says three words:
“Oh, thank God!”

I could stop now.

I know that if I hadn't gotten busted I would still be using.
And people think I'm smart.  Shit.


Martijn said...

This is BIG. This is powerful. This is beautiful. Thank you.

bulletholes said...

Thanks Marty. I could make this post really long. Did you follpw any of the linksz? I have a bunch embedded here.

red dirt girl said...

I agree with Martijn, cowboy - this is a big, beautiful piece of writing. I love it when you peel back some layers and reveal your authentic self. You are a courageous man. thank you for the inspiration.


Martijn said...

Yes Mr. Bulletholes, I've followed up on all the links, because this was Epic (a word used too often & quickly, but justified here).

I even listened to the entire Midnight Rider when I first thought I was getting the Steve Miller Band ('I'm a grinner, I'm a sinner, I'm a midnight rider' I thought) and met The Allman Brothers.

Yes, you are courageous!

bulletholes said...

"I got one more silver dollar" Marty! Great song.

Hey Red, thanks! There's like another part of this. It was a felony charge. I asked one of my using buddies what kind of punishment I would get. all us dopers are law experts too.
He said "Its no big deal..usually for a possesion of less than a gram, you'll get 2 years, but be out in 6 months. No big deal."

And I'm like "In who's world is that no big deal?"
but as it seems, for a first time offender with no criminal record, and just a possesion charge w/o delivery or sale, the state offered a program that if I could stay clean and meet requirements of their program, that the charges would be dropped after a year.
I was able to do that. Lots of peopler try, but fail. Addiction is a cunning and baffling disease.

Kristi said...

Beautiful. Thank you for your honesty. You are very, very awesome, my friend.

red dirt girl said...

Indeed! I imagine staying clean and sober is tougher than doing the time!! I love you, cowboy :)