Monday, August 11, 2008


When I was 16 I took a job as a Busboy at the local Ramalamdingdong Inn Hotel. My Supervisor was a Middle-aged dude named Dick.
Dick had these really thick glasses and looked like a miniature Alan Greenspan. He couldn’t have been more than 5ft feet tall or weigh much more than 110lbs.

Now, in 1973, when you are 16 years old, you understand that there are gay people in the world, but you really don’t quite believe it. You’re best buddy from the 6th grade, the one that you “made out” with for practice didn’t count. Nor did the guys from Scouts that you lit farts with and held an occasional “Circle Jerk “ with….no…they didn’t count either.
You understood that while you and they may have done some gay stuff, you and they weren’t Gay.
Gay was for guys in New York, like that guy Ratso in Midnight Cowboy. Looking back, I don’t even know that Ratso was supposed to be gay.

But Dick…well…I knew he was probably gay. Part of it was the way he looked at me which I am loathe to describe. Part of it was the Initiation he seemed to give me the first few days I worked there.
Dick would place me directly behind him and show me how a table was to be set. Base plate, Napkin, Silverware, Water Glass, Butter Dish and Centerpiece and as he demonstrated moving the Base plate over 1/8 of an inch and
He would abruptly back up, his ass right in my crotch, and immediately begin to apologize for his clumsiness.
And he would look at me like I was a Chocolate Malt.

Then he would reposition me directly behind him and show me exactly how far the chair was to be from the table, and how to center it and to insure it lined up with the one across from it and
Somehow his cupped hand would find itself between my legs.
And he would smile at me like he was a cat and I was…a Canary.
At first I had convinced myself these were just accidents, but as time went on and Dick continued to “Train” me, I had the feeling he had crossed over from “Doing Gay stuff” and was honest to god Queer.

So it was with a little trepidation that I agreed to help Dick set up a Banquet Room “After Hours”…. And of course it was not a big surprise when Dick found a way to “Cop a feel”.
What was a big surprise was that this time Dick didn’t apologize for his clumsiness…in fact, he was so bold as to leave his hand planted firmly on my nuts and turn to me with that look on his face I been telling you about…the same look I would give Jeri when she got on the bus ever since I was in the 2nd Grade and I swannneeee his nostrils flared.

Well, there was only one thing to do…I pulled back and made like I was going to punch this guy and said
“Dick, you gotta stop doing that stuff or I’m gonna clobber you”
And about that time the door to the BaNQUET Room swung open and Bill, the Security Guard was there as I quickly lower my fist which had been about to clobber poor Dick
“Everything all right in here?” Bill asked.
Dick looked at me…but it wasn’t that hungry look anymore, it was that scared look. And I don’t know how I new , but I knew the question was directed at me.
“Yeah” I said “Were cool”
And Dick took over.
‘Just setting up this Banquet room” Dick says “We’ll be finished in a few minutes.
After Bill left, Dick asked if I was going to tell anyone.
“Gimme’ a break, Dick” was all I could think to say.

Some of you might want to laugh, but it isn’t funny yet.

Over the next few weeks, a few of my friends started working there with me. One of them was Mac. Mac was a crazy SOB that would eat drink smoke or fuck just about anything. I knew for a fact he’d screwed Mona and I knew for a fact you had to be crazy to do that.
I have to assume that Dick gave these guys the same initiation that I got.
On Macs first day Dick says to me
“I’m taking Mac upstairs and break him in on a Banquet Room.”
Dick was grinnin' like a Butchers dog...
And then he gives me a wink.
I spewed my drink all over myself.
Maybe that can't be funny to anyone but me, but to me its hilarious.

I never told anyone about Dicks advances towards me.
Mac was the kind of guy that was crazy enough he just might give Dick a run for his money, but he never said anything about what may have happened up there that night.
Not one word, which to this day seems suspect. but i never said anything either.
Still, I’ll never forget the look on Dicks face when he told me he was taking Mac upstairs.

And I had no idea that years later my best friend would be gay.


Minx said...

Laying tables with Dick makes you gay? Oh fuck!

bulletholes said...

Minx...I must have written this mighty poorly.
I apologize.

Minx said...


bulletholes said...

Whats that?
oh i get have outsmarted the competition!
Easy to do in these parts...