Friday, October 03, 2008

The First Debate, Part 2

"Sweat and Underwear"

Steve, over at Shadows and Light, says Kathy’s blouse with the Peaches was deliberately tailored that way.
Duly noted.

Now Kathy was a nice girl, and I was lucky to be her Debate Team partner.
Kathy and I actually won a Debate tournament when I used Dick Gregory's analogy comparing electing a president to choosing a whore. I had argued that:
"After all, no matter how many candidates are running, or whores you have to choose from they are still all whores".
It came to be known in our club as "Steve's Great Whore Case”.
The first time I used that line, Kathy put her face to the desk covering her head in shame.
Kathy did that a lot.
But we were both surprised that the Judges seemed to favor this rebuttal of attempts by our opponents wanting to change the Two Party Political system.

But back to our first Debate.
For those of you that may have missed out on the first part of this two part story, click here.

So Kathy and I waited with the three Judges and our two shoeboxes filled with index cards with facts and figures, information and quotes, seated at a table awaiting the arrival of our opponents.
It was our Debating debut and we were nervous. Not only was the subject of Campaign Election Reform complicated and new to us, but we weren’t very organized.
Even today, the kids down at Blockbuster Movies shudder when I walk in the door because they know I can’t find shit in there. They use a System of putting the movies in alphabetical order, but they also have categories like New Releases, Drama Comedy and Action. Oh yeah, there is horror too. These categories to me are quite subjective. One mans action movie is another mans drama and so on and so forth.

I think the movies should all be under one category, call it ‘Sweat and Underwear” because that’s what it all boils down to anyway.

But back to the debate….and our opponents entrance.
They carried Gold Plated Briefcases, Rolodex files, and had a Desktop name tag made from Etched Glass that read:
Ignacios and Nicholas
Jesuit Preparatory Academy

They were wearing Red Bow-Ties and Coal Black Double Breasted suits with the School Crest blazoned on the pocket.
They placed all this high tech debating equipment on their half of the table, glanced pitifully at our shoeboxes, went and shook hands with the three judges and returned to the table, standing “at ease”, hands clasped behind their straight backs to face Kathy and I.
It was enough to make me stop my slouching, and sit straight up in my seat.

But the most intimidating thing about this was not the Jackets, the Bow Ties and Breifcases, or even the Glass Placard that gave them the look of O.J. Simpsons Defense Team.
It wasn't even the Rolodex files that I was sure were filled with more and better facts, figures and quotations than our shoeboxes, or the fact that they would actually be able to find the card they needed when they needed it that made me queasy...

It was the fact that our opponents could not have been more that 12 years old.
The biggest one was about 85 pounds, soaking wet. My kid sister coulda' broke him in two.
The liitle one was no bigger than a minute.
They were lap babies and they were about to kick our ass.

Kathy looked at me. She was goggleyed like you wouldn’t believe, and she had turned white as a sheet.
She was a good kid, but I knew she was shook so I leaned over and whispered
‘Man, we are in it now”
and gave her my best grin.
But inside I was all sweat and underwear.

To be continued


Barbara said...

This seems oddly like last night's VP debate. I can't wait to hear what comes out on those index cards. Don't make me wait too long. And please don't make me hear "You betcha!"

bulletholes said...

Sure barb, you better betcha!

banquet manager said...

The "all submissions become property of" just sounded good so I threw it in, otherwise no problem. I'll have to pass on your bad waiter joke.
Looking forward to your guest post. Later.

red dirt mule said...

Ohh...... you said goggleyed !!

For a second there, I thought you wrote GOOGLEYED and thought maybe she had purchased her expressive eyes off the internet. I was just getting ready to GOOGLE image it ... ha.


ps. Go here.

petra michelle; Whose role is it anyway? said...

Has this election got you riled!
...thinkin about the government...
p.s. Steve, wanted to thank you for your hilarious comment on the "The Longest Date." I cannot even imagine what you'll say on
"Sharing Popcorn with God." Please, no bars held! :))
Hope you're having a great weekend!