Saturday, October 04, 2008

The First Debate Part 3


I was born to be a Chef.
Our 13 year old, pre-pubescent , never-kissed-a-girl-or-squeezed-a-titty opponents were about to kick our ass. They opened their gilded briefcases and began their case. They were the Affirmative which moved towards Election Reform.

Just 60 days prior, Nixon had resigned as President. Slush Funds, CREEP (Committee for the Re-election of the President) and Watergate had become words even a 4th grader was familiar with.

The House and Senate in Washington were debating the same topic as Kathy and I and all the other High Schools. Election Reform was prominent in the Country's consciousness. Looking back, I did not realize at the time how cool it was to be role playing (if not playing a role) in this issue.

Bear with me here.

The centerpiece of our opponents case was to take all donations for each party and put them in a big pool, then distribute those funds equally through a General Accounting Office. The hope was to eliminate secret contibutions, illegal donations, and make certain no one would gain a monetary edge.

As our counterparts gave their presentation Kathy and I scrambled frantically through our shoeboxes, looking for facts figures and information with which to refute their case.
We had determined that I was to go first to present my 5 minute rebuttal.

Who watched the Biden/Palin debate? Yeah, me too.
What they do up there is really hard to do, especially for a High School kid, but the 85 pound 13 year old that led off was like William F'n Buckley.
It was either Nicolas, or Ignacious, it didn't really matter.
His presentation was flawless.
But I...was born to be a Chef.
And I knew that somehow I was going to have to think outside that shoebox.

I stood up to give my rebuttal, glanced at each of the judges and coughed.
The room seemed to be spinning around me, my knees were about to buckle and it sounded like sand was pouring into my ears. I cleared my throat and said:
"I need a moment to get my shit together"

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kathy pound her forehead into the table and cover herself with her hands, and from under her tousled blonde hair an audible moan escaped.
Kathy, I would find out, would be doing that a lot.

Motivated by shame and with a sense of pity towards my partner, I finally began to speak. I don't recall what I said, but after a bit the smell of Kathy's perfume was replaced by the faint scent of apples.
Like I said, I was born to be a Chef, and I could smell apples.
As I spoke the apple smell grew stronger. I looked to our opponents. I saw in their opened briefcases they each had a small Brown Paper bag.
With this new visual input my senses heightened and I began to detect a faint but unmistakable smell of Tuna, and then Roast Beef on Rye and even a Hostess Twinkie.
Their Momma had packed their lunches!

And then an idea hit me like someone had dropped the Watergate Hotel on my head, with Haldeman, Dean and Mitchell all tumbling down, and CREEP members and Secret Cash funds all spilling out...and I was all the way out of that shoebox...

Having barely begun my rebuttal, I came to a complete stop and looked down at Kathy.
I said:
"Kathy, how much money do you have?"
She looked at me all confused and I gave her that "Just Tell Me " look and she reached for her purse and said "I think I got $4"....
"Four dollars?" I said while pulling out my billfold "Thats fine Kathy, just put it there on the center of the table, and I'll put my two dollars with it..."

I was gaining some momentum here. I turned to my counterparts and said...

"Nick, Iggy, how much do you boys have?(pause)
No, don't bother to get up, you don't need to put your money in the General Fund here. We will just pretend that you have...oh...$ that gives us $16 in the General Fund.
You betcha.
Now, I see you boys brought your own lunch, probably Tuna on Wheat and Roast Beef on Rye and that can be your vote..."

At this point they were lookin' at me like I was Kreskin, or that guy David Blaine.
I was on a roll, and all the way out of that shoebox full of index cards.

"...But Kathy and I, dog-gone-it, we are voting for Red Lobster and we are going to take our half of the fund which includes ya'lls $10. Now I know what you boys are thinkin', that we aren't going to get much at Red Lobster for $8 and you are right.
But clearly, your case does nothing to stop Secret and Illegal Campaign donations"

I pulled my billfold back out and and produced the Twenty Dollar bill that Dad had taught me to keep tucked away for emergencies. With a dramatic flourish, I held it high.

'But I just happen to have a little 'Slush Fund of my own,
and now not only do we have enough for Kathy and I to eat like Kings, we have enough to take two of these three judges with us.
So, who's hungry?"

Like I keep sayin', I was born to be a Chef.

I sat down. Kathy was beaming.

My opponents spent their next 15 minutes arguing against my convoluted case, while Kathy drilled holes in theirs.
We won our first Debate!

Nixon presents me my Debate Trophy Belt Buckle!


Barbara said...

F*cking BRILLIANT! I'm sure Kathy wondered where in the world you were going with that line of reasoning, but obviously she jumped on board.

I'm rather sorry there isn't another chapter to this story. How about another debate?

red dirt mule said...

Kathy WAS wearing spiky heeled red shoes, wasn't she ???

please indulge my fantasy ...


Dave Mows Grass said...

This is fucking brilliant!

petra michelle; Whose role is it anyway? said...

I don't ever want to be on your bad side; or from another angle, I'd want you on my team any day!

bulletholes said...

barbara, i had no idea thast it would take three parts, or how much fun it was to tell it.
RDM....if you go back to part one, you will find my description of the very lovely and talented Kathy.
And yeah, there is one more Debate story, but lets give it a break for a bit. This one, The Lobster Case, was the best one.

Dave! If it weren't for finding the debate team and the Forensics Team, High School would have been nothin' but one big panty chase.

pie- "Denny Crane here!"

Anonymous said...

Theatrics, cunning, and bribery--YOU should be President, my friend.

UF Mike

bulletholes said...

Mike, you should see my peace plan!

thanks for stoppin' in!!!

Mother of Invention said...

Excellent! And you owe that one to your dad! Here's to sly slush!

peacefulstorm24 said...

What a absolute scintillating way to argue your perspective! And only 13, WOW!