This dog I live with~ I’ve tried really hard to like her~ but its like impossible.
She’s a Boston Terrier names Cuddles, and she is twitchy like hell. She runs circles around the house, and likes to get in your face, and she has no boundaries or good sense and specializes in running into closed doors.
I think she’s part squirrel. She can be standing there, facing the kitchen and suddenly leap 10 feet sideways to land ass first in your face, then she spins around like a washing machine, clawing your chest with her paws, and licking you on the mouth with every pass, only to suddenly dart away to the trash can, which she knocks over and strews chicken fat and coffee grounds all over the house.
We have to keep her in a cage all day long, but even that is not enough. She thrashes around so violently in the cage as to knock over vases 10 feet away.
Her master, Angela, says that Cuddles is “not all there” and that " maybe smokes crack", but its more than that. I have renamed her “Devil-Dog”, and fully believe Devil Dog is possessed by unclean spirits, I expect to see her vomit pea soup and spin her head around like Regan in The Exorcist any day now. I suspect she may be Satans concubine.
I have determined her cage is actually a Portal to Hell. I come home in the afternoons, pick up the lamp that has mysteriously fallen from the end table, straighten paintings that have hung themselves upside down on the wall, close the windows flung open by an unknown force and look to see where she has managed to transport her cage to, and what carnage may lay in her wake.
Its pure Lovecraft.
Sometimes she will have thumped her way to the utility room; two days ago I followed a trail of broken ceramic Angels to find that Devil Dog had her cage upside down between the bathtub and the toilet, and the toilet was over flowing, the carpet soaked all down the hall.
So we took three cinder blocks and put them on top of her cage to try to slow her down some. I am afraid to go home today. It won’t surprise me one bit to open the door, and find smoke and steam hissing from her cage, and flames issuing forth, and from somewhere deep in the bowels of that portal to hell, there will be Korn music blaring, and Cuddles will look at me wild-eyed and bark out like Billy Idol in that heavy metal death chant:
“FEED ME CHEW TOY FEED ME HUMAN
FEED ME CHEW TOY FEED ME HUMAN
FEED ME CHEW TOY FEED ME HUMAN
FEED ME CHEW TOY FEED ME HUMAN
FEED ME CHEW TOY FEED ME HUMAN
FEED ME CHEW TOY FEED ME HUMAN
LICKMELICKMELICKME~
AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGH!”
4 comments:
Man's best friend!
Not this one Kristi! Haha!
hahahahahahah! Love this! She'd be a great match for my greyhound mix Shilah who is definitely one of the most dysfunctional dogs alive today. I watched Shilah chase a rabbit from the backyard last week - as the rabbit dove under the board fence, so went Shilah and two boards of the fence. I've piled rocks and pots and stuff up over the hole, but she manages to get out anyway. I keep hoping she will run away. This sounds really pathetically cruel, but I'm embarrassed to take her back to the pound. I've even taken her name tag off her collar ... yesterday she was gone all day. I sent up a small prayer. Rats, she arrived by dinner time. My 'kindly' neighbors keep opening the gate and letting her back into the yard. Damn. Does this make me an evil person ???
xxx
"Taken her name tag off"
...same thing happened to me on Bastille Day, long ago.
Post a Comment