Sunday, January 18, 2009


There is a difference between "Being clean" and "Staying clean".
I have been clean for six months before, but I was steady working 12 steps back towards using again; that is to say I had no plan and my days were filled with...nothing.

Today, I picked up a Keychain for having stayed clean for six months, and I am trying to work a 12 step plan designed not to just keep me clean, but to lead me to a Spiritual Awakening. Every week I discover... something.

I think it is noteworthy that in these 182 days, I have done 172 posts.
i owe a few posts to ya'll. tomorrow will be Inauguration Day at Bulletholes and I'll add a few new friends to my Mailbox.

I owe Grizzbabe and "E" a post about what a Master Chef like me has done with my diet in order to deal with my Diabetes. My glucometer numbers are great!
I think maybe I'm cured!
I have been healed!
I don't have Diabetes anymore!
When I tell people this they look at me like I'm nuts and all I can say is:

"Why not me? Why can't I get cured?
I could have a miracle happen!
I could use a Miracle!
Am I not worthy?
I saw a guy get healed on TV.
He had the Diabetes and Mad Cow and the Vapors and he didn't look like any less a loser than me!
Why not ME!"
and I say it in a real whiny voice and they feel bad then we all laugh.

And Barbara sent me Questions for an Interview! That will be fun!

1 comment:

e said...

Dear Bulletholes,

Congratualations and don't put the pressure of perfection in recovery on yourself. It will only undermine your efforts. I do not know why some people get second chances and others don't. For me, though, those answers come in twos; one is about choices, the second is about taking responsibility and doing the best I can at any given moment.

You mentioned wanting a spiritual awakening. You are already on your way:

You are clean and sober and your head and perspective are clearing and changing, as are your habits and thoughts. This is a process that does not end until you quit breathing.

Count your lucky stars that you are still around, able to go to work, learn new things and make yourself and others laugh. These are important.

What worked for me may not work for you. I write things down that I am grateful for everyday and I remember to say thanks. This makes all the other stuff I may have to work on bearable, especially when I remember that I am not alone.

I also keep a journal and write about stuff I don't want public. I also write down anything that I find interesting, helpful, funny, beneficial to health, etc. This all develops the spirit and the mind.

Understanding the consequences of your actions for you and others gives you a chance to see miracles and changes in action. You are using knowlege and tools to combat diabetes, helping your neighbors from freezing when the weather is cold, getting a raise at your job and probably mending some relationships in the process. All of these are miraculous. You are here and you have a great spirit.