Friday, January 02, 2009


bulletholes, about 20 years ago

Continued from Part One (clickHere)

So, during my Hospital stay in which I was pronounced Diabetic I had the pleasure of eating Hospital Food. It seems to me that Hospital Food has come a long ways, or else I have been a bachelor too long. my first lunch was a Grilled Chicken Breast with 3-Color-Fire Roasted Peppers.
Let me tell you, friends, how good it was! The breast was firm plump and juicy, just like I like 'em.
And the 3-Peppers were Sweet and Earthy with a hint of woodsmoke.
I have personally served worse shit, I kid you not.
Never mind that I am accustomed to eating like a horse, and breakfast had left me a tad unfulfilled...

Anyway, the Maitre' D Hospital came that afternoon to get my dinner and lunch selections.
"What would you like for Breakfast tomorrow Mr. Bullets; Eggs and Bacon or Pancakes with Sausage?"

The Magic Words!
I could scarce contain myself! Were it not for the IV in my arm I might have done a Triple-back flip and landed on the Nurses Station in my very revealing Hospital gown!
Pancakes the man said!

"Yessiree-bob, put me down for those Pancakes"I said.
"Thanks you Mr. Bullets" he said as he walked out the door.
"Oh Thank You!" I hollered after him, too busy thinking about breakfast tomorrow to notice the cold hollow feeling I had right now, or the Portobella Mushroom Steak I had ordered for supper.

Never mind that they would come with only a little pat of butter, and some kind of Diabetic Syrup. It didn't matter, because Pancakes, any Pancakes, no matter how burned, how mishapen, or cold are still Pancakes deep inside.
The poorest Pancakes can still right all thats wrong with the world.
If Israel and Palestine would just have a Pancake Supper together tonight, they could end this foolishness going on.

Sunday Morning I woke up. I washed up, opened the windows wide and sat at the edge of the bed in anticipation of the cart and my tray of Pancakes.
My mouth was watering, my eyes like saucers and my stomach growling.
The tray was rolled in; the air was electric, like Times Square on New Years Eve.
The Maitre'D' fixed my pillow and adjusted the height of the Roller Stand
"Enjoy your Pancakes, Mr. Bullets" he said as he left.
"Oh, I intend to" I hollered behind him.

I rubbed my Hands together, I could almost see em, almost taste 'em.
I lifted the Silver Plate cover and...voila!


Centered on the plate was one tiny, lonely pancake!
Who the hell ever ate one Pancake?
This pancake was so even colored and devoid of personality that it may as well have been a Hologram.
Screw me doggiestyle!
I had to check to make sure it wasn't painted on the plate.
It looked like a picture of a picture of a Pancake!
Looking at this pancake, I had to question everything I ever thought I knew about pancakes.
If this Pancake was not a clone, then what was it?
A Droid Pancake?
Made from Stem Cells of other pancakes?
Certainly you couldn't get a Pancake like this at Whole Foods...probably this Pancake came from Dow Jones.
Maybe it was a Toy pancake from China, for little girls to have Tea parties with and Stuff.
Screw me.

I Buttered her up, and put the whole pack of Diabetic Syrup to her. How I wished she had a sister as I brought the fork to my mouth.
It was cold as a toad, the butter un-melted.
But do not cry for me....
It was the best Pancake I ever ate that day!!!


Angela said...

Pancakes for breakfast? And even with sausages??? Who can eat THAT? I`d always prefer a crunchy croisson with butter and just a bit of confiture or honey, so you probably could have had mine! How would you have liked me for that?
Thanks, Steve, for all your fun posts and your sweet comments on mine!

dmarks said...

Mmmmm. holographic pancakes. mmmmmmm.

I just did my pancake post, inspired to do so by yours.

Anonymous said...

Just goes to show the state of medicine these days.
I guess that's why they have medical transcriptionists.
Obviously they skipped class the day singular and plural nouns were discussed. They think the "S" is, like, for Superman.... or maybe simply a cute decoration to place on the end of a noun. Makes you wonder why they didn't follow the British, "Pancakes and Sausages".
All I can figure is maybe they used an abbreviation for pancreas.
Panc Aches .... did it make your pancreas ache?
Sphincter of Oddi dysfunction?
Of course, I know what the Drill Sergeant would say, "I asked what you would like. What you would like and what you get are two different things. Now, give me 20 push-ups."
I guess that's why they call it the Horse Pistol!

Barbara said...

Sort of like eating one little square of chocolate. You just have to close your eyes and imagine there is more. Too bad it couldn't have been a really good pancake at least.

kissyface said...

Are we doing Pancreas humor now? Because of the diabetes? ok, well, I'm in: Did you eat that pancake with your Islets of Langerhands?

I tried, but it's just not funny.

Who is dat Anonymous?

Hey, Steve, here's the way I make pancakes, and I don't know what all your dietary restrictions are, but this way is good enough to eat without adding syrup.

Make your regular batter (most any mix is fine), preferably with more whole wheat flour, or even some other kind of whole grain meal (you can get fairly heavy, actually), then add a healthy scoop (at least a cup), of ricotta cheese. It gives you more protein, is incredibly moist, and has it's own sort of creamy sweetness that you won't long for syrup so much. You can also substitute yogurt, but the ricotta's better. And, if you want the cakes lighter, fold in some beaten egg whites.

I told this to GrizzBabe recently - look into Stevia, if you don't use it already. It's a naturally occurring sweetener (I won't give my usual rant against aspartame and all the other artificial sweeteners, but the short of it is they are so dangerous I cannot believe they are legal), which appears to have health benefits , including lowering blood sugar levels.

GrizzBabe said...

It's a shame that we diabetics have to watch how many carbs we eat. One pancake just don't seem right.

valentinegirl63 said...

your bloggs just crack me up!!!

GEWELS said...

I like my pancakes about the size of a fifty cent piece with a banana slice in the center.

I suppose I need to send you some FedEX- poor baby!

petra michelle; Whose role is it anyway? said...

Happy New Year, Es! Am sure you've made up for that one ol pancake a dozen times over since! ;) May your year be blessed with health, prosperity,
happiness, and lots and lots of
pancakes! :))

leslie said...

Just saw this in the AAA magazine...
February 24 National Pancake Day, Nationwide!
IHOP restaurants nationwide will offer each guest a free short stack of buttermilk pancakes. In return, IHOP will ask guests to donate what they would have paid for the pancakes (or more)to Children's Miracle Network or other local charities.

Sounds like a deal!

soubriquet said...

Many years ago, after weeks of being desperately ill, and um, dying, and deciding I was not ready to die, dammit, and reinhabiting my body, and, for weeks, not having been able to eat more than a little consomme, and soggy bread, I returned to life.
And a lady in a white coat brought me a hospital dinner. Roast chicken.
Oh my oh my. Finest dinner I ever ate, could't finish it, but ohhhh an astronomic gastronomic tour de force. What a chef! what kitchen gods, Ohhh I was so lyrical at my first real meal in a couple of months. And I told people... nurses. cleaners. the curious who looked around the door to see the boy who was supposed to have died a couple of days ago...
I praised those cooking wonderfolk... And people laughed. And talked of undercooked chicken, bullet potatoes, mushed vegetables...
And I did notice that after a few days the meals became uniformly dreadful.
Then my father related how during WWII, when his P.O.W. diet was a small handful of rice per day, anything that swam, crawled, flew, wriggled, or hopped was seized with glee, stirred in with the rice, and a bit of rat's thigh was like a glimpse of heaven.
And I realised.
The glory of food may be proportionate to how much you need it.
I'm picky, still.
But that chicken dinner was the greatest meal I ever had.