Thursday, March 22, 2007

DATING A TEXAN

FOR KISSYFACE; SHE IS ONE LUCKY WOMAN TO BE DATING A TEXAN-I HOPE ITS NOT TOO LATE!
She has requested advice and I shall give it...so smart of her to come to me!

"lets go chase tornados
just me an' you
you don't always catch em'
but, man! when you do..."
James mcMurtry


-> Always sit as close as possible to him, as though you were stapled at the hip, especially in the car. Its just what we do.

>Anytime you go out is a special occasion.

->Get your "Concealed Weapon" License and carry a pistol in your purse. I hope you'll never have to use it. A Baby Desert Eagle would be sweet depending on the size of your purse. check with Citizen H. over at "Beer, Bait and Ammo".

->Wear tight jeans with too much starch and a crease so sharp it might cut you.

->Put your hands in your back pockets and rock back and forth Ellie Mae style...its irresistable!
Get braces for your overbite... just a little one will do.

->Shirts with embriodery, beads, and feathers are highly desired...you don't have to wear them all the time, just on special occasions.

->Learn the language. I'll make it easy for you.... any 3 syllables can be condensed to two...say "got-dyamit"...and any 2 syllables can become 3.... say "bool-shee-it". Very nice!

->Chicken Fried Steak with Bisquits and Gravy for Breakfast. I hope you like Buttermilk. Need I say more?

->Be able to arch your back and take a deep breath... everything is pretty darn big down there. I mean out here. In Texas. You get the picture.

->Talk loud and sit close to the house.


->Learn all the words to "Choctaw Bingo". Learn all the words to "If I Needed You"

-> Get the reddest lipstick you can find and as always wear your hair BIG!

Kissyface, remember he is just a Man, only moreso.

22 comments:

Barbara said...

You need an illustrator. Can you imagine pictures of what you described? What a hoot (Texas-style)!

Rod's Duck Farm said...

Amen!!!!!!!!!!
Intelligence is recognizing the grandeure of a feller's truck and not being shy to make note of it.
When boys get toys for Christmas, they throw away the toy and play with the box. Always remember, it's the packaging that counts.
What makes a duck is the quack, the duck bill and the webbed feet.
Otherwise it is just like any other vulture.
Quack, Quack!

GEWELS said...

My Goodness! I better find me a well-um, er, rounded man from Texas.
Sounds intriquing. And, I am so looking forward to big hair coming back. Little did I know I just had to get me to little ol' Texas.

red-dirt-girl said...

I guess I must be in a 'fowl' mood (haha Quacker man); Gewels - NOOOOOOO don't do it girl.....don't do it!!

Steve, how could you spread such propaganda??? Thank God I'm not Texan.....btw: You forgot to tell her about the fake nails with little designs like the Texas flag painted on them....every Texas boy likes to be scratched.....

meowwww
rdkitty

Annelisa said...

Oh dear, I'd fail miserably on a night out with a Texan! Reckon I'd need a new wardrobe, for a start... and well, my hair would be a non-starter! :-D

I'll work on the other points then...

Very good advice, Steve! Of course Kissyface must follow to the letter!

steve said...

Barb; Nicole Smith,RIP
Rod...Me, I'll play with my own truck, you can play with yours!
Gewels, I am sure that somewhere there is a Teaxan custom made for you! You seem like a Girls-Girl and thats is very appealing to Mans-Man.
RDG- Propaganda? Which part?
Anne- with that smile of yours, i don't think you would have any problem. The hair would go over well in Val Verde.

Citizen H said...

Desert Eagles are highly impractical for concealed carry, by the way. a .38 snubby would be far more practical and useful. Most self-defense firearm use occurs within arm's reach, so a big, heavy IAI hand-cannon isn't the best answer. Besides, .38s are far less maintenance-intensive as long as you keep a thin film of oil on them.

Rod's Duck FArm said...

I think Citizen H may have a point. Sometimes a gun in the purse gets clogged up with lipstick, M&M's, pencil stubs, and fingernail polish.
....such difficult choices .... a butcher knife or a fingernail file. To be or not tube.
Quack, Quack!

Dave said...

I carried a five-shot snubby when I lived in Tulsa but here in Arkansas I just carry a tune. That seems to be frightening enough!

~Dave

Water Baby said...

Ha Ha! I love this stuff, I know exactly what he's talkin about, You gotta get yer southern drawl first, then make sure you smile that BIG Texas Smile :-D Don't forget your Daisy Dukes, not to be found at a store, of coarse, when your favorite pair of jeans *finally* start fallin apart, just rip tha legs off, theys fallin off anyhows, an try to make 'em as even as possible, but thats not really all that important so long as theys comfy...

GEWELS said...

Steve-just for you I worked on getting my hair "really" big last night. Had a black-tie affair to go to and wanted to be dolled up- Texas style. It didn't work though. Maybe kissyface needs to give me some pointers.
Plus, my handbag was WAAAAY too small for my .28- Rats!

GEWELS said...

I meant .38!!! Geez, I need glasses

A .28 wouldn't have fit in either (I assume it would be smaller than a .38)

steve said...

Gewels; Kissyface seems to be missing in action here- either that ol' boy is keeping her busy or... vice-versa-
instead of a handgun you might consider a roll of Quarters in a sock

Old Lady said...

They don't like takin their boots off neither!

Old Lady said...

Arch your back and take a deep breath, you dirty, dirty boy!

steve said...

OL' LADY- OH NO! DOES IT SHOW?

Mother of Invention said...

Guess I better stick with my Texas Toast! That I understand!

kissyface said...

STEVE!! Thank you! I'm going to fail at more than half of these. Perhaps I'm doomed. Fortunately, my Texan isn't into the denim and diamonds and big hair thing. I don't know if I can properly call him "my Texan, yet." But a girl can hope.

Also, I regularly fail to carry a purse. Oh well.

Still, I know that song quite well, at least as Miss Emmylou Harris sings it -

"If I needed you, would you come to me,
would you come to me and ease my pain
If you needed me I would come to you
I'd swim the seas for to ease your pain

In the night forlorn the morning's born
And the morning shines with the lights of love
You will miss sunrise if you close your eyes
That would break my heart in two"

Right? That one?
Love it.

No guns for me, unless you take me hunting.

Waterbaby - Daisy Dukes? Yikes, I'm WAY to pale for that.

I can see I'm in trouble.

Well, wish me good luck, then, and thanks for all the advice. He's a doll.

Oh, and if this makes a diff, he's from Port Arthur and the rest of his family's from Lafayette. Cajun boy.

xo
KF

steve said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
steve said...

Kissyface- yes, thats the song!
surely you are familiar with Townes Van Zandt...
I've taken note before that you are light enough on your feet you do not need the gun...or the advice but this was fun to do, thanks for the "tag"...and yeah, where he's from says a lot about what he does... I can tell if hes from East West or Central texas the minute he opens his mouth.
No matter where he is from, or what State, make him be a Gentleman.
But i don't need to tell you that...

kissyface said...

Steve - the accent isn't very strong (not that you wouldn't still know the origin), and I'm a sucker for a southern drawl. It really works for me.

He is a gentleman, the manners are there in full force. LOVE THAT. But maybe a bit detached/self-protective right now. Bad last relationship hangover in action. Hope he doesn't let that stop us. I probably suffer more than most when things go awry, but I'm foolish enough to continually jump right back in there.

Someone's done a movie about Van Zandt recently, I think. "Pancho and Lefty" is one of my all time favorite songs, in any genre.

"Well, many of the songs, they aren't sad, they're hopeless."

— Townes Van Zandt, after being asked why he only wrote sad songs.

Be well!

kissyface said...

And furthermore, as for great Texan cultural contributions, have you ever read Mary Karr's memoir, The Liar's Club? That's one of my all-time favorite books. It's a knockout. Astonishing. Hilarious. Heartbreaking. I think I've read it three times. Maybe four. Come to think of it, I think it's set in Port Arthur. Hmm.