Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Oh, well...

"she had a dark and roving eye-eye-eye
and her hair hung down in ring-a-lets
she was a nice girl, a proper girl,
but one of the roving kind"
guy mitchell

About a year ago...
I went and got drunk with my old friend Laura….
At 2:00 a.m. she said I could sleep on the couch or come to bed
I told her that I did not snore that I was aware of but in my
present state of inebriation there was the ever-present danger that I may try to
"INFLICT" myself upon her. She advised me that she kept a TASER on her
nightstand. I requested that she bring me a sheet. She brought the
sheet and told me to wake her the next morning.

I woke up at 7:00 and went and crawled in bed with her, looking down
into her face, giving her my very best grin.
She slowly opens her eyes, and I say, as seductivly as I can muster ,
"I wish it would rain, Laura, that would be SOOO romantic"
Laura grins back at me and says
"I could turn on the sprinklers for you"

She then tells me to be very careful, pulls back the covers and
reveals her full grown Iguana named "Nick" sleeping with her. He is
about 5 feet long and weighs 11 pounds.
Ruined my plans.
Oh, well.

I've known Laura since High School where she was the fastest runner, boy or girl, in the whole building. I worked at a Restaurant and she was a Waitress there; we were 19 then, and we became friends, and almost lovers. She came to me one day out of the blue, and said she was getting married. I asked why and it was because she was pregnant and she was going to marry Mark, the Father.
Laura is a pistol, one tough gal.
Oh well.

A few years later, we again worked together, but she was divorced now. We went for drinks one night, and she and Kristi got me very drunk. They carried me, and I do mean carried, out of the bar and after a conference, put me in Kristi's car and Kristi drove me to my home.
Kristi helped me to the door, came in and sat on the couch in the Den.
I said "You are going to have to excuse me one time"
and went to the Bathroom, splashed some cold water in my face and brushed my teeth.
Better now.
I went back into the Den where Kristi waited on the couch. I looked at her and said
"You are going to have to excuse me just one more time"
and I was on her...
she didn't seem to mind it too much either.
The next morning at 7:00 Laura called.
"Is Kristi there" she giggled.
I looked over to the passenger side of the Bed.
""Yep, she sure is...would you like to speak to her?"
"Just wondering" Laura says, and adds "Oh well"

Just for the record, I don't think I've been involved with someone that took off as quickly as Kristi and I did...and you don't need to worry abour poor Laura; she was livin' with The Duke at the time...Kristi moved in with me and the 4 of us all had a splendid time.

Of course I had to spoil it all 6 months later by throwing a Waterbug at Kristi. Kristi was 6'1" tall and a very lithe Redhead but she was deadly afraid of those things and this one opened its wings and began to fly right into her face, right between her eyes, whereupon she began to backpedal but the beast continued its flapping , making that BRRRR-ing sound like a helicopter, backing her up a full three feet into a wall where it pinned her for a full 8 seconds with her arms flailing and that BRRR-ing sound. She packed and left that day.
Poor Kristi...
Poor me...
Pretty thoughtless...

(to be continued)


Mother of Invention said...

So what's the marital status of Laura and Kristi now? Sounded like Laura kinda wanted to be with you when she phoned Krist's. Kristi left all because of a bug? Bet Laura wouldn't have done that! It's hard to compete with an iguana...they're so cute and cuddly! (Blec!)

Anonymous said...

LOL sure can pick 'em, ya' know???!!! A gal with a bedtime thing for an iguana......and a lithe redhead who flew off because of a palmetto bug.....hmmm......sounds like that romance was already packing its bags....

So Laura.....well? You left her a bunch of candy hearts on Valentine's....what's the status? You can't leave us hanging like this...


GEWELS said...

You or a bug? Hmm, can't wait to meet the bug.

And as for the iguana- well, not very cozy bedtime partners, if you ask me.

Funny post

GrizzBabe said...

What an interesting past you have, Steve. Looking forward to Part II

steve said...

mom- laura is right around the Corner... Kristi probably married her some money somewhere..
RDG- you know how my stories go...the good stuff is in the details...Ya'll will have to tell me what to do with Laura...
Gewels- that lizard freaked me right out...but Laura is so funny saying she could turn the sprinklers on...she advised me that i do indeed snore...
Grizzbabe- I have really been lucky...somehow I can't help but think that everyone has these stories in their past, they just don't remember them the right way...

Barbara said...

You sound so much like my friend Jeff whose foot is permanently growing out of his mouth. He has continued to rat on me for having way to much wine to drink when I was on TDY with him in Panama and nearly falling flat on my face as we crossed the street (of course I don't need to be drunk to fall flat on my face.)

steve said...

BARBARA- "Permanent foot in mouth"... really? Which part? Nailed me...hehehe....LOL

Old Lady said...

I can't tell you HOW many times my husband has chased me around the house with la kook-a-rocha.