Monday, November 03, 2008


“Fighting Joe” was far and away the most baddass’d dude in these parts and a real life Urban Legend. I writ about 'im a while back.
He came from a long line of notoriously violent people.
My Mother –in-Law, Sparks, used to manage one of the toughest Redneck saloons that actually had a REAL Liquor License, one of the toughest places way out on the Jackboro Highway. She knew Fightin Joes dad “Cutter" and she may be the only person on earth that might could take him.

Sparks don't abide no bullshit in her Bar. Back in the 70's, they say she put Cutter out on his ass by his ear more than once. That was why he never come to her place no more. Sparks kept a sign over her bar said "You are Welcome but your Dope is not" and if she got wind that anyone in there was holdin' it was 'Who hit John?" and out the door with you.

Cutter would take offence to anyone unwitting enough to cast a glance in his direction. But he was right clever about it. Sparks said his usual method of operation has to down a couple dozen Boilermakers which just seemed to bring out all the hate in him, then he would look for someone to unload on. He would act all friendly to them, even buy a few rounds and then out in the Parking lot he would give ‘em the knife.
He never killed anyone that could be proved but he left a long trail of men with only one ear, or minus the tip of their nose and a finger or two and there are enumerable fellows walkin’ round having a jagged tear down one cheek and stitches in their side like that guy Dalton from Road House.
All souvenirs of the night they made a big mistake, thinkin' they had befriended “Cutter” Womack.

His son, “Fightin’ Joe” was a bit different. He never pretended to like nobody.
Nobody ‘cept his girl, Mimi Baumgardner that lived down the street from me. She really wasn't a Baumgardner at all. neither were her two half sisters.
I shall try to explain now the Scariest house on the block.

The Baumgardeners were the most unusual family you’d ever want to meet. They were like the Brady Bunch on a mean batch of Crank.
There were three brothers, all sired by the same father, Bum.
But all three had come from different mothers.
There was Butch, Boomer and Buck. Rumor was that Butch's Mother had been killed by Boomers Mom, then when Boomers Mom got the chair, Bum re-married and Buck was born, but his momma ran off with...some Carnival called ...
Dr. Darks Traveling Pandemonium Circus or somethin'.
Buck was the most normal of the brothers. The other two were like Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle Dum and they were in a constant struggle against each other and for each other, all at the same time. They seemed to be living some kind of ancient geneaological war begun by two women, all the while having more in common with each other than their differences.

There were three sisters that all came from the same Momma, but they each had different Daddys. Their Mommas name was Eve, and she really got around I guess. I never did get comfortable with the way she would eyeball me from time to time.
There was “Ruthless” the eldest of the three, and “Lobo”, the one in the middle. Me and Lobo got to be pretty good friends. She drove a “72 Honda Civic, smallest car there could ever be and sometimes I would get to be the 7th person in the car while a Grass Mask was passed front to back in the Parking lot before School.
I never did know what her real name was, but one night I did find out why they called her Lobo.
Mimi was the youngest, and she was the apple of Fightin' Joe's eye. Mimi was 16 going on 21. She was the best looking of the three. When she got all dressed up she was probably the best looking girl in the school, but instead of giving her confidence, she had become a Mouse, a kind of Cinderella Girl, quiet,shy and easily manipulated by Fightin Joe.
So when Bum and Eve got married, they combined to produce a household of six half brothers and sisters, onl;y they were more like thirds.
Its like nothin' I've ever heard of before.

The most crazy thing about all this is that any of these 6 siblings could have legally married each other. At least in the traditional ‘Man-Woman” sense.
It was like that song “I’m my own Granpa” by Ray Stevens.

There were a lot of jokes about what went on at that house, you just didn’t want to tell ‘em when Fightin Joe was around.
You had to know about the Baumgardners before I could tell you about the day that Fightin' Joe took Perk and Hogshead apart during Drivers Ed.

to be continued


petra michelle; Whose role is it anyway? said...

hahaha! Now this is grist for the
mill from one overactive imagination to another! I sure can see a mini-script in this story
and you can provide the cast! :))
Hilarious! Looking forward to the sequel!

Barbara said...

Do tell the rest of the story!

bulletholes said...

Be sure to look at 'Urban Legend" click on the links I provided in blue.
Pie- I know you are new around here, but this story is true...mostly.
Barb, this is the story that never ends!

dmarks said...

I have a record album called "Til We Have Faces" I did not know it was a book too (Referring to profile)

bulletholes said...

Hey Marks!
yeah, "Till WE have Faces" is a good book, CS Lewis take on the Psyche/Eros Mythology.

And whats more, I am familiar with OTR...
I don't have any of their albums, but I do have them taped on a World Cafe'appearance, and caught "within without" taped of the!

"it's coming to fruition
the sympathetic vibration
your train is at my station
within without"

Thanks for the stop!