Wednesday, March 25, 2009

TWEAKIN' AND TWITTERIN'

From Bulletholes Twitter, 1987:
6:15 AM-Man next door wants to put a couple calves in my backyard….his kids are in 4-H
6:35 AM- Closed gate at driveway. Good looking calves alright.
6:36 AM- Turned down beer offered by man next door. Going to work.
7:00AM- Arrived at work, Chef no where to be found.
7:15AM- Chef calls and says he is at the Waffle House for breakfast. Informed Chef we have Waffles here and also a party for 500 at noon.
7:30AM- Chef calls, motorcycle has flat tire…will be in as soon as possible.
7:35- Boglivi, Garde Manger, arrives. 'Is Charlie here yet?" he asks. "Charlie" is our code name for Chef. Thats what they called the North Vietnamese, "Charlie", they were always "Looking for Charlie" but never could find him.
7:45AM- Ethylene comes down for Salad for Employee Cafeteria. Its a daily occurance.
'Could you get me some lettuce, please, Panola?"
and Panola would say
"Cain't you get it yo'self?"
and Maybelline would say
"My back is kinda hurtin' me this mo'nin' and I cain't bend over"
and Panola, exasperated, would go in the Walk-in and fill Maybelline's little Lexan with some cut lettuce and hand it back to her.
And as Maybelline limped back down to the Employee's Cafeteria, Panola would announce to the entire Kitchen staff:
"I CAIN"T STANDS NO-BODY THAT'S SORRRRRRY"
Every day.
Three years.
But never once did Panola refuse Maybelline.
And never once did Maybelline fire back in any manner at all.
I don't know which of those ladies I loved the most.
9:30AM- General Manager wants to know where Chef is.
9:35-Chef calls; back on the road, stopping for gas, will be in soon.
10:00-Boglivi and I ride elevator to ballroom floor. On the way up, Boglivi asks for a blast. I pull out my can of snuff. Two blasts to each nostril, pass to Boglivi. The two brothers riding with us stare in wide eyed amazement, but are too shy to ask for a blast.
11:30 AM-Begin to plate up party for 500. I can’t believe everything I did the last 3 hours.
11:45AM- Chef suddenly arrives. Good that he could make it.
11:55PM- Party of 500 done. Charlie has disappeared as suddenly as he appeared.
1:45PM- Front Desk calls looking for Charlie.
2:30PM General Manager calls looking for Charlie.
3:30 PM-Audio Video World calls concerning Movie Camera for Charlie.
4:00 PM- Chef and Audio Video World arrive at Chefs Office at the same time.
4:15PM- Assist Chef with taking camera and lights up to the suite on the 12th Floor.
4:30 PM- Catering Director appears in the suite wrapped only in a towel. There is Cocaine on the table and I assist the Chef in setting up Cameras in Bedroom. Chef tips me $50 for my help and asks if all is well in the Kitchen…‘Yes, Chef, its all good”
4:45PM- Pass two girls with big hair on the elevator wearing too much make-up and the shortest tightest skirts I’ve ever seen. Like they stepped  right out of a Duran-Duran video.They ask where Suite 1204 is, and I point them towards the Chefs Suite.
Fuckin' Charlie.
6:15PM- General Manager wants to know what Suite Chef is in.
6:30- Huge order for Room Service Suite 1204, including 4 bottles of Dom.
10:00PM- Cart with 400 Chicken Cordon Bleu that we have been filling and breading all afternoon tips over on its way into cooler. Shit!!!
10:01PM – I’M TWEAKIN’ BIG TIME! DAMN CHICKEN!
Midnite- Repairs are done for the Chicken. Leave a note for the Chef.
12:15AM- Banquet Chef Don “The Animal” Paschal, Boglivi and I step into Skippys Mistake for a few Beers.
1:00 AM- Don ‘The Animal” Paschal demonstrates his famous two shots of Tequila chased by a grapefruit and an orange both swallowed whole.
1:01AM- Yes, it can be done. The crowd goes wild!
1:02AM- Boglivi and I collect $280 in winnings for our bets that Don "The Animal" could swallow a grapefruit whole.
2:00AM- Don and I leave Skippys and stagger to my house. Don has never seen a Cow.
2:10AM- Keys lost-crawl into window to unlock door, realize we are kinda drunk.
2:15AM- Don and I chase calves in hopes of being able to ride one. Fortunately, we fail.
2:30AM- Hungry!
2:31AM- Nothing to eat inside but Dog biscuits and Fake rubber dogshit.
2:32AM –My wife arrives home from her bartending job to find Don and I eating Dog Biscuits and fake rubber dogshit.
2:33AM – My wife wants to know what we are doing with cows in the backyard.
2:33AM-‘What Cows?” I ask.
2:34AM- Wife takes Don and I out to back yard to show us the cows. First we pretend not to see them. Then we pretend we don’t know where they came from.
2:36AM- Don and I ROTFLOAO
2:37AM-Clobbered by Future Ex-Wife
2:45AM We all decide to go to the Waffle House.
2:52AM-Don “The Animal” Paschal has Pancakes, Sausage, 2 poached eggs, 4 pieces of toast, a glass of Tomato juice and a slice of Lemon Meringue Pie all put into the blender so he can drink it.
2:57AM Food arrives.
2:58AM- Don wipes his mouth and burps. Breakfast is over for him.
3:30- Home and to bed. Goodnight, and good luck.

2 comments:

leslie said...

I got stuck at the grapefruit...
Why did you only make $28. dollars? That is worth at least $50!.

dmarks said...

You had me at "Cart with 400 Chicken Cordon Bleu". I love chicken cordon bleu.